My life is but a weaving between by God and me; I cannot choose the colors He worketh steadily.
Oft' times He weaveth sorrow And I in foolish pride Forget He sees the upper And I the underside.
Not 'til the loom is silent And the shuttles cease to fly, Will God unroll the canvas And explain the reason why.
The dark threads area as needful in the Weaver's skillful hand As the threads of gold and silver In the pattern He has planned.
He knows, He loves, He cares; Nothing this truth can dim. He gives the very best to those Who leave the choice to Him.
Bob and I both have some medical issues going on. We would appreciate your prayers for wisdom on for us and especially for the medical personnel involved. Details will follow when decisions are made. Until then, appreciate what you can see of the weaving of your life that is between your God and you. I like the part about “I cannot choose the colors. He works steadily.”
Pastor Bob Gerhardt tried his best to teach me that control IS indeed an illusion. I might be embracing that teaching much more today than when he first introduced it to me.
Here and now is the present moment, the only life we have, RIGHT NOW. When we don’t like what we see most of us tend to avoid looking. Like a child on a stormy night who takes little peaks from under the covers, we only glance occasionally at what is going on.
This used to be me. I am trying to pray for the strength and courage that I need to face my life. The quote below got my attention.
When we are willing to be intimate with what actually is here now, to look directly at all of our experience, we might recognize that this is our life, however different from our thoughts and ideas about it.
ROSHI PAT ENKYO O’HARA ( Molly has no idea who this is)
“Look directly at all of our experience,” and by doing that the writer showed a discovery. Our thoughts and ideas about what our life is or is about to become usually differs from reality. Isn’t that strange? We think we are so advanced and educated and civilized. Then suddenly we discover that our thinking is faulty, wrong, ideas all askew.
Sometimes the reality is better, sometimes worse. I believe the thrust here is the difference.
As I write this Bob is baking my favorite birthday cake. I know he is taking it out of the oven because the timer just rang. The sound I am hearing is him poking holes in the white cake so the cream of coconut that he pours over the batter will soak into the cake. It is so rich and sweet that each year I only allow myself a smaller and smaller piece or my glucose levels go wild. But the taste of this cake is delicious. Yes, like it or not I am a Type 2 diabetic. Nothing will change that. I can lengthen my life somewhat by monitoring what I eat. I can shorten it by years if I choose to ignore the dietary guidelines and eat whatever I want.
When I was first diagnosed I was terrified. I began measuring portions for almost every single meal. I learned to count calories and carbs for the first time in my life. Eventually I calmed down and began to find the meals and combinations that are ‘safe’ for me, appropriate portions without being so very frightened about it. (Pizza and beer is not a good low carb combination!)
This year I turn 76. I take lots of medication and even insulin injections for the diabetes. So far, I do not need to test and inject at every meal. There does not SEEM to be an insulin pump in my future. Looking at my overall health gives a much better picture of reality than a single day or evening.
“Be intimate with what is actually here now.” Are you? Rick Hansen, wrote in his book Just One Thing, that there is power is saying to ourselves, “I am okay right now. I am okay right now.” Some of us tend to awfulize about what MIGHT happen. “Awfulize refers to an irrational and dramatic thoughtpattern, characterized by the tendency to overestimate the potential seriousness or negative consequences of events, situations, or perceived threats.” https://psychologydictionary.org/awfulizing/
We can also catastrophize. “Catastrophizing is a cognitive distortion that prompts people to jump to the worst possible conclusion, usually with very limited information or objective reason to despair. When a situation is upsetting, but not necessarily catastrophic, they still feel like they are in the midst of a crisis.” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/catastrophizing Are you prone to jump to despair?
Is life a catastrophy? Is it truly awful?
But what about right now? This very minute. Are you okay right now? To me one of the most important things that Rick Hanson, phd, wrote in his book Just One Thing is the idea he gained through his psychology practice of directing patients to the present moment and asking them, to take a “close look at this moment, right now. Probably, you are basically all right: no one is attacking you, you are not drowning, no bombs are falling, there is no crisis. It’s not perfect, but you’re okay.” He goes on to suggest, “In daily life, it’s possible to access this fundamental sense of all-rightness even while getting things done..”
This video is from years ago, same author, same message.
He goes on to write, “The fear that bad things will happen if you let yourself feel okay is unfounded; let this sink in. You do not need to fear feeling all right!”
If you have not gotten this book yet, please do. Purchase it for yourself or check your local library. He also gives advice for when you are really NOT all right.
Have you ever purchased a new book eagerly and then set it aside, only to discover it much, much later and be delighted? I bought Everyday Sacred, Everywhere Beauty, Readings from Old Monk’s Journal by May Lou Kownacki, OSB compiled by Ann McCarthy, OSB and Linda Romey, OSB.
I bought the book through the ministry of Joan Chittister, OSB. Here is a description of the book from Catholic Shop Canada: “Mary Lou Kownacki was a Benedictine nun, poet, and renowned peace activist who co-founded Pax Christi. For years she served as Joan Chittister’s writing partner in the Erie, PA, religious community they lived in. But it was in her beloved blog, “Old Monk’s Journal,” that she delighted readers, sharing her most intimate insights and writings. There, for over 12 years until shortly before her death in 2023, Mary Lou gave readers a rare glimpse into monastic life from the inside. In hundreds of personal blog posts she chronicled current events, reflections on her decades as a nun, stories of friends, poetry recommendations and profound insights on life’s purpose and mortality. Follow along as Mary Lou navigates the personal questions, concerns, and joys of her final chapter as a Benedictine woman. Through her experiences of living simply, seeking God, and advocating tirelessly for peace and justice, these pages offer timeless wisdom on faith, community, activism, and what truly matters. For those seeking insight on a life well-lived, these pages offer Mary Lou Kownacki’s lasting spiritual legacy.”
When I recently took the book off my shelf I eventually came across this entry., pages 155-157. She had decided to go back and read through her journals from 1978 to present. I myself have done that on occasion though I have never gotten all the way through mine. She wanted to know if there was anything in there worth publishing or sending to the convent archives.
She wrote, “I’m not sure if journal keeping isn’t actually the ultimate ego trip. Like who really cares what you think about … well, just about anything, Mary Lou?” And then she went to the words of Victor Frankl who wrote that “there are two ways a person can go through life. One way is to approach our calendar with fear and sadness as each day we tear off another sheet, noting that it grows thinner with each passing day. Another is to tear off the daily sheet, jot down a few personal notes on the back, and file it with the previous years.”
He writes of journal keepers:
“What does it matter if they notice they are growing old? What reason do they have to say that they envy a young person – for possibilities, for the future that awaits them. “No thank you,” they will say. “Instead of possibilities, I have realities in my past, not only the reality of work done and of love loved, but of suffering suffered. These are the things of which I am most proud.”
Mary Lou says to come to Frankl’s realization is definitely to find a pearl of great price.
Largest Pearl ever Found
The quote about tearing off a calendar page made me think of Bob and me. We both have enjoyed a page-a-day calendar this year. We sometimes make cards from our favorite pages. I never thought about writing my thoughts on a page and putting them in a drawer. Might need to try that out!
Are you keeping a journal? The last couple of years most, but not all, of my journaling has been through this blog. But I also have a couple of long shelves of hand written journals. Have you ever reviewed your journals for kernels of wisdom?
Do you have a page-a-day calendar? Do you enjoy the pithy sayings or cartoons? Do you ever write your comments about the page on the back and store it in a drawer?
Everyday Sacred, Everywhere Beauty .. we too can learn to live this way. Adopt this outlook on life for the month of November. See what a difference it can make in your heart and mind!
My neighbors have become dear friends over the last four years. They are snowbirds, which means they make me VERY uncomfortable. They are here for 5 months and then depart for 7 months or so. When they are here we are often at each other’s door. Sharing food, or borrowing something. Walking Lucky together in the afternoon. Having a meal at a favorite Mexican restaurant. Sharing snacks and an evening of Euchre. And then poof! they are gone.
We get to use their garage while they are gone. During their long time away we usually go into their home once a week or so to turn lights off and on, open blinds, flush toilets, etc. Their departure is hard on all of us, including their adult son and his young family who live here in Cincinnati. Two of her brothers live in Lima, Ohio and Indianapolis so they too miss this couple when they fly south. Yes, I experienced angst as the date drew closer.
His health has been declining rapidly and this year will be especially hard getting him through the airports and back home to Florida. When I read the selection for Lectio 365 the morning of their departure I immediately sent it along to her. She felt it was from God through me and read it before she climbed out of bed. So glad I could send her some comfort and strength.
“I choose to rejoice in the God who holds my hand today, joining with the ancient praise of all God’s people in the words of Psalm 73…
You hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. Psalm 73:23b–26 (NLT)
She determined to hold the hand of God throughout the day as they traveled. Travel is VERY hard work and the older I get the more I declare that. Imagine traveling with a loved one in stage 4 Parkinson’s disease! Nightmare.
Lectio went on to pray: “I join David now, bringing my whole body before the Lord in prayer. I bring attention to my eyes. What attracts my gaze? Is anything distracting me? Jesus, I fix my eyes on you. Help me keep my focus on you throughout this day. I look down at my right hand. Is anything making me nervous today? Or causing my hand to tremble? Make me unshakably confident that, as I hold onto you, I am held. I place a hand on my heart. Is my heart glad today? Or is it heavy with sorrow? Holy Spirit, fill me with supernatural gladness as I invite your presence.” https://lectio365.24-7prayer.com/share/devotionals/2026-10-19/morning?locale=en
I miss our friends and neighbors. They say friends are the family you choose. We have chosen this couple. I am glad they made it back to Florida safely. I will miss them as they continue to journey with Christ through the awful disease of Parkinson’s. They remain in my prayers.
I was playing music in my car from my favorite songs on a data stick. The next day I kept hearing a melody. Then a few words. Finally, I realized I was hearing the bridge from a song by a group called the Newsboys. The song is entitled We Believe.
The following are the words from the bridge:
So, let our faith be more than anthems Greater than the songs we sing And in our weakness and temptations We believe We believe
Anthem: 1. A hymn of praise or loyalty. 2. A choral composition having a sacred or moralizing text in English.
"Our faith greater than the songs we sing", so necessary if we are to push through our difficulties and struggles. Songs help, but there are times when there are no songs. There are times I am hard pressed to even remember a melody!
Here are the lyrics of the song followed by a music video. [Verse 1] In this time of desperation When all we know is doubt and fear There is only one foundation We believe, we believe
[Verse 2] In this broken generation When all is dark, You help us see There is only one salvation We believe, we believe
[Chorus] We believe in God the Father We believe in Jesus Christ We believe in the Holy Spirit And He's given us new life We believe in the Crucifixion We believe that He conquered death We believe in the Resurrection And He's comin' back again We believe
[Verse 3] (I called it the bridge) So, let our faith be more than anthems Greater than the songs we sing And in our weakness and temptations We believe, we believe Here is a video of the song.
Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23 NRSVUE
The opening photo is from a Bing wallpaper page. I could not resist the beauty!
While reading a novel called Junie by Erin Crosby Eckstine, I came across this quote:
“It is a gift to live. There is beauty in the persistence of her heartbeat, the tenacity of her breath, the courage of her bones.“
Then another day I read this from Insight Timer.
“To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.” -Henri Bergson“
Persistence, tenacity, courage, change, mature, creating oneself endlessly. I find inspiration in those terms. It is not easy to live. There is power though in learning to ‘play the cards you are dealt.’ Using the circumstances of your life to inspire you to rise above, to do better, to be different than the last time you found yourself disappointed in your behavior.
I am watching the foliage out my window as it ceases to make chlorophyll. The spice bush is glowing all yellow. The maple nearest to it is also turning buttery. Less sunlight makes as if there is sunlight in the very leaves! “As summer fades into fall, the days start getting shorter and there is less sunlight.”
As Bob and I age we are very aware of ‘less sunlight’ essential energy in our bodies. The quotes above encourage me to keep growing and changing for the better even as my body degrades and slows down.
As long as I draw breath I hope to always be praising the Lord my God. As long as I wake up “on this side of the grass” I want to pursue the glory and power of our Creator.
Let everything that breathes praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Psalm 150:6 NRSVUE
It is gloomy and drizzly today as Hurricane Isaias has blown through here as a rain storm. A huge tree in the distance is ‘suddenly’ glowing yellow. Tomorrow will be sunny and I imagine the environment around us will look quite a bit different than before the storm. Such is our life day to day. Storms come, things look different. We try to keep smiling as the seasons turn all around us and within us!
When Ginny passed her sons gave me her knitting supplies, yarn and projects. I passed almost all of the yarn on to several other places. There was a hat she had left on the needles that I really liked. It seemed to be just knit and purl. I took it to the Crochet and Knit senior center group that I attend on Wednesday mornings. They encouraged me to try it. I was amazed that I was able to finish it and get it off the needles!
I was a shameless braggart at the group the next week. So proud of myself! Ginny, you inspire me even beyond the grave!
I also inherited from her some bulky yarn. I have never worked with bulky yarn before. I decided to begin another hat with it. I found a free pattern on line and started one. I did not get the beginning border perfect, but I am learning. Before I knew it I had that hat finished also! Now I just need to find the pompom maker to top off this red wonder. Both hats will likely go to one of the 5 charities we contribute to provide winter warmth for kiddos and the homeless.
I always joke that the senior group wanted me to learn the pattern to knit washcloths. They have a nice edge on them that looks fancy. I could get the design on two of the edges, but always messed us the other two edges. I guess I will take my courage in hand and try that next!
After 55 years of crocheting it is an entire new ballgame to knit. For those who do not now crochet requires one hook. Knitting requires you to hold two needles.
Bob and I were driving some place. Beats me where? I had this thought that sort of made me giggle.
If you were to write a commercial for contemporary television, what would you say about chronic pain?
This is what came to me. Body rearrange – what is clamoring for attention – sort of like a brat child.
“This body rearrange is brought to you, by aches and pains au naturel. If it hurts, you ain’t dead yet!“
As the seasons change I find relief in the lack of HUMIDITY and air that is stifling. The cooler temperatures make for great sleeping. But there are days … oh my are there days … when everything hurts. The nice thing about Fibro is the pain moves about. If my elbows hurt this morning in a few hours it might be my knees. Tomorrow it could be some other place.
This body rearrange is brought to you, by aches and pains au naturel. If it hurts, you ain’t dead yet!“
Satchel Paige is quoted as having said, “Never give up … Find another way. And don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.”
84. Joint pain: proof I’m aging like a fine… curdled milk.
92. I am joint-ing hands with pain today.
62. My muscles are screaming for a massage.
74. I am trying to flex my way to a good mood.
Sounds like Gibbs with all the rule numbers!!
No matter what ails you, try to keep finding humor in the situation. We joked recently while walking what seemed like miles to a pulmonary appointment. We told the doc the office should be closer to the elevators at Christ hospital. Or perhaps they were hoping for a pulmonary crisis and an admission? Just kidding. I think.
How is your courage today? Perhaps you did not need to call upon courage at all today? Maybe you feel as if all your courage drained out like dishwater from the sink. Most of us need courage in some aspect of our life.
Without courage you can’t practice any other virtue consistently. You can be anything erratically—kind, fair, true, generous, all that. But to be that thing time after time, you need courage.
MAYA ANGELOU
Do you have the courage to be consistent in your walk and life with Jesus? Each day a new beginning but hopefully with the same conviction to honor God and do the will of the Almighty over your own wishes and desires.
I have found that courage comes with increased trust in the will of God for my life. I do believe the often quoted verse in Jeremiah 29: 11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
There is a woman who is watching her husband fold under the ravages of Parkinson’s disease. She must do almost everything for him now. She requires courage to face every day. Recently she went to the store and for some reason her phone ringer was turned off. While she was away he had an episode of illness. The Paramedics tried to call her to tell her they were transporting her husband to the local hospital. They did not get an answer and left no message on the phone. Through the intervention of the Holy Spirit and the quick action of neighbors she was notified by text and actually arrived at the hospital before the ambulance.
Living with someone who suffers from a terrible disease requires courage on the part of the one who is not suffering the same malady. She needs courage to keep placing one foot in front of the other. She requires courage to face the unknown future. This is a terrible disease that will ravage his being and most likely require he will eventually be cared for at a nursing facility. For now, she is his nurse, his wife, his chief cook and dishwasher. She, too, has a disease. Though it is a rare one, it takes a toll on her every season.
God, our Father, give these caregivers the courage to walk with their loved ones day in and day out as they suffer and experience the various stages of disease.
The Benedictines remind us to keep death always before us. Most of us stuff that idea under the sofa cushions and refuse to even examine the truth therein.
By keeping death always before us we come to cherish life more than if we pretend death will never happen to us. Life is precious and to be enjoyed. Even when it is not enjoyable, there are gifts in our midst. A TV sports conflict to take our minds off ourselves. The taste of a lovely coconut macaroon to delight our senses. The change of seasons to bring us fresh air. The softness of a pet’s fur. The songs of cricket and tree frogs. The shadow cast by objects under the light of a full moon on a clear night.
We can embrace the fact of our coming death and say no to denial. I have repeatedly come across the idea that we have been dying ever since we were born. There is a mystery in birth that is not to be considered greater than the mystery in death. We are all hurtling towards death the moment we are born. As someone has said, “I do not fear dying. It is how I am to die that has been shivering in my boots.”
Memento mori means remember that you have to die. Once I wrote in this blog about being aghast at seeing the star of The Chosen wearing skull rings. Then I realized they were to remind him he too will have to die. Here is a video short where he explains ….
Courage to live this day fully. Yes, Lord, I need courage for that!
Chronic means: continuing or occurring again and again for a long time. Being, providing, or requiring long-term medical care. Always present or encountered, especially: constantly vexing, weakening, or troubling.
This pain will not go away. Yes, it waxes and wanes, but it is never going to leave me until I die. I get so tired of it all. Lately I have especially had great difficulty when trying to get to sleep at night.
Today I will not have any caffeine at all in the afternoon. I will set up sleep meditations in case I cannot drift off on my own.
There are times when no matter how I prepare or take care of myself the chronic pain disrupts my life, my goals, my rhythm of living. There has not been a medication found to treat this. There are a few that help with some of the symptoms, but nothing that covers the umbrella of distress. It is chronic and sometimes crushing. I tell Bob there are times I feel as if I have been ground into a powder.
Why am I putting this in the blog? Well, there are likely others out there struggling with this or a similar problem. Sometimes I can get away from the all consuming pain sensations by getting focused upon a challenge or a project such as writing. Even one hour of departure from the torture chamber can be good. Cooking for an hour while singing favorite praise music can help. Sadly not every hour of the day can be spent planning a project, performing a task or rejoicing over a task completed.
I keep hearing snippets of a poem from 1985. When I looked for it just now it was about relationship trouble, not necessarily physical struggle.
Nighttime and the Unresolved Come marching to my bedroom Tramping through my head Hurling accusations Quoting words once said Reason takes a low profile While logic flees the scene Where is the solution For circumstances now turned mean Never, shoulds, and woulds Paint dismal, hopeless scenes Understanding vanishes Deep each insult bleeds. Forgiveness is the answer That makes the war to cease.
Let it go. Let go. Release. Present moment calls to me Be NowHere in God’s sweet peace A song can be resung The past can’t be undone But pouring in forgiveness The fall-out is made numb
Come to here and now Feast on today’s plenty In gratitude for all Dare to now drink deeply From streams of joy and love We are granted Only to “Live our lives by moments” Aren’t we now 1985
Though “Come to the here and now, feast on today’s plenty, in gratitude for all” does help me cope. When I come to the here and now in a painful night I have to place my focus upon Jesus Christ who loves me better than I love myself. I offer my pain on behalf of another. (I am not quite certain how that works, but I make the offering regardless.) I remember to breathe in Jesus and breathe out me, or breathe out my pain. I try not to watch the clock. Rest, just rest. Sink into the center down silence of love and peace.
I am seriously a work in progress. There is no medication that can help me with this. With St. Patrick I try to “arise today through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity with belief in the threeness and confession of the oneness towards the Creator.” Help me Lord not to project fear or negativity on this day and whatever it might bring. Help me to lie down tonight in Your arms of love and rest in Your everlasting care.
I will try to remember to pray compline especially with the wonderful portion of Psalm 4
verse 8 I lie down in peace; at once I call asleep; for only you, LORD, make me dwell in safety.
