With another holiday this week it is unlikely I will get all 5 posts for the week written. I am recovering from the nasty cold that is circulating in our area. Already had to cancel my participation in two things due to illness! Trying to stay focused on the Lord and hold all things loosely.
So may your New Year holiday be wonderful. May you celebrate the 12 days of Christmas in holy fashion. (They continue until the Feast of the Epiphany, Monday January 6, 2025, when the Kings possibly arrived to meet Jesus.)
Were there 3 kings or 2? We might never know details this side of heaven. Stories, art work, number of gifts presented to Jesus all cloud things. I just embrace that they too worshiped my King Jesus! (Matthew 2.)
In the meanwhile, I will hopefully be well enough to bake gingerbread cut outs with the Grandgirls, get some decorations taken down and be healed! All prayers appreciated.
We have had a terrible cold going through our household. It is complete with all the nasty symptoms you never want to have from nose to throat to chest to headache to chills, no fever,etc. I find these times especially challenging. I do not know how to keep my primary focus upon God under these circumstances. I had one religious wise guy once ask “What are you doing under the circumstances?” Another groan for Christianity.
Never one, usually 5-6 tissues!
At the end of his life Saint Francis is quoted as saying, “I wish I had been more kind to Brother Ass.” That was his name for his own body.
I want to live from the inside out, Always within the center-down silence. Having to struggle to get back to within Is not the direction I choose.
Teach me, Lord, and help to know how to grow from the peaceful Sanctuary within.
Show me please where I can go to refresh our love. Give me attitudes that will unravel me from the sin which so easily entangles.
Make me one with You, Lord, so I will know how to be close to all that is around me.
Help me, Father and be glorified in my life.
So I suppose part of the answer is that Jesus differs so much from me because my body can still be subject to sickness? I do not have an explanation for why humans are so mightily distracted by illness in the physical body. If anyone figures this out, please let me know!
Until then I still long to live from the inside out, in contrast to coughing my blowing my insides out! Stay well, y’all!
If I do not keep a steady glucose reading through the night, the Continuous Glucose Monitor wakes us up with an alarm if my glucose drops too low. Doc says low glucose is more detrimental than high glucose if not addressed.
Did I tell you I have found an 85% successful method to keep my glucose steady through the night? I eat an under-ripe banana, smeared with reconstituted powdered peanut butter. On occasion I even top it with Breyer’s frozen dessert which has very low carbs. The photo below sort of describes how I am feeling after many months of doing this!
My bananas look beat up like her head after being the fridge!
When I have no appetite I tell myself this is just part of my medication routine. Eat the banana and be glad. So with the Minions I cry, “BANANA!!”
Thank you, Lord, for under ripe bananas to treat this disease. It sure beats another needle!
Perhaps in the opening photo you noticed the hand on my dashboard? I cannot remember if I posted this story previously or not. If I did you still might want to read this as I finally located the complete story online.
When our kids were young teenagers I bought a dismembered hand at a Halloween store for my own object lesson. The hand I bought then was very flexible. I cut the “blood” off the cuff and placed it on the dashboard to remind me to hold the children loosely. They thought it was hilarious as every time we hit a bump the fingers would vibrate and bounce. No idea where that hand is today, but I needed another one this autumn.
I started by shopping at the original shop where I had bought it. No such thing. The one they asked to be sent from the downtown location was not right and too bloody. Shop keeper assured me they could sell it.
Finally found something similar on Amazon and had it sent to the house. Cut the blood off the cuff. It is not as bouncy but still holds the same message.
Recently I was in anguish seeking wisdom from the Lord. On the way to our trysting location I heard I should try Chuck Swindoll. Originally I had read the object lesson in a book of daily devotions compiled from his teachings. Have absolutely no idea what that book was called. Sure enough the example was available online. I do not think I ever read his entire telling of it.
Here goes: Shortly before her death, Corrie ten Boom attended our church in Southern California. Following the worship service, I met briefly with her, anxious to express my wife’s and my love and respect for her faithful example. She inquired about my family . . . how many children, their ages—that sort of thing. She detected my great love for each one and very tenderly admonished me to be careful not to hold on to them too tightly. Cupping her wrinkled hands in front of me, she passed on a statement of advice I’ll never forget. I can still recall that strong Dutch accent: “Pastor Swindoll, you must learn to hold everything loosely … everything. Even your dear family. Why? Because the Father may wish to take one of them back to Himself, and when He does, it will hurt you if He must pry your fingers loose.” And then, having tightened her hands together while saying all that, she slowly opened them and smiled so kindly as she added, “Remember … hold everything loosely … everything” In the back of my mind I can still hear her words.
I retained “Hold everything loosely, because the Father may wish to change things and it will hurt you if He must pry your fingers loose. Hold everything loosely … everything.”
I cannot remember how many times I have shared that lesson. Just this morning I learned that my dear friend from childhood had a terrible report from her husband’s MRI. “It showed metastases to the spine, pelvis and lymph nodes. He has been under the care of a team – urology, oncologist and radiation oncologist for prostate cancer. They were pretty certain it had spread to the bones somewhere but not certain where. Until now it had not shown up on any scans.” On her behalf I am holding her husband loosely as I pray for them as a couple walking through this.
Since my husband almost died in 2018 I have rejoiced in every day that I still have with him. I cannot say I have practiced holding him loosely. As the Father has allowed things to change with one family member I have remembered the pain of having my fingers pried loose.
In most circles this is called non-attachment. I find it especially difficult to do in regards to family members and those we love dearly.
So the hand remains on my dashboard. I pray that you, too, will able to open your hands and hold all things loosely. Corrie ten Boom was a woman of intense wisdom learned through unbelievable suffering and cruelty in the concentration camp in Germany. If you have not read her biography, “The Hiding Place” I encourage you to get it and brace yourself for a telling of the comfort and power of God. It is in print, was made into a movie, and also a play.
The person I have been concerned about is getting treatment. Much to the delight of those who love that person, several different modalities are being used to approach healing. Pray they find the best medication with the least side effects to promote healing. The quote below is true of my situation the last couple of weeks.
Admitting grief does not diminish us, it strengthens us and makes us more compassionate.
TREBBE JOHNSON
I am doing much better with my own mental health after prayer, listening to an Old Testament story in several versions and taking notes on it. Seeing how this story is also direction from the Father as to how I can move forward. Talking with a compassionate friend has also helped. This has not been an easy 2 weeks, but there is light at the end of the tunnel and it is not a freight train!
May you have the courage to admit your own grief. May you find the strength in that admission. May you be willing to do the work necessary to create a deeper compassion within you.
i foudn the photo above from our collected photos. It reminds me of a winged cloud. Before leaving on retreat I posted on Facebook Psalms 69:20 insults have broken my heart, so that I am in despair. I added the sometimes used phrase “But God…” leaving open the door for God to touch and change me, a reversal of usually negative consequences I might dream up. Then I left for retreat hoping to silence the compulsive thoughts and worries, focus on the Living Christ.
In her book, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach I learned the following
As we lean into our experience of the moment – releasing our stories and gently holding our pain or desire – Radical Acceptance begins to unfold. The two parts of genuine acceptance – seeing clearly and holding our experience with compassion – are as interdependent as the two wings of a great bird. Together. They enable us to fly and be free.
SEEING CLEARLY
HOLDING OUR EXPERIENCE WITH COMPASSION
How did I forget this lesson? I had worked hard 5 years ago studying the book, writing out the phrases that helped me the most, trying to keep the concepts before me. So I once again needed to revisit the wisdom on how to cope with this upset. I wrote pages about how I was feeling. I moved towards holding my experience with compassion but not allowing myself to enter the slimy bog of self-pity. That was work indeed!
I learned the person had checked themselves out of the hospital. Within a few hours I received an apology text. The next day I received another apology text. I sat with my feelings, trying to see them clearly, realizing a text or two would not heal the deep wounds. I held that personal experience with compassion and began to let it go. The wounding no longer held the immensity of a riptide or a massive storm surge, yet neither was it gone. There will come a time the pattern of wounding needs be addressed with the person.
Tara teaches that acceptance and compassion are like 2 wings of a great bird. After typing out notes from her book I told the Lord I need a bird to sit before me to remind me throughout the rest of the retreat to hold those two things for myself. Earlier I had visited the Convent bookstore and as I reached for a book on a shelf I broke an item. I immediately bought the item and said I would repair it for myself. An hour later I wondered where I could get glue, in silence, at the convent?!
Since it was Friday afternoon and silence had not yet begun, I was typing my notes at a Starbucks. After finishing my coffee I remembered that two blocks away was a Walmart. So I went there in search of superglue. When I got back to my room I smacked my head as I remembered the glue was to repair the tiny china bird I had broken. With a few attempts I was finally able to get its tail glued back on in the right position. Yes, stress was certainly playing a number on my brain since I did not remember I already HAD a bird!
So this Buddhist psychologist has helped me more than once to embrace the truth of Christ and move from what felt like devastating emotions to a place of equilibrium and calm. A calm that can only come in my experience from the Living God Who promises to never leave me or forsake me. A Risen Lord who promises to stay with me to the very end of the age. (Deuteronomy 31:6, Matthew 28:20)
From Gratitude daily quotes I read this:
If we begin to get in touch with whatever we feel with some kind of kindness, our protective shells will melt, and we’ll find that more areas of our lives are workable.
PEMA CHÖDRÖN
Some people do not think as Christians that we can glean wisdom from other faiths, but I disagree. The woman above is yet another Buddhist and she has helped me in a few areas that seemed blocked with emotions and unmovable. Yet here, she echoed what I had been working on. Kindness towards what I have been feeling and getting to a place where that area is more workable.
I thank my God for all the ways He reaches and touches me bringing me closer to Him and the offer of wholeness and holiness. Praise His Name forevermore.
There is no better explanation {of acceptance} than Jon Kabat-Zinn’s in “Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World Through Mindfulness”:
“Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is — especially when you don’t like it — and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed.” (p.407)
In other words, desiring the world to be something it is not at the moment, is stopped, and ruminating thoughts about how things “should be” are put aside. Then, you can change what can be changed.
Struggling with this mental illness that has reared its ugly head again, I find myself nose to nose with acceptance. Yes, I have been here before, but this episode has been the worst ever. I have put aside rudeness and personal insults for years. This month hit me hard. Perhaps it is all the times the same nonsense has occurred? Scar tissue is weaker than normal tissue. Maybe as I approach age 74 I have just had enough.
Years ago I learned that accepting something does not mean I approve of the thing.
Acceptance ≠ Approval
Some time, some place I bought this card and placed it inside the kitchen cabinet door.
Acceptance doesn’t mean giving in or giving up. It means giving yourself completely to God’s plan for your life, trusting that He always wants what’s best for you, and will help you meet every challenge with courage. For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Acceptance ≠ Approval
So I am trying to do good self-care. I am trying to detach with love. Praying for courage to go forward. Focus upon my life and my needs helps this process. It seems no coincidence that the retreat at Transfiguration coincided with this crisis of mental illness arising again. It helped to talk with another woman who lives on the grounds and has her own experience with mental illness in someone she is close to emotionally. I felt something in me shift when she described her person as “His brain is broken.”
Mindfulness means bringing your brain and emotions to the current moment. Not wishing for something else. We can actually increase our suffering by clinging to what we wish instead of what actually IS.
Another website entitled Break Free from Toxic Relationships pointed out:
Emotional detachment can be a challenging but necessary process for your personal growth and well-being. It’s an important step towards untangling yourself from toxic relationships that rob you of joy and ruin your mental health.
While challenging, emotionally detaching paves the way to healing and fulfilling relationships and is worth the effort. If you have trouble disengaging from a toxic individual, seek professional help.
≠
My pockets, my wallet, by house are now scattered with the DOES NOT EQUAL symbol. ≠
No, I do not approve of what is happening. However, I must accept it all the same. I will with God’s help. “Accept the things I cannot change.”
I am often prepared for how to pray while reading Christian novels. A recent one had this simple prayer line.
The author of the Mountain Series wrote, “Lord, protect her. Do what I can’t.”
I adapt the prayer saying, “Lord, protect them. Do what I can’t.”
I took a walk after writing yesterday’s entry. That is when I remembered the novel and the line I copied. The Mountain Series by Misty M. Beller is full of such simple prayers. I read these, copy and paste them in my electronic notes knowing I will need them later. She seems to write this sort of prayer every time her character realizes they have moved away from trusting God and then the character returns with a simple declaration of faith.
So Monday morning, walking and trying to clear my brain for another blog entry, I prayed the above prayer and am writing it to each of you. “Lord, protect. Do what I cannot.” Brother Lawrence tells us that useless thoughts spoil everything and much mischief starts there…exact quote from the book of his letters is next.
“That useless thoughts spoil all: that the mischief began there; but that we ought to reject them, as soon as we perceived their impertinence to the matter in hand, or our salvation; and return to our communion with GOD.”
Words that bring life and repel darkness. Certainly easy to read and type. SO much harder to put into practice. Mental illness is so painful for the family members to watch. We get dragged into it when words or texts are flying with untrue accusations, most of which will never receive an apology. What does one do with those wounds?
I cannot tell you what years and years of this accomplishes. At the end of that first day this is how I felt.
Hollow watermelon with empty rind
Empty, hollow, almost unable to form a coherent sentence. Wondering what positive impact my life has ever made in this person and these situations.
I was reminded that the last response I made to a hurtful text was, “You are hurting all the ones who love you the most.” The response seemed to be hugely sarcastic, “Thanks for the advice.” Then crickets.
Perhaps there was an impact from my words. Maybe a glimmer of light broke through from the Lord’s hand? God knows. I learned later that shortly thereafter, things began to turn around for the better.
I went to sleep asking the Lord to help me rest and not obsess over all that had been said and done not only that day, but over the weeks, over the years leading up to this event.
I was truly amazed when I awoke the next morning and realized I had slept all the way through the night.
I am reminded as I write this that my mother once made pickled watermelon rinds.
Tasty, but they seemed WAY too sweet to me!
So perhaps that is my guidance. Take the words and the hurt and the anguish. Clean down to the rind. Cook it is the forgiveness of Christ adding the sweetness of His Presence. Serve it up as an offering on his banqueting table?
This is not an easy entry to compose, but I sense a call to be transparent. Perhaps someone else might be encouraged if they too are struggling?
If you follow this blog you might remember I have had a peculiar pain in my left hip for the past year. The internist ordered an X-ray and they results were simply arthritis. This is a new to me arthritic pain. I am already on ,medications to alleviate the chronic pain that I suffer. The meds were not touching this one. Sometimes I would walk the dog, get halfway down the street and fear I might not make it home unless I called Bob to come get me. Have not had to do that yet, but it was THAT much pain.
When I saw the pain specialist he suggested an epidural much like I have had in the past for pain on my right side. It did not alleviate the pain. Then there was the procedure I call the nerve cooker. First Medicare insisted on 2 trial injections of Novocaine to ascertain if position was correct and if the procedure worked. The relief lasted 45 minutes to 2-1/2 hours. It was determined that the nerve cooker would work. I had the Medial Branch radio frequency nerve ablation and I looked forward to months of relief. It came with terrible leg cramps that woke me in the night. Thank goodness I have not had a repeat of the worst one that left me gasping, in pain from hip to hell, but I continue to experience lesser cramps.
The morning of my return appointment I did a centering meditation with Andrew Johnson on Insight Timer. I had moved into a place during meditation of seeing Jesus holding me while I floated in water. He literally upheld me. I remembered snippets of a song by Christy Nockles.
I saw the doctor later that day. It is final. The procedure did not work. The medical option did not prove to be helpful. In fact, it caused those unrelenting leg cramps. That left me at the bottom of the pit emotionally. The pain specialist said there was one more nerve block he could try. I asked didn’t we already do that? He said this was a different one. Or he could refer me to a back surgeon. He said even then he was not certain my ruptured discs were bad enough to warrant surgery. I recoiled. No one WANTS back surgery. But he gave me the name of a surgeon at Anderson Mercy.
I had asked myself, “What would my grandparents have done?” The answer was live with it. So I am trying to embrace my own prayer more fully. The prayer that goes,
I have determined that this day,
each time I am drawn up short by pain,
I will praise You
for I love You better than life -
even better than quality of life.
On way home from surgeon I just wanted to weep at the prospect of more pain. I wanted a double dip peanut butter chocolate chip sundae with hot fudge and peanut butter topping for lunch. Being a conscientious diabetic I could not bring myself to stop at the UDF I passed on the way home. I just keep driving. Then I thought about having a vodka gimlet or two. Nope, did not do that either. My eyes kept overflowing with disappointment.
After trying to rest during the afternoon (and failing to sleep) I found the Christy Nockles song that I could not place that morning. I put it on replay, continuously for a couple hours, asking the truth to reside in my soul.
I still want to cry hearing the wondrous lyrics that hold His truth. “So just be held, be held, He holds you.” I know that none of this was a surprise to the Savior. He was not startled or taken aback that the procedure did not work. He knows and understands the pain I experience.
Dinner came and went. I was not much improved; however, I had the hope of that song to cling to. This is installment one of how I am coping. Tomorrow I will share how a TV sermon touched my heart.
The nerve ablation does not seem to be working. I am having back pain again daily. The ablation also caused some startling leg cramps and spasms. I will not repeat the procedure.
Time to ‘learn to live with it.” Keep asking myself what my Grandparents did with these issues. Just because we have some medical advances that does not mean I have to avail myself of those repeatedly. Especially when one does not work and causes painful side effects. Older adults are learning that yes, just about every medication and procedure comes with possible side effects. Those fast talking ads should pronounce slowly “Proceed with caution!“
Marijuana is now legal in Ohio. Recently when I was out in the backyard taking photos of the garden, I smelled that distinct odor of “Whacky Tobaccy.” Yuck. It was bad enough when cigarette smoked drifted over from the neighbor. With the breeze I likely will never know where the odor is coming from. All I do know is it is legal here now.
Wearing the new orthotics in my shoes longer each day. Yesterday I forgot to add the silicone toe covers for the big toes. This morning have a honking huge blister. Here we go again. Guess new shoes is the next step?
Disintegration of the body never ends until the very end when we receive our promised new body.
Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4: 1,7-9, 16-18 NIV
Treasures in Plain Sight, A Christian Blog 