Category: Trust

Posted on in Amazing Creations, Book quotes, Challenge, Faith, Illness and Health, Listen, Obedience, Praise, Prayer, Surrender, Trust, Yield

Revisiting Radical Acceptance

i foudn the photo above from our collected photos. It reminds me of a winged cloud. Before leaving on retreat I posted on Facebook Psalms 69:20 insults have broken my heart, so that I am in despair. I added the sometimes used phrase “But God…” leaving open the door for God to touch and change me, a reversal of usually negative consequences I might dream up. Then I left for retreat hoping to silence the compulsive thoughts and worries, focus on the Living Christ.

In her book, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach I learned the following

As we lean into our experience of the moment – releasing our stories and gently holding our pain or desire – Radical Acceptance begins to unfold. The two parts of genuine acceptance – seeing clearly and holding our experience with compassion – are as interdependent as the two wings of a great bird. Together. They enable us to fly and be free.

SEEING CLEARLY

HOLDING OUR EXPERIENCE WITH COMPASSION

How did I forget this lesson? I had worked hard 5 years ago studying the book, writing out the phrases that helped me the most, trying to keep the concepts before me. So I once again needed to revisit the wisdom on how to cope with this upset. I wrote pages about how I was feeling. I moved towards holding my experience with compassion but not allowing myself to enter the slimy bog of self-pity. That was work indeed!

I learned the person had checked themselves out of the hospital. Within a few hours I received an apology text. The next day I received another apology text. I sat with my feelings, trying to see them clearly, realizing a text or two would not heal the deep wounds. I held that personal experience with compassion and began to let it go. The wounding no longer held the immensity of a riptide or a massive storm surge, yet neither was it gone. There will come a time the pattern of wounding needs be addressed with the person.

Tara teaches that acceptance and compassion are like 2 wings of a great bird. After typing out notes from her book I told the Lord I need a bird to sit before me to remind me throughout the rest of the retreat to hold those two things for myself. Earlier I had visited the Convent bookstore and as I reached for a book on a shelf I broke an item. I immediately bought the item and said I would repair it for myself. An hour later I wondered where I could get glue, in silence, at the convent?!

Since it was Friday afternoon and silence had not yet begun, I was typing my notes at a Starbucks. After finishing my coffee I remembered that two blocks away was a Walmart. So I went there in search of superglue. When I got back to my room I smacked my head as I remembered the glue was to repair the tiny china bird I had broken. With a few attempts I was finally able to get its tail glued back on in the right position. Yes, stress was certainly playing a number on my brain since I did not remember I already HAD a bird!

So this Buddhist psychologist has helped me more than once to embrace the truth of Christ and move from what felt like devastating emotions to a place of equilibrium and calm. A calm that can only come in my experience from the Living God Who promises to never leave me or forsake me. A Risen Lord who promises to stay with me to the very end of the age. (Deuteronomy 31:6, Matthew 28:20)

From Gratitude daily quotes I read this:

If we begin to get in touch with whatever we feel with some kind of kindness, our protective shells will melt, and we’ll find that more areas of our lives are workable.

PEMA CHÖDRÖN

Some people do not think as Christians that we can glean wisdom from other faiths, but I disagree. The woman above is yet another Buddhist and she has helped me in a few areas that seemed blocked with emotions and unmovable. Yet here, she echoed what I had been working on. Kindness towards what I have been feeling and getting to a place where that area is more workable.

I thank my God for all the ways He reaches and touches me bringing me closer to Him and the offer of wholeness and holiness. Praise His Name forevermore.

Posted on in Faith, Journal, Obedience, Prayer, Trust, Yield

Find Words for This Sentiment

So here is me being transparent and vulnerable.

24-10-1 Find Words for This Sentiment ©Molly Lin Dutina
How do I find the words?
I am leaning into this desire to please You
though having difficulty understanding how

How do I get these poems and stories
OUT THERE where others can use them
should I simply publish them at Office Max 
fold, staple, hand them out?
Like the LET project?
print and drop from an airplane
yeah that one would work!
Except for those outside the drop zone
What about those You desire to get them
organize and get them out 
through Kindle publishing
Is it really necessary?
Can they just stay in the notebooks
and online until I am dead?

I am not looking to earn a bunch of money
I just keep getting this nudge
There is a new dog treat called Nudges
sorry, distraction there
I know You are not calling me to eat more!
Just better

Trying to listen
watched YouTube videos about self-publishing
they are mostly just annoying

I have a retreat coming up at Transfiguration
lead by the director of 
Forward Day by Day publishing. 
My priest says to pursue that.
His wife, also a priest, read my stuff
She says pursue that.
Lord, as I pursue that
I trust You to go before me
Make a way where my faith
falters and wonders 
if that is truly the next step.

Meanwhile, 
I will write the blog and 
share as much as I can with others.

ISA 55:11  so is My word that goes out from My mouth:
    It will not return to Me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

God will accomplish His goals through me as He desires. I will do everything in power to yield to His will and His ways.

Posted on in Book quotes, Faith, Memories, Obedience, Spiritual growth, Surrender, Trust, Writing Life

Associates Retreat October, 2024

As you read this I will be attending the Transfiguration Associates autumn retreat. (These mental health crises so often seem to coincide with the retreats.) I am usually so desperate for rest by the time I arrive that sleep is the first thing on the agenda for me! So I try to go a few hours before the retreat begins hoping for a nap and some restoration.

This year I am hoping the retreat leader has time to talk with me. He is the director of Forward Movement. In 1964 I began reading Forward Day by Day. “Forward Day by Day is a booklet of daily inspirational meditations reflecting on a specific Bible passage, chosen from the daily lectionary readings as listed in the Revised Common Lectionary or the Daily Office from the Episcopal Church’s Book of Common Prayer.” Eventually instead of just the tiny blurb printed from an author I used the Lectionary references to read from the Psalms, Old Testament, New Testament and Gospel readings. I was delighted by this booklet that took my faith leaps and bounds from where I began searching for God.

Now I use the app they have made to listen to Morning Prayer with those daily readings. I recently picked up a print copy of Day by Day at church. I had stopped my subscription to the print version a long time ago. I have greatly enjoyed this month’s author. Imagine how blessed I was to read this entry dated Tuesday, October 8 after the hurts from the mental illness person.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” How many of you were taught that growing up? For me, it’s one of the biggest lies from childhood. I may have forgotten the physical cuts, bruises and scars I received growing up, but the words still linger decades after childhood.

Words have far more power than we give them credit. Words have the power to give life. Words have the power to ruin lives as well. Twice in this chapter, Jesus uses words to heal. (Luke 7)

In the beginning God spoke the universe into existence. Words have power.

And as Uncle Ben of Spider-Man fame said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” We should all be aware of the power of our words. Joseph Woo, Vicar of Mosaic Episcopal Church, Diocese of Texas

So as I hear the retreat leader (Rev. Scott Gunn) and pray to meet with him personally, I ask for your prayers, too. I am hoping to speak with him about where to go with the blog writings and the poetry. My priest has encouraged me to approach him and I am eager to do just that. Forward Movement has many forms of publications. Perhaps there is one that will work to get these musings out to the wider public?

Enjoy your weekend. May you be blessed with a greater awareness of God’s Presence.

Posted on in Challenge, Faith, Music, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Surrender, Thanks, Trust, Worship

Music to Help Shake It Off

After receiving verbal abuse and accusations via texting I have to find a way to let go of it. To forgive. To get washed and made clean. To remember that as the Bride no mud balls the enemy slings, no matter whose voice he uses, can stick to the bridal gown of Christ. He has set me free.

me as a bride 54 years ago

Is there one song or verse or mantra or prayer you use in times like this? What is your best coping tool? Would you be willing to share it with others? Trying to recall the lyrics ….

I am free, 
I am free
I’m set free by the Blood of the Lamb
I am clean and spotless by Your blood
I am free - actual song was recorded in 2006.

And then Taylor Swift’s “Shake it off” came up. And finally my heart landed upon Be Loved.

None of them were perfectly healing, but each one took me a step closer to His Peace.

This morning I awoke with this chorus also from long ago.

“As we glory in Your embrace, as Your Presence now fills this place.”

Cannot say I am not quiet, a bit weary, but I know Who my Redeemer is!

Posted on in Book quotes, Faith, Illness and Health, Listen, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Surrender, Thanks, Trust, Yield

Reminded

I am often prepared for how to pray while reading Christian novels. A recent one had this simple prayer line.

The author of the Mountain Series wrote, “Lord, protect her. Do what I can’t.”

I adapt the prayer saying, “Lord, protect them. Do what I can’t.”

I took a walk after writing yesterday’s entry. That is when I remembered the novel and the line I copied. The Mountain Series by Misty M. Beller is full of such simple prayers. I read these, copy and paste them in my electronic notes knowing I will need them later. She seems to write this sort of prayer every time her character realizes they have moved away from trusting God and then the character returns with a simple declaration of faith.

So Monday morning, walking and trying to clear my brain for another blog entry, I prayed the above prayer and am writing it to each of you. “Lord, protect. Do what I cannot.” Brother Lawrence tells us that useless thoughts spoil everything and much mischief starts there…exact quote from the book of his letters is next.

“That useless thoughts spoil all: that the mischief began there; but that we ought to reject them, as soon as we perceived their impertinence to the matter in hand, or our salvation; and return to our communion with GOD.”

Words that bring life and repel darkness. Certainly easy to read and type. SO much harder to put into practice. Mental illness is so painful for the family members to watch. We get dragged into it when words or texts are flying with untrue accusations, most of which will never receive an apology. What does one do with those wounds?

I cannot tell you what years and years of this accomplishes. At the end of that first day this is how I felt.

Hollow watermelon with empty rind

Empty, hollow, almost unable to form a coherent sentence. Wondering what positive impact my life has ever made in this person and these situations.

I was reminded that the last response I made to a hurtful text was, “You are hurting all the ones who love you the most.” The response seemed to be hugely sarcastic, “Thanks for the advice.” Then crickets.

Perhaps there was an impact from my words. Maybe a glimmer of light broke through from the Lord’s hand? God knows. I learned later that shortly thereafter, things began to turn around for the better.

I went to sleep asking the Lord to help me rest and not obsess over all that had been said and done not only that day, but over the weeks, over the years leading up to this event.

I was truly amazed when I awoke the next morning and realized I had slept all the way through the night.

I am reminded as I write this that my mother once made pickled watermelon rinds.

Tasty, but they seemed WAY too sweet to me!

So perhaps that is my guidance. Take the words and the hurt and the anguish. Clean down to the rind. Cook it is the forgiveness of Christ adding the sweetness of His Presence. Serve it up as an offering on his banqueting table?

Posted on in Challenge, Faith, Listen, Poetry, Prayer, Trust, Yield

Early Monday Morning

24-10-7 Earliest Hour of Morning©Molly Lin Dutina

When all color is still black and white
Crows of accusation sound loudest
Seeming to echo my inner life

Then Light of God, Dawn of the Savior arrives
The Brightness of His glory reveals
Accusation is not reality

Crow caws become similar to Blue Jay warnings
Half-light is not truth
Sovereign from on high declares

Reality for what it truly is
Ambiguity clears

Little did I know this verse was to cushion me for what was to come this very morning. Yes, all hell broke loose again in the life of a loved one. That person suffers from mental illness. As often as we try to think it is over and things are well and healed now, wait for it, not mike drop, but boulder crashing down our mountain side. The illness cycles around again and we are each back in the throes of it.


As bewildering and scary as it is for us I know it must be so much more so for the family member. We are helpless to do anything but pray. Again we relinquish the person to Christ. Again ask the Holy Spirit to intervene. Once more asking the Father to break through the darkness.


As one song song lyric set declares, “I’m falling on my knees, offering all of me,”

https://www.youtube.com/embed/erQku5-O0Y0?si=tTTWiam8A7HGfiyF

We wait. We pray. We are cautious for our own well-being. We determine what we will or will not do this time around when the dust settles. We anguish over the ground lost. We cry out to the One who loves each of us best.

So hard not to accuse ourselves that we might have seen the signs earlier. At the same time, realizing there was nothing we could have done to avert the crashing. Feeling helpless is an apt description. I pray and wait . I hope and trust. I despair and repent of that. This is out of my hands.

It has always been out of my hands. When someone is out of their “right” mind I have little or not influence. I enlist prayer warriors and I try as best I can to just let go and get my focus back on Christ our Savior. Oh God, help us we pray.






Posted on in Challenge, Faith, Just do it, Listen, Memories, Music, Obedience, Praise, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Surrender, Trust, Yield

Have You Danced With God?

When I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia I came across this poem:

There is no box made by God nor us but that the sides can be flattened out and the top blown off to make a dance floor on which to celebrate life. Kenneth Caraway

The poem encouraged me that even though I could barely walk at times, I could still dance with my beloved Lord and celebrate life with Him.

At what point did you give yourself to intimacy and trust with the Lord? I clearly remember (and am regularly reminded) that my moment in adult life was at a church conference. I have no idea now who the speakers were or who did the music. I do recall it was a Vineyard conference held in a hotel. There I had an intense and intimate moment with the Lord Jesus that changed me forever.

I was leaned against a door frame during a break between sessions when I remember clearly hearing the Lord say to me, “Come!” in the same commanding voice that Yul Brenner used in the King and I. No, I was not thinking about that movie or the song, but that is what I heard. I do not mean to imply that by God is as moody as the King in the movie. Just think of this as an invitation to intimacy with the Risen Christ.

Then it seemed as if I was in the arms of Jesus and dancing around the room. Unseen by others, to music unheard by others, yet just as real as the ballroom we were meeting in. Isn’t that just like our relationship with the Living God? Unseen by others and unheard by others yet real and vibrant and alive in every aspect of the word?

There is a movie clip and the lyrics for “Shall We Dance” from Rodgers and Hammerstein. (Evidently this clip has 7 different versions. I imagine you would find once is enough, though it is interesting to see how the different directors and actors play it out!)

Anna:
We’ve just been introduced,
I do not know you well;
But when the music started,
Something drew me to your side.

So many men and girls
Are in each other’s arms—
It made me think we might be
Similarly occupied.

Shall we dance?
On a bright cloud of music
Shall we fly?

Shall we dance?
Shall we then say good night
And mean goodbye?

Or perchance
When the last little star
Has left the sky,

Shall we still be together
With our arms around each other
And shall you be my new romance?

On the clear understanding
That this kind of thing can happen,
Shall we dance?
Shall we dance?
Shall we dance?

Shall we dance?

Have you put God in a box? Are you willing to blow off the top, flatten the sides and make a dance floor to meet your God upon? Will you give yourself to this sort of intimacy? How do you respond when the Lord says, “Come!” to you? I pray you will arise and do whatever He asks!

Posted on in Aging, Challenge, Faith, Journal, Listen, Music, Obedience, Praise, Prayer, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Surrender, Trust, Worship

Page Turner

For quite a while I have enjoyed Elevation Worship. I taped a program on TV called Elevation Church. Thought I might have time to learn about the preaching there. To continue my story about a rough week:

Bob went to shower and I looked at what TV shows I had recorded. There was a church service from Elevation church. I love Elevation music and decided to see what this was about. The LORD met me there. Sermon was about the Holy Spirit as our Ghost Writer. The events of our life might hit us as the end, but God encourages us to be a page turner.

I heard Pastor Furtick say “We are only at this point, there is more God is writing in our story.” I asked my sorry self to sit up and pay attention. Okay, more pain was a disappointment: not what I wanted, yet a reality. Disappointment in realizing I have OTHER THAN what I hoped for. Same old, same old; same shit, different day. My problem was I had put my hope in other than God’s will. No, His will is not more suffering. His will is always acceptance and seeking His way through life rather than digging in my heels and stubbornly insisting on my way be done. The injection did not fix the problem of pain. I did not need to let it drive me from the One who loves me best!

I have listened to this Elevation church sermon more than once. Letting the reality of God-at -work sink into my heart and soul. HE wants me to be a page turner in my own story. Embracing the story as it unfolds. Not stopping at the obstacles that occur in my life. His ways truly are higher than my ways. He has my best interests in mind – all the time.

I confessed the ignorance and futility of hoping for other than His ways and His will for me. Just like when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, He has not promised to remove this pain from me, but a better promise than that has been given to me. He has promised to BE WITH ME IN IT.

This pain provides a limitation on me with the aging of turning 74 this year. As we approach and pass the celebration of our 54th wedding anniversary we both recognize that indeed we are aging and slowing down in so many ways. Though our outer person is wasting away our inner person is newer through the Holy Spirit day by day.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.2 Cor 4:15-17

He says, “My mind says it is over, but I have a ghost writer! The helper called the Holy Ghost is the ghost writer!” As a wordsmith you can imagine the impact that statement made upon me!

Below is a YouTube recording of the entire sermon. If you have never heard Steven Furtick preach you might be interested. He is a cross of old-time black preacher and contemporary charismatic preaching. The organ that emphasizes his sermon reminds me of going to church years and years ago with Lucretia and the woman from Having the Courage to Change .

He encourages us all to be a page turner. He says lick your finger and be willing to turn to the next page. If you scroll to about minute 37 or so, you will get the Lord’s point to me.

Perhaps the pain in my life is a necessary mess? I am driven back to the arms of God when I am bombarded with pain, knowing for a fact I cannot cope on my own, in my own strength. Yet the Trinity comes and lifts me up, gives me thoughts and ideas on how to keep going even in the face of debilitating chronic pain. Osteoarthritis and diabetes are both chronic and progressive. There is no cure for either one. But Christ has promised He will never leave me or forsake me. I might turn from Him when I am disappointed or frustrated, but I am never alone.

At the end of the sermon they played this worship song. Again, found me right where I am living.

Christy Nockles reminds us in her lyrics for Be Loved that I may try to run away, but He’ll come running after me. Relinquishing to His love and resting in His arms is the best path to healing for me. Hope resides in me realizing that this is just ‘an episode, not the entire movie’ of my life – just a season with another season to follow.

I have been hit again this week with the reminder that I enjoy spring much more than autumn when nature is wilting and ready to die back to the ground. In spring it is exciting to discovery what will open to life next. The withering of autumn is so much less enjoyable. “Yet, inwardly I am renewed day by day.” Remember that part, Molly Lin. Refreshed, renewed, made new creation.

Come then Holy Spirit and continue to write this story called me. I am Yours. I am held.

Posted on in Aging, Challenge, Faith, Illness and Health, Listen, Music, Obedience, Prayer, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Surrender, Trust

A Struggle This Month – Installment 1

This is not an easy entry to compose, but I sense a call to be transparent. Perhaps someone else might be encouraged if they too are struggling?

If you follow this blog you might remember I have had a peculiar pain in my left hip for the past year. The internist ordered an X-ray and they results were simply arthritis. This is a new to me arthritic pain. I am already on ,medications to alleviate the chronic pain that I suffer. The meds were not touching this one. Sometimes I would walk the dog, get halfway down the street and fear I might not make it home unless I called Bob to come get me. Have not had to do that yet, but it was THAT much pain.

When I saw the pain specialist he suggested an epidural much like I have had in the past for pain on my right side. It did not alleviate the pain. Then there was the procedure I call the nerve cooker. First Medicare insisted on 2 trial injections of Novocaine to ascertain if position was correct and if the procedure worked. The relief lasted 45 minutes to 2-1/2 hours. It was determined that the nerve cooker would work. I had the Medial Branch radio frequency nerve ablation and I looked forward to months of relief. It came with terrible leg cramps that woke me in the night. Thank goodness I have not had a repeat of the worst one that left me gasping, in pain from hip to hell, but I continue to experience lesser cramps.

The morning of my return appointment I did a centering meditation with Andrew Johnson on Insight Timer. I had moved into a place during meditation of seeing Jesus holding me while I floated in water. He literally upheld me. I remembered snippets of a song by Christy Nockles.

I saw the doctor later that day. It is final. The procedure did not work. The medical option did not prove to be helpful. In fact, it caused those unrelenting leg cramps. That left me at the bottom of the pit emotionally. The pain specialist said there was one more nerve block he could try. I asked didn’t we already do that? He said this was a different one. Or he could refer me to a back surgeon. He said even then he was not certain my ruptured discs were bad enough to warrant surgery. I recoiled. No one WANTS back surgery. But he gave me the name of a surgeon at Anderson Mercy.

I had asked myself, “What would my grandparents have done?” The answer was live with it. So I am trying to embrace my own prayer more fully. The prayer that goes, 

I have determined that this day, 
each time I am drawn up short by pain, 
I will praise You 
for I love You better than life - 
even better than quality of life.

On way home from surgeon I just wanted to weep at the prospect of more pain. I wanted a double dip peanut butter chocolate chip sundae with hot fudge and peanut butter topping for lunch. Being a conscientious diabetic I could not bring myself to stop at the UDF I passed on the way home. I just keep driving. Then I thought about having a vodka gimlet or two. Nope, did not do that either. My eyes kept overflowing with disappointment.

After trying to rest during the afternoon (and failing to sleep) I found the Christy Nockles song that I could not place that morning. I put it on replay, continuously for a couple hours, asking the truth to reside in my soul.

I still want to cry hearing the wondrous lyrics that hold His truth. “So just be held, be held, He holds you.” I know that none of this was a surprise to the Savior. He was not startled or taken aback that the procedure did not work. He knows and understands the pain I experience.

Dinner came and went. I was not much improved; however, I had the hope of that song to cling to. This is installment one of how I am coping. Tomorrow I will share how a TV sermon touched my heart.

Posted on in Aging, Faith, Marriage and Memories, Memories, Praise, Prayer, Thanks, Trust, Yield

This is Us!

Yes, I would give myself in marriage to Robert Dutina today, even knowing all I know about our life together thus far! Just a wonderful blessing our marriage has been to me!

Today is our big celebration! Married Fifty-four years! Count ’em 54!

There were folks how placed bets it would never last. We never asked Betty Dutina who those betting people were. All I can say is we have lasted thus far!

Live Oak Park, Berkeley, California, 1970

19,723 days. 648 months. 28,401,840minutes. Any way you look at it we have been married a LONG time, but in my eyes not long enough!!

2017 Grand Canyon
Easter on Siesta Drive after Bob had been so ill
My face ached after smiling so much on our wedding day!

And 54 years later I am still smiling!

Happy Anniversary to us! The church prayed over us as we celebrate: “O God, send Your blessing upon these Your servants, that they may so love, honor, and cherish each other in faithfulness and patience, in wisdom and true godliness, that their home may be a haven of blessing and peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.” BCP Page 431