Many women in America suffer from body image disgust. I came across a photo from when my kids were little. We were at a beach and I was in a swimsuit. I can remember seeing myself in that swimsuit and thinking at the time how I needed to lose weight. Looking at it now, “NOT SO!” I had a great figure.
Are there things about yourself you do not like or accept? When the diagnosis of aneurysm came I started to think my body had failed me. Yet, someone mentioned to me that one neurologist believes that this flaw in a blood vessel may have been there since birth and gradually weakened and enlarged over time!
There is great power in accepting things as they are, not wishing our lives were different as much as adjusting our expectations to how things truly are. One powerful book teaches that concept. “Radical Acceptance” has helped me avoid unnecessary suffering by coming to terms with reality. Tara Brach teaches, similar to Brother Lawrence, that we should cut short the negative thoughts and go for the ideas that move us forward.
And I said to my body, softly, “I want to be your friend.” It took a long breath. And replied, “I have been waiting my whole life for this.” Nayyirah Waheed
Isn’t that quote a lovely word picture? Are we willing to befriend our body and do whatever is necessary for the best care we can give it? One man I know is reluctant to participate in physical therapy. When PT is prescribed there is something we need help working on to get us to the best place possible.
I could list a thousand ways these ideas apply. You likely know your own ways. So try to befriend your earthen vessel and inhabit it as best you can, giving the best care you can.
Recently we were given tickets to see the Wizard of Oz ballet. What a treat! I was reminded as the Scarecrow wanted a brain; the Tin Man pined for a heart and the Cowardly Lion was desperate for courage, how I likely have all the things I need for my journey on earth. The Wizard showed the Tin Man, Scarecrow and Lion that they had already shown heart , brains and courage on the journey with Dorothy.
His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 2 Peter 1:3 NIV
Our God is more mighty than any pretend Wizard. He has promised and given us everything we need, as Peter wrote, for a godly life. Why should we belittle and denigrate what He has created? We ARE His workmanship. Thankfulness will get us further than shame and negative thinking. I pray you will go forward in this life thanking the Lord for how you are created.
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10 NIV
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 2 Corinthians 4:7 NIV
Chonda Pierce used to say this verse shows that we are all crackpots!
As I was writing the blog entry about Uncertainty I kept hearing this bird call really, really loud! I knew it was familiar but could not see the bird. Finally I needed something out in the garage. We have had our garage window open lately to dry up the floor from rain and snow the car carried in. The screen is in tact to keep the bugs and critters out.
Oh my! There inside the garage window screen were 2 Carolina Wrens, perched together! We had opened the garage earlier and Bob closed it when he went out to run an errand. Poor babies! (Though they are adults, they are tiny.)
Less than 2 minutes of this video will let you hear their song.
I love what I call their sticky-up tails. As the video says they are less than an ounce. When puffed up in winter they appear larger that that!
I was delighted to open the garage door and set them free.
Be careful not to capture your treasures in plain sight! They might get distressed!!
“But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you; 8 or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish in the sea inform you. 9 Which of all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this? 10 In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.” Job 12:7-10
Many world religions teach us the importance of learning how to live with uncertainty. Most of us are not very good at it! I read this quote recently from Gratitude. It hit me right where I have been living.
Peace is an invitation in daily life to breathe deep, right here, in the uncertainty. Morgan Harper Nichols
Learning to live with the knowledge that I have a large aortic aneurysm has been difficult and very unsettling. Knowing my God calls me to a life of peace has me wondering how to tap this particular dance. (My sister took tap lessons, not me. I remember her reciting shuffle-ball-step.)
My Internist convinced me that I cannot continue to live in this high state of stress. Doing so for 2 months has caused a massive, ugly fibromyalgia flare. Fibro is a nasty condition addressed in other blog pages. Suffice it to say my body became a train wreck.
I began returning to some of the best teachers I know regarding good mental health. Rick Hanson.net has many resources from this renowned Psychologist. One of his books came to me by way of my sister. I passed it along to my granddaughter. Now I am buying another one for myself!
Resting in Calm Strength: When you recognize that you are basically all right in the present moment, you can release unnecessary anxiety. This isn’t about denying real threats or challenges but rather about not letting anxiety run the show when you are, in fact, safe.
I have prayed and asked the Lord for help with all of this. Deliverance came with realization that this aneurysm may have been present for decades! Now that we are aware of of it, doctors can monitor and treat it. Yes, I very likely will need open heart surgery at some time in the future, but I am in fact all right now.
This is not to say I will remain calm and full of equanimity when the time comes to book that surgery. It just says I can cope in the here and now – this moment – without dwelling in that high anxiety constantly. Perhaps with practice I will be able to face the surgery with peace and calm? The hard work of re-framing all of this plus the three blood pressure medications they have me on seem to finally be bringing my blood pressure down. Now, to maintain those lower numbers!
It has been difficult, but not impossible to let go of those aneurysm thoughts. With practice and diligence I have been able to lay most of them aside. I realized browsing though Hansen’s webpages that I had used the old, ugly habit of rumination with the aneurysm. Rumination is based on negative, obsessive thoughts and it drags me down to the lowest places. Here is a blog entry I wrote about it in 2022. https://treasures-in-plain-sight.org/2022/07/21/rumination/
So I have signed up for his 5 week course entitled Breaking Out of Rumination. Dr. Hanson says that rumination “is very normal, and problematic in the extreme.” I am looking forward to getting a handle on how to stop myself from this habit. I likely learned it from my family of origin – that inability to let something go – just hashing and re-hashing it over and over again. Plus, more good news, when I actually went to sign up the course was half-off!
My writing may drop to 4 blogs a week as I put more work into preparing the poetry for publication. I am also pulling blog entries to try to organize into booklets for publication. Yes! I found an editor and now need to apply myself to the new work of compiling, editing for my part, sending them to her for edits, revising, preparing for publication, open an Amazon self-publishing account, etc.etc.
That certainly gives me other things to think about. My Internist encouraged me to put my focus there!
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, {staid on Thee} because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3 NIV
This is truly not prayer for a burglar’s success from the movie Topkapi of 1964! There is an image though that came to me during meditative prayer. The image involves the robber dropping down from the glass ceiling and carrying a knife in his teeth. His goal is to steal a dagger encrusted with jewels and replace it with a fake dagger. In 1991 I attended at retreat at the Convent of the Transfiguration. What follows is my journal entry.
Sister Margaret taught, “There aren’t any conditions of prayer. There are some things we can do to become more receptive to God. We can wait and desire God in hopeful expectation.” She taught about God’s Presence as a jewel, prayer as a treasured jewel.
Then we had a time of meditation and prayer – meditative prayer. Winfield Blevins says, “In personal prayer we speak to God, but in meditative prayer we allow God to speak to us through His word and His Spirit.” (I would add that God speaks to us, too, through images we can relate to.)
So during that retreat of November,1991 I envisioned and wrote:
“I see the treasure, as jewels in a case, the multi-faceted beauty of God’s love and wisdom.
As in Topkapi, the lid is lifted and I enter the treasures of His Glory as a frog enters a pond.
I go to what others believe is the bottom and as I still my soul, the treasure box opens and I drop as a rough stone through the beauteous treasure of His wisdom and glory, into the depth of His love.
I may stop for a while but it is as if I am merely perched on a ledge for I have yet to comprehend the depth or length or height of His love.
I wait on that ledge, rooted and grounded in love absorbing massive quantities of nourishment silently.”
I rejoice over Your promise like one who finds vast treasure.Psalm 119:162 HCSB
-you are being rooted and grounded in love. I pray that you may have the power to comprehend, with all the saints, what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.Ephesians 3:17b-19 NRSV
So many years have passed since I wrote that. I have learned so much about my God and prayer, yet I still have so very much to learn! And oh the glory of His treasures! I cannot emphasize that too much! Dropping down into silence and prayer is NEVER a waste of our time.
“The sword used by Roman soldiers was a short sword known as a gladius; and in the hands of a skilled man, it was a fearsome weapon. In fact, it became known as the sword that conquered the world. It was sharpened on both sides, making it lethal against an unarmored foe. The point was also sharpened, enabling it to pierce armor.
“Usually around 20 to 30 inches long, the gladius was not the medieval-style long sword usually associated with the armor of God.
“This Roman sword was light (around 2 pounds), short and designed to be wielded easily with one hand while the other hand grasped the shield. Its size meant it could be drawn in close quarters, and its sharpened edges made it a threat to any enemy who got too close.”
Perhaps that vision of the bejeweled dagger in Topkapi was not too far off! I saw the movie and decades later one scene came in my meditative prayer time. I have never forgotten that experience. Now I am writing this out for you. Below is a clip of the movie scene.
May you discover the treasures of prayer as you drop into the deeper layers of knowing our God.
Archbishop Desmond Tutu teaches in the Book of Joy about why Compassion is something we want to become, saying:
“Our human nature has been distorted. I mean, we are actually quite remarkable creatures. In our religions I am created in the image of God. I am a God carrier. It’s fantastic. I have to be growing in godlikeness, in caring for the other. I know that each time I have acted compassionately, I have experienced a joy in me that I find in nothing else.
“And even the cynic will have to admit that it is how we are wired. We’re wired to be other-regarding. We shrivel is there is no other. It’s really a glorious thing. When we say, “I will care for only me,” in an extraordinary way that me shrivels and gets smaller and smaller. And you find satisfaction and joy increasingly elusive. Then you want to grab and try this and try that, but in the end you don’t find satisfaction.”
Are you growing in compassion? Is there a community or a part of society that you are serving? I love that at the end of our worship service the priest says, “Our worship had ended. Now our service begins.” I hope that applies to you, also.
This chapter on Compassion is powerful. If you get hold of this book, please be certain to read at least Chapter 7! They also address self-compassion. I think we can all use a bit more of that. Most of the time we are so hard on ourselves.
My first spiritual director used to tell me every time I saw her, “Be gentle with yourself.” I try to be gentle with others, especially the ones that rub me the wrong way. I know that each one of us is broken. There is brokenness some place in our lives. We all need kindness and gentleness. So please be gentle with yourself and with others!
Do you ever watch All Creatures Great and Small on PBS? This season there is a baby involved in the family. (There are several different babies playing the part if I am not mistaken.) This one child has a giggle and laugh that cracks me up! There is a toy with a jingle bell on it that seems to be his trigger. They are fortunate to have this child on the show!
They did not capture his giggle for this clip. Our loss! They did confirm though there are 5 babies!
Certainly you have heard of the song House of the Rising Sun? Our home has become House of the Moans and Groans. The medication side effects for me include increased muscle pain: think arms, legs, back, ankles, hands, upper arm, it just goes on and on. Bob had a rather severe hamstring injury several weeks ago. He did not detach the hamstring from the bone, but has been in lots of pain. The steroids they put him on brought a whole new level of suffering. As the sun begins to set we both grow weary from fighting off pain and stiffness. Then the oompah-pa-pa band begins.
Each beat of the rhythm brings one of us going “Ooh” or “ouch.” Grunt, moan, gasp. “How did we get to this point,” we ask each other? Seems we were just meeting and dating and falling in love. Then we shuffle off to the bathroom and come back to watch another evening recording.
Laughter truly is the best medicine! We just celebrated our 55th Valentine’s Day. This is the card I gave Bob.
Yep, I have been a grump. Trying not to take things out on him, but still grumpy.
The good news is we have booked a flight to visit our neighbors who are “snowbirds.” Since surgery is not imminent we decided to take off. A few days out of here will do us both good. This will be our first experience with Allegiant Airlines. Will let you know how it goes!
Down south they live in Clearwater, Florida The airport is abbreviated PIE. Hoping we can find some pie while we are there! Or at least a conch shell for our grandson.
Ompah-pa-pa. Oompah-pa-pa. Keep singing your way to laughter!
Saw this boiling mud pot in one of the national parks. That is pretty much what my brain is like these days.
I find it amazing that our physical being can cause such major distraction! The things done routinely are forgotten. The people who love us best might not be kept in the loop. The side effects from these drugs to lower blood pressure are kicking me to pieces. Plus it does not seem to be coming down and staying down consistently. It is lower, now to get it to stay there!
I forgot to update my 92 year old friend about my health. That is the same woman who prays for me and my family daily. I felt so bad. I have updated many people via text or email. She does not do either. I totally forgot to call her.
The ice on the front walk built up without me even considering putting a chemical on it to help melt it away. The night temperatures in the teens has kept our shady walks from thawing. Hopefully it will all melt away this week now that we are out of the freezing temperatures!
Usually I gather ideas all week long for what to blog about. Not so this week! Haven’t a clue what direction to take this week. Last week I shared some of my stories from over the years. Maybe continue that theme?
As I fight my way out of the mud I wonder how I will ever set aside time to work just on gathering and editing materials for publishing? I am excited by the prospect, but stymied by this brain fog.
As I listened to music while writing this song by Stephanie Gretzinger came up. I do not remember it, though I placed it on my playlist! Thank You, Lord for the reminder that You are able to keep me.
24 Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy,
25 To the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen. Jude 24-25 KJV
There are many opportunities to serve in the ministry of Ignatian Spirituality Project. From drivers to bakers, retreat team leaders and members to intercessors there are always needs to be filled. One year on September 15 I was privileged to serve on the team for an ISP Follow-up meeting at the Convent of the Transfiguration. We had held a retreat in August and now was the day for the past participants to reunite for a day of prayer and reflection. The team gathered at Friday evening for a planning meeting and a more restful night than if we had stayed at home.
As we set up the final touches Saturday morning I was reflecting upon how many joyous and rich experiences I have enjoyed at this retreat house over the past twenty years. Now I was here with a team of 3 serving 5 participants who hunger for a deeper relationship with God and recovery from various addictions.
Some of my duties involved scurrying around the grounds. At lunch I gave our Team Leader the key to the retreat house, assuming she would get back to the cottage before I finished what I needed to do. I did my errand and noticed I was the only one on the grounds when I made it outside. I took a leisurely walk through the grounds. The retreat house was locked. I wandered over to the fenced in vegetable garden to wait.
I have always had a fondness for blue morning glories and I noticed they were growing on the fence surrounding the garden, up some of the tomato plants, into the squash, generally delighting the garden with splashes of blue here and there. I suddenly realized I had not made a centering, quiet moment since early morning! Looking at the blue flowers I rested in the lovely color splashed along the fence. Then I focused on one flower. It had a black center. “Wait!” I thought, “Morning glories do not have black centers!” Looking more closely I realized I was looking at a bee inside the flower. He was moving just slightly so I knew he was alive in there. I watched and waited, and waited. He was in there a very long time. What could one bee do for so long? Don’t they flit from flower to flower? I could see that his black bottom was covered with yellow pollen. My first impulse was “Where is my camera?” Instead of leaving and missing his next move I waited. The bee lingered in there. I was amazed that this little morning glory flower had that much nectar to lure a rather large bee to stay for such a long time. Then slowly the bee started to back out of the flower. He was covered with yellow pollen. His legs were spangled with it. His abdomen almost more yellow than black. He staggered out of the flower. The limp petals could barely hold his weight. He was diligently cleaning his proboscis. Come to think of it, I did not remember ever seeing the proboscis of a bee before!
The flower kept folding under his weight and he moved to a bush close by. Still at eye level I had to see what he was doing so I moved closer. As I watched him extend his proboscis further and yet further and clean the length of his tongue with his “paws” I heard the Lord saying, “You cannot spend too much time with Me. There is no such thing as drinking too much living water from My well. Just as the bee seemed to linger an inordinate amount of time, you cannot come here too often or remain with Me too long. Share the “pollen” you collect and rest in this assurance.”
I had experienced my quiet moment during retreat, and what a moment it was! I had an open door opportunity to share the experience with one participant. During our final closing I determined I would not speak unless everyone else had the chance and it was obvious the Lord wanted me to share. The window of opportunity was wide and I told the group what I saw and learned in the garden.
Oh Lord, help us continue to linger in the flower of Your presence, drinking in Your living water. Give us courage to share with others the treasures You give so abundantly. Amen.
Living Water
How much time are you spending with the Lord? Do you regularly drink from the living water? Do you linger in the presence of the Trinity? Are you sharing with others what you hear and experience during that time? This lingering is not a waste of time. It is the source of life.
Finally saw a cardiologist after the Cardiac MRI. Decided to go with The Christ Hospital group. One person in the know calls them the pinnacle of heart care in Cincinnati.
The diagnosis is as follows: Aneurysm of ascending aorta without rupture, aortic valve regurgitation, mild concentric left ventricular hypertrophy. The aneurysm measured only a tiny bit smaller with the MRI compared to the echo-cardiogram. The aortic aneurysm will eventually need to be addressed with surgery, likely 6 months to 2 years.
The plan is to test again in 6 months with a CT Scan. As a precaution, they will also do a Vasi-pad screening for abdominal aneurysm, too.
In the meantime, one drug was doubled. Blood pressure is coming down but not where they want it to be maintained. The side effects from the three blood pressure medications are giving me a fit. Fatigue has my eyelids now wearing garage doors inside of lids. Remember what the garage door sounded like before electronic closers? Yep, that rumbling in my head says I might want to fall asleep now! Muscle pain down my arms, legs, ankles, forget it – just think body-wide. The only solution has been to raise another drug that, you guessed it, makes me sleepy, too!
So I will be at home working on the writing and trying not to think about cardiac affairs. It is so strange that high blood pressure and aortic aneurysm neither one produces symptoms. No visit to the hospital planned for a few months anyway!
I am grateful the medical professionals have found this situation. I am trying to be grateful for these many medications. I intend to keep on writing and praising the God of our fathers. Perfect peace is only found there!
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 TIM 1:7
I saw the devil as a decrepit, weazand, impotent old man, stooped over, no strength in his backbone, but malice in his eyes. He worked his way up an open-staired metal ladder to the catwalks along the lights above a stage.
I sat on the stage in finger curls and white eyelet ruffles looking much like the storybook picture of Miss Muffet. I was happy, contented and apathetic (having or showing little or no emotion).
Using seemingly his last once of strength, this old impotent being reached the spot on the catwalk above me which he had chosen as his point of power. From inside his trench coat he pulled a marionette … it was a hideous, hairy spider with spindly octopus-like legs and invisible strings. The catwalk was edged with a railing made of steel tubular pipes. He rested his weight upon the cold steel, too weak to stand on his own. He dropped the marionette half-way down and adjusted his hands in the wooden frames that controlled the stings for moving the spider’s body. Then he dropped the spider all the way down, near my face.
As I caught sight of the hideous hairy spider from the corner of my eye, apathy fled and emotions stormed over me. The spineless, weak being above me had little strength to hurt me, but he chose to use my own power against me. I flailed out in fear and anger and my actions made that spider jump and fly through the air with more energy than the old fart could ever have put into it.
And at that juncture, the loving voice of my Lord broke into the scene and said, “Molly, the spider is fear. It has very little power on its own. But you give it your energy by flailing and struggling and assuming it is more powerful than it is. Think through this same scene and SEE that had you chosen to sit still and watch that spider, it would have dangled from strings and been as impotent to harm you as the one holding its frames. HE has no power over you unless you give it to him Fear is a choice!”
My life has never been the same. I am not always fearless, but I do know that when fear comes I can choose to have it go. Seeing things a new way … choosing another perspective or point of view … RESPONDING instead of reacting are all keys to maintaining my peace and experiencing the comfort and presence of my Lord Jesus.
“I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” PS 34:4
What is your spider? Can you imagine that puppet master? Will you trust the Godhead to give you another perspective?
Treasures in Plain Sight, A Christian Blog 