Category: Memories

Posted on in Aging, Faith, Family, Memories, Obedience, Praise, Prayer, Spiritual discipline, Trust, Yield

Psalm 27

Is there a Psalm that claims your heart above others? I first took this Psalm to heart in about 1967. I had by then joined the Episcopal church. There are many lines that I could eventually relate to. Coming to know the Lord as my light, a light upon my path was wonderful. As you likely know the teenage years are tumultuous. This Psalm helped anchor me. Plus my family was headed for shipwreck, though early in the year we did not realize that.

The Lord is my light and my salvation—
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
    of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When the wicked advance against me
    to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
    who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
    my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
    even then I will be confident.

4 One thing I ask from the Lord,
    this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
    and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
    and set me high upon a rock.

6 Then my head will be exalted
    above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
    I will sing and make music to the Lord.

7 Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
    be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
    Your face, Lord, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
    do not turn your servant away in anger;
    you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
    God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
    the Lord will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, Lord;
    lead me in a straight path
    because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
    for false witnesses rise up against me,
    spouting malicious accusations.

13 I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.

Salvation is being preserved from danger, loss or harm. There are so many themes and images in this Psalm. Whew! How to narrow it down to my story. My father had died about 6 years earlier. My mother had remarried. My sister and I had no memory of this man from earlier in our life. He had values very different from the ones we had been raised with thus far. Within a few years my sister was in deep trouble. I sought counseling at Family Services because I was clueless how to negotiate the troubles. Eventually the family had a blow up. I ended up in Juvenile Court where the counselor and the judge decided what to do with me. My mother and step-father concocted a story about my sister and me beating our mom and trying to steal her car to run away. It was ridiculous. My mother had a condition called Purpura. If anyone squeezed her arm too hard she would bruise. They presented the court with photos of her arms. We had never laid a hand upon her. Ever. I was literally caught in the mess. The judge decided against my parents and I was made a ward of the court for the few months remaining until I turned 18. The counselor told me I won. It did not feel like winning.

Yes, my mother and stepfather did forsake me. I went to live with the family of a friend until my classes at the University of Cincinnati began. My tuition, room and board had already been paid for the first year. When I eventually moved to the university housing, I left the church but took Jesus with me. I could not reconcile the experience I was living with what seemed like the hunky-dory life for the parishioners. It was many years before I realized that each of us is broken. Some just hide it better than others.

Now, 58 years later, I understand the Psalm and broken people better than I did at that young age. I also know that the Lord took me to His heart when my parents forsook me. We have remained close ever since. Cling to the LORD in all situations!

Posted on in Book quotes, Challenge, Faith, Just do it, Listen, Memories, Obedience, Prayer, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Trust, Yield

Isaiah 30:15

Page 832 of the Book of Common Prayer has the prayer #59 For Quiet Confidence.

O God of peace, who hast taught us that in returning and
rest we shall be saved, in quietness and confidence shall be
our strength: By the might of thy Spirit lift us, we pray thee,
to thy presence, where we may be still and know that thou
art God; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

When we visited the National Cathedral I was delighted to find a small plaque on the wall with this very prayer on it. The photo of that plaque hung on my wall for many years.

Many, many years ago I chose Isaiah 30:15 as my ‘life verse.’ It reads:

For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel:
In returning and rest you shall be saved;
    in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.
But you refused NRSVUE

I have returned to the prayer and verse countless times over the years. I am always stung by the last phrase, “But you refused” or “But you would not.” Oh Lord deliver me from being one who refuses.

There truly is strength in practicing this verse in your daily life. Here are a few ways. Returning and rest, quietness and trust. That hushes my speculations. Calms my rushing about. (maiden name was Rush!) There are so many applications. Try pondering this prayer and verse for 7 days. See what impact it has upon you! I often print things like this and carry them in my pocket throughout the day.

By the might of Your Spirit, LIFT US WE PRAY, to Your Presence where we maybe still and KNOW that you are God.

by the might of Your Spirit lift us we pray
Posted on in Amazing Creations, Family, Memories, Nature, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Surrender, Trust, Yield

Tradition

When I was a child I remember my parents taking me to the Krohn Conservatory here in Cincinnati to see the nativity scene with live animals. When Bob and I moved back to this area I took him, and he, too, was enchanted. So we made it our habit to bring the children and then for a while the grandchildren to see the same wonder. We even took an elderly friend once and she was delighted!

This year we visited it alone. I love to watch the children delight in the animals. One toddler was telling the cow “Moo!” Another stooped over a little bit to look between the bars of the fence (there to keep us separate from the animals and characters). He was so cute and reminded me of our own kids at one time. The sheep were way out in the grassy yard. We could not figure out how to get them to come closer. Some of the young adults wanted to see the sheep up close. On one occasion one year they were so close we could pet them. This year they did not want to move.

photo by r m dutina

We waited around awhile to watch the families come through. Then I noticed a man leaned over the fence making a motion with his hand as if he had a treat in it. The sheep began to stir. He was not making a sound. I told him we had been trying to figure out how to get the sheep to move, and here he did it with a simple gesture. He replied, “Well, they are my sheep.”

Who better to scratch your ear than your own shepherd!

Sure enough in a matter of mere moments he had them up and moving towards him. One kiddo was delighted and kept saying “Sheep! Sheep!” The shepherd made a few clicking sounds and they came closer to the fence. He did not have treats, but those sheep obviously knew their shepherd. The shepherd told us he worked there at the Krohn and would slip out from time to time to visit his sheep. I thanked him for sharing them with us. Bob told him that we had been coming for years and all the delight those sheep brought to us and others we brought to visit.

Finally this one came to check us out. photo by r m dutina

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. 28 I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. 29 My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. John 10:27-31 NIV

My prayer is that now and throughout the coming year you would follow the voice, and touch, and signals from your Shepherd. The Great Shepherd of the sheep loves you immensely.

Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, 21 equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. Hebrews 13:20-21 ESV

Posted on in Book quotes, Challenge, Faith, Just do it, Listen, Memories, Obedience, Prayer, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Yield

Using A Buddhist Bucket In A Christian Well

Once a woman came to our home. When she saw Bob’s copy of “Zen and the Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance” on the shelf she was immediately suspicious. The narrowness of her Christian belief system stunned me. As if Christ cannot handle other ways of thinking? I don’t know. I was just stunned. Good thing she never saw this title on the same bookcase! “Without Buddha I Could Not Be A Christian.”

Below is a talk by the theologian Doctor Paul Knitter given at the Faith and Life lecture series the Baldwin Wallace University located in Berea, Ohio just 12 miles from Cleveland. Paul was ordained in Rome in 1966, married in 1982 and taught undergraduates at the Xavier University for some 30 years.

I heard Paul Knitter speak at an Associates Retreat at the Convent of the Transfiguration. I bought his book. Wish I had put the purchase date in the front. Oh well. I recently pulled it off the shelf again as The Book of Joy reminded me that he is where I learned to use a Buddhist bucket in my Christian well. That refers to learning the power and importance of silence in my journey with the Trinity.

On Page 153 of his book, Dr. Knitter says “We need an additional Sacrament, the Sacrament of Silence. I believe we Christians need to receive this Sacrament regularly and frequently, as frequently as every day. (Fortunately, it’s a self-administered sacrament, so we don’t have to go to church.)

Page 154: To pick up the analogy used earlier in this chapter, Buddhism offers Christians a bucket that can draw up the mystical depths of the Cristian well. It provides a help, for some a decisive help, to realize and enter in the non-dualistic, or unitive, heart of Christian experience – a way to be one with the Father, to live Christ’s life, to be not just a container of the Spirit but an embodiment and expression of the Spirits, to live by and with and in the Spirit, to live and move and have our being in God. So I’m proposing a Buddhist means to a Christian end – Buddhist tools for a Christian project. Without Buddha I Could Not Be A Christian

I am going to stop copying the text now. I want you to give this some thought. I know this may be a lot to take in. I encourage you though to keep reading. Wouldn’t you like to find a means to deepen your ability to fulfill oneness with Christ? When I am in a retail place and they ask, “May I help you ma’am?” I always reply, “I need all the help I can get!” None of the things I have adapted into my prayer life from Buddhism have made me less of a Christ follower. I agree with Knitter, that learning about silence and stillness has made me better at following the Holy Spirit and walking with Christ. How do you accomplish stillness and silence?

The Sovereign Lord has given me a well-instructed tongue,
    to know the word that sustains the weary.
He wakens me morning by morning,
    wakens my ear to listen like one being instructed.
5 The Sovereign Lord has opened my ears;
    I have not been rebellious,
    I have not turned away. Isaiah 50:4-5 NIV

I learned years ago I cannot open my own ears. At times I can barely yield myself to listening for the still, small voice of God! But God is my help and strength (Psalm 28). God shows me the way. When the chatter in my head proves daunting, I can choose to go to the Sacrament of Silence. I gently return again and again as often as it takes for 15 minutes. At times, I practice Psalm 131.

My heart is not proud, Lord,
    my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
    or things too wonderful for me.
2 But I have calmed and quietened myself,
    I am like a weaned child with its mother;
    like a weaned child I am content.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

Posted on in Book quotes, Challenge, Faith, Family, Memories, Rest, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Surrender, Yield

Psalm 36

Often sung but have you believed and lived it?

7 How precious is your steadfast love, O God!
    All people may take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
8 They feast on the abundance of your house,
    and you give them drink from the river of your delights.
9 For with you is the fountain of life;
    in your light we see light. Psalm 36:7-9

Even Amy Carmichael in The Edges of His Ways comments on abundance using Romans 5

Much more they which receive abundance of grace . . . shall reign in life by One, Jesus Christ. Romans 5:17

There is a lovely word in this verse, it is “abundance.” The word is translated “overflowing” in Weymouth and elsewhere, and Way has “The measureless overflowing of the fountain of the grace of God.” This is the grace that is ready to help us in time of need, this and nothing less. Thank God, He does not measure out grace in teaspoons. The measureless overflowings of the fountain are for each one of us today. Need we fail? NEVER.

How can we comprehend this abundance? Have you tried to drink from this fountain?

Often at Christmas we overwhelm ones we love with gifts. Did you realize that was God’s idea first? When gifting our kids at Christmas we often chose to only give them three since that is what the Wise Men brought to Jesus at His birth. This year I found myself stuffing more than one gift in each bag!

Love, grace, delights, life, and light to name a few. Amy says each one of us need these everyday. Sit with your heavenly Father and make yourself receptive to His gifts DAILY. It makes a tremendous difference!

Posted on in Aging, Cooking, Faith, Family, Humor, Memories, Praise, Thanks

Even the Smallest Blessings – Might not have posted?

I wrote this last week. It never showed up for Bob. Few seemed to see it, so I am posting it again! No clue what happened.

We can learn to rejoice in even the smallest blessings our life holds. It is easy to miss our own good fortune; often happiness comes in ways we don’t even notice.

PEMA CHÖDRÖN

I recently shared a recipe with a friend for making Thanksgiving dressing. I learned from my sister’s mother-in-law that if you shape it into balls and bake it is much tastier than if you stuff it in the turkey. Stuffed dressing always seems soggy to me! My friend made and served dressing balls at her Thanksgiving feast and they were a hit. We love them, too!

DRESSING BALLS 1 bag=4c, 2 bags=8c Makes 20 balls
Saute 1/2 cup margarine 1 cup chopped celery
1 small onion diced
Add 4 Tablespoons dry, chopped parsley 1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper 1-1/2 teaspoon sage
1 teaspoon thyme 1 cup chicken or turkey broth

Put 2-14 oz. bags of dry bread cubes in very large bowl.
Pour hot spice mixture over cubes and begin to stir. Gradually add 3 more cups of broth until you can form bread cubes into baseball sized servings.

Spray oven-proof glass pan with oil. Form and place balls in pan. Pour some broth over for heating. Cover with foil. Refrigerate. When ready to serve, heat 10 minutes covered and 5-10 minutes uncovered at 325°.

After my mother died suddenly in 1975, I was furious when I realized just how many of her recipes she never wrote down. It took me years to try to find recipes similar to what she made. I made it my practice to write my recipes out so my kids could have them when I was gone. When we got our first computer I put the recipes into the computer and printed out copies for me, and my children. To this day I continue this practice.Oil the pans. About 2 hours before baking, cut off amount needed and return rest to fridge. Shape while cold. Cover and let rise on counter  1-1/2 to 2 hours. Brush with melted butter.

I learned to make yeast rolls that can be refrigerated until you are ready to use the dough (several days). Then you shape the rolls or coffee cake and let the dough rise before baking. Makes those holiday meals less hectic and they are SO tasty. Beats every store bought roll we have ever had. Eventually the arthritis in my hands said NO! to forming that cold dough. Caused me a lot of pain. First Emily took over the rolls, then eventually my husband took it over when Emily left home. He realized that I had not written out the step where you let the dough rise on the counter. Oops. I just assumed. This year he realized I did not write out, grease the pans. Another oops.

The other day Emily (daughter) called and said she had given her recipe to a friend, but forgot to copy the backside of the recipe card. How to shape and bake them. (LOL) I updated the recipe saying to GREASE THE PANS and sent her a copy.

What touched me with a small gratitude was that she not only liked my recipe, but shared it with a friend. That might seem small to others, but to me it was huge! “Even the smallest blessings.”

Have you been keeping up with a gratitude list? Perhaps you can make this a week of noting even the smallest things?

The hard frost we have had for several nights has finally killed off the nasturtium vines that are trailing all over the garden. Did not have the heart to pull them earlier as they were blooming right up to the end. I was pondering when it might warm up enough to get those vines into the trash. Then I realized I could simply remove them from the porch and let them disintegrate in the flower bed! Genius tiny blessing. If I wait until it warms up those vines will be soggy and ugh!

Elephant Ears beginning to succumb to wintry weather. They are now totally dead.

One more small blessing. Bob was telling friends about me making dressing balls. It was a small gathering of people who knew each other well. Suddenly the 82 year old at the table asked, “I just have one question. Would someone tell me what turkey balls are?” The table went quiet. Eventually one guy began to giggle. Then the table erupted in laughter. Oh my. The woman placed her hands over her mouth and turned red as she realized what she had said. My sister’s mother-in-law likely would not have approved, but they found it hilarious and could not stop laughing. Bob explained I would shape the dressing into balls to serve with the turkey.

Keep looking for treasures, even tiny ones, for your gratitude list!

Posted on in Book quotes, Challenge, Faith, Family, Illness and Health, Just do it, Memories, Obedience, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Surrender, Trust, Yield

How Do You Hold Things?

Perhaps in the opening photo you noticed the hand on my dashboard? I cannot remember if I posted this story previously or not. If I did you still might want to read this as I finally located the complete story online.

When our kids were young teenagers I bought a dismembered hand at a Halloween store for my own object lesson. The hand I bought then was very flexible. I cut the “blood” off the cuff and placed it on the dashboard to remind me to hold the children loosely. They thought it was hilarious as every time we hit a bump the fingers would vibrate and bounce. No idea where that hand is today, but I needed another one this autumn.

I started by shopping at the original shop where I had bought it. No such thing. The one they asked to be sent from the downtown location was not right and too bloody. Shop keeper assured me they could sell it.

Finally found something similar on Amazon and had it sent to the house. Cut the blood off the cuff. It is not as bouncy but still holds the same message.

Recently I was in anguish seeking wisdom from the Lord. On the way to our trysting location I heard I should try Chuck Swindoll. Originally I had read the object lesson in a book of daily devotions compiled from his teachings. Have absolutely no idea what that book was called. Sure enough the example was available online. I do not think I ever read his entire telling of it.

Here goes: Shortly before her death, Corrie ten Boom attended our church in Southern California. Following the worship service, I met briefly with her, anxious to express my wife’s and my love and respect for her faithful example. She inquired about my family . . . how many children, their ages—that sort of thing. She detected my great love for each one and very tenderly admonished me to be careful not to hold on to them too tightly. Cupping her wrinkled hands in front of me, she passed on a statement of advice I’ll never forget. I can still recall that strong Dutch accent: “Pastor Swindoll, you must learn to hold everything loosely … everything. Even your dear family. Why? Because the Father may wish to take one of them back to Himself, and when He does, it will hurt you if He must pry your fingers loose.” And then, having tightened her hands together while saying all that, she slowly opened them and smiled so kindly as she added, “Remember … hold everything loosely … everything” In the back of my mind I can still hear her words.

I retained “Hold everything loosely, because the Father may wish to change things and it will hurt you if He must pry your fingers loose. Hold everything loosely … everything.”

I cannot remember how many times I have shared that lesson. Just this morning I learned that my dear friend from childhood had a terrible report from her husband’s MRI. “It showed metastases to the spine, pelvis and lymph nodes. He has been under the care of a team – urology, oncologist and radiation oncologist for prostate cancer. They were pretty certain it had spread to the bones somewhere but not certain where. Until now it had not shown up on any scans.” On her behalf I am holding her husband loosely as I pray for them as a couple walking through this.

Since my husband almost died in 2018 I have rejoiced in every day that I still have with him. I cannot say I have practiced holding him loosely. As the Father has allowed things to change with one family member I have remembered the pain of having my fingers pried loose.

In most circles this is called non-attachment. I find it especially difficult to do in regards to family members and those we love dearly.

So the hand remains on my dashboard. I pray that you, too, will able to open your hands and hold all things loosely. Corrie ten Boom was a woman of intense wisdom learned through unbelievable suffering and cruelty in the concentration camp in Germany. If you have not read her biography, “The Hiding Place” I encourage you to get it and brace yourself for a telling of the comfort and power of God. It is in print, was made into a movie, and also a play.

Perhaps you can adopt this posture as you pray.

Posted on in Challenge, Faith, Just do it, Listen, Memories, Obedience, Rest, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Surrender, Trust, Worship

Quietness

One thing that is difficult for me to do is to maintain quietness in my heart and mind. My “life verse” Isaiah 30:15 helps me with this, WHEN I remember it!

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:

“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
    in quietness and trust is your strength,
    but you would have none of it.” Isaiah 30:15

In the Book of Common Prayer I am often frustrated because the scriptures used are not given a cross reference. I delighted when I came across this prayer in the Book of Common Prayer on Page 832. For this prayer, I already knew the Scripture!

Prayers for Family and Personal Life 59. For Quiet Confidence

O God of peace, who hast taught us that in returning and
rest we shall be saved, in quietness and confidence shall be
our strength: By the might of thy Spirit lift us, we pray thee,
to thy presence, where we may be still and know that thou
art God; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

When Bob and Jeff were both confirmed in the Episcopal Church we stayed in that community for many years. When the choir director set up every song during worship in Latin, I was furious, declaring “If we are going to sing in Latin I think we ought to sing in tongues with or without interpretation!” Irish German temper showing there! We then migrated from the Episcopal church to the Vineyard.

When we worshiped at the Vineyard at the time they were on the cutting edge of contemporary worship music. Many scriptures were incorporated into lyrics. One of the best ways to learn scripture is to sing it! And we sang, learned and the Word of God went into our hearts. This is one of those songs from long ago. The lyrics for the song are below. Hear it as the Trinity singing to you.

Song for the Bride, written by Brian Doerksen

I have longed to hold you in my arms
And take all of your fear away
I will take your filthy rags
And make them clean

If you receive my love
If you will receive my love
Return to me
And hear my spirit say

In repentance and rest
Is your salvation
In quietness and trust
Is your strength

Return to me
Return to me
And hear my spirit say

Return to me
Says the Lord
Let me love you once again

In repentance and rest
Is your salvation
In quietness and trust
Is your strength

I hope you will sit with the song, listen to it more than once and open your heart and mind to God’s love for you, His Bride. Can you envision yourself as the Bride of Christ? He longs for our fellowship with Him. If you wonder about the image of a Bride consider reviewing these verses.

The Trinity desires intimacy with us just as a bride and groom are intimate with each other. Jesus literally wants to ‘walk with us and talk with us’ as we journey through this life. Preparations are being made to take us to His side in the next.

I pray you will find rest in with the Groom now, in this time and place. I pray you will carry a reminder that you can enter that rest at any time. Choose to stay there. Do not fulfill that last part of Isaiah 30:15 NRSVA “but you refused.”

There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience. Hebrews 4:9-11

Posted on in Aging, Faith, Family, Humor, Just do it, Memories, Prayer, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth

A few friends at the end

I purposefully began this blog with a photo of Mother Eva Mary who helped found the Convent of the Transfiguration where I am an Associate. Since one of their principles is cheerfulness, I believe she would have liked the prayer below.

We found this among my mother’s things after she died. She copied it from Reader’s Digest! Evidently, it was written by a Mother Superior who wished to be anonymous. I shared it in a group recently and had such a positive response I thought the blog readers might enjoy it also!

Lord, Thou knowest better than I myself that I am growing older, and will some day be old.

Keep me from getting talkative, and particularly from the fatal habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and on every occasion.

Release me from craving to try to straighten our everybody’s affairs.

Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details. Give me wings to get to the point.

I ask for grace enough to listen to the tales of others’ pains. Help me to endure them with patience. But seal my lips on my own aches and pains. They are increasing and my love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by.

Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally it is possible that I may be mistaken.

Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not want to be a saint … some of them are so hard to live with… but a sour old person is one of the crowning works of the devil.

Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, but Thou knowest, Lord, that I want a few friends at the end.

Oh yes, You know Lord that I want at least a few friends in the end! Keep laughing, especially at yourself.

Posted on in Aging, Faith, Memories, Poetry, Trust, Yield

Cleaning Out a Drawer

I came across an old tract printed by the Faith, Prayer & Tract League. Looking them up online to see if they still exist, the site https://www.causeiq.com/organizations/faith-prayer-and-tract-league,381580500/ says

Faith Prayer and Tract League is a religious organization that focuses on the distribution of religious tracts throughout North America, the Far East, and Europe. The organization was founded with the mission of providing people with religious materials that would help them grow in their faith. The group has been successful in distributing over 60 million religious tracts throughout the world. The organization is headquartered in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

When you go to “The Tract League” it seems as if most of the activity is now centered in India.

Many years ago it was popular in Ohio to print this poem and attached a few woven threads to it.

The poem The Weaver

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me,
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.

Ofttimes He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I, the underside.

Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
-Grant Colfax Tullar

I think this bears remembering! I often say, “God knows! But He is not telling!” I understand that in the end He will explain everything. Hold to that hope, my friend.