The person I have been concerned about is getting treatment. Much to the delight of those who love that person, several different modalities are being used to approach healing. Pray they find the best medication with the least side effects to promote healing. The quote below is true of my situation the last couple of weeks.
Admitting grief does not diminish us, it strengthens us and makes us more compassionate.
TREBBE JOHNSON
I am doing much better with my own mental health after prayer, listening to an Old Testament story in several versions and taking notes on it. Seeing how this story is also direction from the Father as to how I can move forward. Talking with a compassionate friend has also helped. This has not been an easy 2 weeks, but there is light at the end of the tunnel and it is not a freight train!
May you have the courage to admit your own grief. May you find the strength in that admission. May you be willing to do the work necessary to create a deeper compassion within you.
i foudn the photo above from our collected photos. It reminds me of a winged cloud. Before leaving on retreat I posted on Facebook Psalms 69:20 insults have broken my heart, so that I am in despair. I added the sometimes used phrase “But God…” leaving open the door for God to touch and change me, a reversal of usually negative consequences I might dream up. Then I left for retreat hoping to silence the compulsive thoughts and worries, focus on the Living Christ.
In her book, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach I learned the following
As we lean into our experience of the moment – releasing our stories and gently holding our pain or desire – Radical Acceptance begins to unfold. The two parts of genuine acceptance – seeing clearly and holding our experience with compassion – are as interdependent as the two wings of a great bird. Together. They enable us to fly and be free.
SEEING CLEARLY
HOLDING OUR EXPERIENCE WITH COMPASSION
How did I forget this lesson? I had worked hard 5 years ago studying the book, writing out the phrases that helped me the most, trying to keep the concepts before me. So I once again needed to revisit the wisdom on how to cope with this upset. I wrote pages about how I was feeling. I moved towards holding my experience with compassion but not allowing myself to enter the slimy bog of self-pity. That was work indeed!
I learned the person had checked themselves out of the hospital. Within a few hours I received an apology text. The next day I received another apology text. I sat with my feelings, trying to see them clearly, realizing a text or two would not heal the deep wounds. I held that personal experience with compassion and began to let it go. The wounding no longer held the immensity of a riptide or a massive storm surge, yet neither was it gone. There will come a time the pattern of wounding needs be addressed with the person.
Tara teaches that acceptance and compassion are like 2 wings of a great bird. After typing out notes from her book I told the Lord I need a bird to sit before me to remind me throughout the rest of the retreat to hold those two things for myself. Earlier I had visited the Convent bookstore and as I reached for a book on a shelf I broke an item. I immediately bought the item and said I would repair it for myself. An hour later I wondered where I could get glue, in silence, at the convent?!
Since it was Friday afternoon and silence had not yet begun, I was typing my notes at a Starbucks. After finishing my coffee I remembered that two blocks away was a Walmart. So I went there in search of superglue. When I got back to my room I smacked my head as I remembered the glue was to repair the tiny china bird I had broken. With a few attempts I was finally able to get its tail glued back on in the right position. Yes, stress was certainly playing a number on my brain since I did not remember I already HAD a bird!
So this Buddhist psychologist has helped me more than once to embrace the truth of Christ and move from what felt like devastating emotions to a place of equilibrium and calm. A calm that can only come in my experience from the Living God Who promises to never leave me or forsake me. A Risen Lord who promises to stay with me to the very end of the age. (Deuteronomy 31:6, Matthew 28:20)
From Gratitude daily quotes I read this:
If we begin to get in touch with whatever we feel with some kind of kindness, our protective shells will melt, and we’ll find that more areas of our lives are workable.
PEMA CHÖDRÖN
Some people do not think as Christians that we can glean wisdom from other faiths, but I disagree. The woman above is yet another Buddhist and she has helped me in a few areas that seemed blocked with emotions and unmovable. Yet here, she echoed what I had been working on. Kindness towards what I have been feeling and getting to a place where that area is more workable.
I thank my God for all the ways He reaches and touches me bringing me closer to Him and the offer of wholeness and holiness. Praise His Name forevermore.
There is no better explanation {of acceptance} than Jon Kabat-Zinn’s in “Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World Through Mindfulness”:
“Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is — especially when you don’t like it — and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed.” (p.407)
In other words, desiring the world to be something it is not at the moment, is stopped, and ruminating thoughts about how things “should be” are put aside. Then, you can change what can be changed.
Struggling with this mental illness that has reared its ugly head again, I find myself nose to nose with acceptance. Yes, I have been here before, but this episode has been the worst ever. I have put aside rudeness and personal insults for years. This month hit me hard. Perhaps it is all the times the same nonsense has occurred? Scar tissue is weaker than normal tissue. Maybe as I approach age 74 I have just had enough.
Years ago I learned that accepting something does not mean I approve of the thing.
Acceptance ≠ Approval
Some time, some place I bought this card and placed it inside the kitchen cabinet door.
Acceptance doesn’t mean giving in or giving up. It means giving yourself completely to God’s plan for your life, trusting that He always wants what’s best for you, and will help you meet every challenge with courage. For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Acceptance ≠ Approval
So I am trying to do good self-care. I am trying to detach with love. Praying for courage to go forward. Focus upon my life and my needs helps this process. It seems no coincidence that the retreat at Transfiguration coincided with this crisis of mental illness arising again. It helped to talk with another woman who lives on the grounds and has her own experience with mental illness in someone she is close to emotionally. I felt something in me shift when she described her person as “His brain is broken.”
Mindfulness means bringing your brain and emotions to the current moment. Not wishing for something else. We can actually increase our suffering by clinging to what we wish instead of what actually IS.
Another website entitled Break Free from Toxic Relationships pointed out:
Emotional detachment can be a challenging but necessary process for your personal growth and well-being. It’s an important step towards untangling yourself from toxic relationships that rob you of joy and ruin your mental health.
While challenging, emotionally detaching paves the way to healing and fulfilling relationships and is worth the effort. If you have trouble disengaging from a toxic individual, seek professional help.
≠
My pockets, my wallet, by house are now scattered with the DOES NOT EQUAL symbol. ≠
No, I do not approve of what is happening. However, I must accept it all the same. I will with God’s help. “Accept the things I cannot change.”
I am often prepared for how to pray while reading Christian novels. A recent one had this simple prayer line.
The author of the Mountain Series wrote, “Lord, protect her. Do what I can’t.”
I adapt the prayer saying, “Lord, protect them. Do what I can’t.”
I took a walk after writing yesterday’s entry. That is when I remembered the novel and the line I copied. The Mountain Series by Misty M. Beller is full of such simple prayers. I read these, copy and paste them in my electronic notes knowing I will need them later. She seems to write this sort of prayer every time her character realizes they have moved away from trusting God and then the character returns with a simple declaration of faith.
So Monday morning, walking and trying to clear my brain for another blog entry, I prayed the above prayer and am writing it to each of you. “Lord, protect. Do what I cannot.” Brother Lawrence tells us that useless thoughts spoil everything and much mischief starts there…exact quote from the book of his letters is next.
“That useless thoughts spoil all: that the mischief began there; but that we ought to reject them, as soon as we perceived their impertinence to the matter in hand, or our salvation; and return to our communion with GOD.”
Words that bring life and repel darkness. Certainly easy to read and type. SO much harder to put into practice. Mental illness is so painful for the family members to watch. We get dragged into it when words or texts are flying with untrue accusations, most of which will never receive an apology. What does one do with those wounds?
I cannot tell you what years and years of this accomplishes. At the end of that first day this is how I felt.
Hollow watermelon with empty rind
Empty, hollow, almost unable to form a coherent sentence. Wondering what positive impact my life has ever made in this person and these situations.
I was reminded that the last response I made to a hurtful text was, “You are hurting all the ones who love you the most.” The response seemed to be hugely sarcastic, “Thanks for the advice.” Then crickets.
Perhaps there was an impact from my words. Maybe a glimmer of light broke through from the Lord’s hand? God knows. I learned later that shortly thereafter, things began to turn around for the better.
I went to sleep asking the Lord to help me rest and not obsess over all that had been said and done not only that day, but over the weeks, over the years leading up to this event.
I was truly amazed when I awoke the next morning and realized I had slept all the way through the night.
I am reminded as I write this that my mother once made pickled watermelon rinds.
Tasty, but they seemed WAY too sweet to me!
So perhaps that is my guidance. Take the words and the hurt and the anguish. Clean down to the rind. Cook it is the forgiveness of Christ adding the sweetness of His Presence. Serve it up as an offering on his banqueting table?
This is not an easy entry to compose, but I sense a call to be transparent. Perhaps someone else might be encouraged if they too are struggling?
If you follow this blog you might remember I have had a peculiar pain in my left hip for the past year. The internist ordered an X-ray and they results were simply arthritis. This is a new to me arthritic pain. I am already on ,medications to alleviate the chronic pain that I suffer. The meds were not touching this one. Sometimes I would walk the dog, get halfway down the street and fear I might not make it home unless I called Bob to come get me. Have not had to do that yet, but it was THAT much pain.
When I saw the pain specialist he suggested an epidural much like I have had in the past for pain on my right side. It did not alleviate the pain. Then there was the procedure I call the nerve cooker. First Medicare insisted on 2 trial injections of Novocaine to ascertain if position was correct and if the procedure worked. The relief lasted 45 minutes to 2-1/2 hours. It was determined that the nerve cooker would work. I had the Medial Branch radio frequency nerve ablation and I looked forward to months of relief. It came with terrible leg cramps that woke me in the night. Thank goodness I have not had a repeat of the worst one that left me gasping, in pain from hip to hell, but I continue to experience lesser cramps.
The morning of my return appointment I did a centering meditation with Andrew Johnson on Insight Timer. I had moved into a place during meditation of seeing Jesus holding me while I floated in water. He literally upheld me. I remembered snippets of a song by Christy Nockles.
I saw the doctor later that day. It is final. The procedure did not work. The medical option did not prove to be helpful. In fact, it caused those unrelenting leg cramps. That left me at the bottom of the pit emotionally. The pain specialist said there was one more nerve block he could try. I asked didn’t we already do that? He said this was a different one. Or he could refer me to a back surgeon. He said even then he was not certain my ruptured discs were bad enough to warrant surgery. I recoiled. No one WANTS back surgery. But he gave me the name of a surgeon at Anderson Mercy.
I had asked myself, “What would my grandparents have done?” The answer was live with it. So I am trying to embrace my own prayer more fully. The prayer that goes,
I have determined that this day,
each time I am drawn up short by pain,
I will praise You
for I love You better than life -
even better than quality of life.
On way home from surgeon I just wanted to weep at the prospect of more pain. I wanted a double dip peanut butter chocolate chip sundae with hot fudge and peanut butter topping for lunch. Being a conscientious diabetic I could not bring myself to stop at the UDF I passed on the way home. I just keep driving. Then I thought about having a vodka gimlet or two. Nope, did not do that either. My eyes kept overflowing with disappointment.
After trying to rest during the afternoon (and failing to sleep) I found the Christy Nockles song that I could not place that morning. I put it on replay, continuously for a couple hours, asking the truth to reside in my soul.
I still want to cry hearing the wondrous lyrics that hold His truth. “So just be held, be held, He holds you.” I know that none of this was a surprise to the Savior. He was not startled or taken aback that the procedure did not work. He knows and understands the pain I experience.
Dinner came and went. I was not much improved; however, I had the hope of that song to cling to. This is installment one of how I am coping. Tomorrow I will share how a TV sermon touched my heart.
The nerve ablation does not seem to be working. I am having back pain again daily. The ablation also caused some startling leg cramps and spasms. I will not repeat the procedure.
Time to ‘learn to live with it.” Keep asking myself what my Grandparents did with these issues. Just because we have some medical advances that does not mean I have to avail myself of those repeatedly. Especially when one does not work and causes painful side effects. Older adults are learning that yes, just about every medication and procedure comes with possible side effects. Those fast talking ads should pronounce slowly “Proceed with caution!“
Marijuana is now legal in Ohio. Recently when I was out in the backyard taking photos of the garden, I smelled that distinct odor of “Whacky Tobaccy.” Yuck. It was bad enough when cigarette smoked drifted over from the neighbor. With the breeze I likely will never know where the odor is coming from. All I do know is it is legal here now.
Wearing the new orthotics in my shoes longer each day. Yesterday I forgot to add the silicone toe covers for the big toes. This morning have a honking huge blister. Here we go again. Guess new shoes is the next step?
Disintegration of the body never ends until the very end when we receive our promised new body.
Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4: 1,7-9, 16-18 NIV
Evidently my glucose has been falling to dangerous levels at night. I only learned this with the use of this continuous glucose monitor. The doctor is concerned about correcting this.
I have taken to eating a strange bedtime dish. Taking an under-ripe banana (lower in sugar) I slice it into a bowl. Using Peanut butter powder (which is lower in fat and carbs than plain peanut butter) I reconstitute the powder with water and coat the bananas. Then I take a small portion of Breyers Carb Smart frozen dessert and put that on top. I keep thinking I am going to get tired of this routine. then I just remind myself it is part of my medication. If my evening glucose is in the low normal range when I eat this it stays low normal through the night. Amazing. The peanut butter chocolate is my favorite flavor, but the store does not always have it in stock. I have used plain chocolate, vanilla and recently bought the neapolitan though I have not tried it yet. I actually began this while on retreat this summer. I knew there was refrigerator/freezer at the facility that we could use for foods. I found the Breyers at Kroger and thought I would give it a try. No, it is not as good as United Dairy Farmers ice cream, but health-wise I can no longer afford UDF ice cream with regularity.
I have found Sam’s club to be my best source for under ripe bananas (and only $1.47 per bunch). I can also find them at Aldi’s but not all of the time. In the past I NEVER would have chosen to eat an under ripe banana. In fact, I liked them ripe and sweet!
Yep, I have brought my A1C value down and still working to get it lower. If you have diabetes, or know someone who is tackling it, you might want to share this idea with them. Here is a quote from https://greatist.com/health/banana-stages-benefits#benefits
Surprisingly, underripe bananas foster (*wink*) a host of positive effects in the body. These banana babies happen to be extremely high in fiber — even higher than ripe bananas. This is because they contain an abundance of a substance called resistant starch.
A 2018 study found that when men who were overweight or had obesity ate more resistant starch at breakfast or lunch, they ate fewer calories at dinner.
“Resistant starch is known for blood sugar control since it is not digested in the small intestine, but rather fermented in the large intestine,” says Amanda Lane, MS, RD, CDCES.
As you know I had my first experience with nerve ablation. I was so grateful for the many people praying for me during this experience.
There was a moment after all the intake questions, blood pressure reading, etc. After the IV was started when there was a space where fear might come in, that I turned to the Father – and there in that moment – it seemed as if I could feel the prayers of my husband, friends, and loved ones. A peace came over me and I submitted to the procedure with a calm. No, it was not pleasurable, but I was able to find the courage to go through with it. Unlike some procedures I did not even shed a tear this time. I am so grateful to know how to do La Maze breathing when I must have something painful done to me.
The procedure did not take as long as the internet reported. The Versed they administered through the IV did help keep me calm. I woke up the same morning with a pounding headache that has hounded me all day long. Even Versed did not knock it down!
When we got home I could barely stay awake. Went to bed uncertain how to even get comfortable as right shoulder is still painful after January surgery and the hip ablation was on the left side. Some how I finally fell asleep for a while. Got up for a few moments and back to bed again with ice pack.
When I finally got up for the afternoon I was trying to stay calm and be nice to my loving husband. Inside though I was all ruffled and agitated. After I finally landed in my chair, I could not reach the TV remote, but remembered I could listen to a sermon or podcast to help distract me while I crocheted. The Lord was waiting there, too!
This sermon is about 30 minutes long, but it was just exactly what I needed to hear. Jordan Rice addresses the question”Is your life harder than you expected it to be?” by studying Psalm 27 and he stresses our methods of coping using denial, delusion, distraction and determination.
He presents not only a fresh model of praying using: ACTS = adoration, confession, thanksgiving and supplication. He also leads his congregation in a sample of this method.
Verse 1 turned my attention to the fact that indeed God was with me during the radio frequency ablation. I was surprised when they applied a pad to my right thigh to “ground me” for the radio frequency. Rather like being in some sci-fi procedure!
The sermon touched me deeply. I pray it is a blessing you, too. Whatever is going on in your circumstances, I believe this will apply to you.
My back is still sore (to be expected). We are all praying this will kill pain in my hip. If it does, then when the nerve grows back in a few months they can perform the procedure again. If there is a next time I will hopefully be more brave!
About a week ago I awoke from an afternoon nap with portions of this song resounding in my head. It took me a while, but with the help of the internet I located the song. I have the CD from years ago and it had been a very long time since I heard it. I just love how the Holy Spirit can bring things back to our remembrance! I was greatly comforted by the lyrics.
Here is another recording of the same song from the Everglades correctional institution in Miami, FL. It has come familiar Christian refrains at the end.
Last week I went to a meeting. My friend who is 87 has recently had chemo and radiation. She just learned the cancer is not gone. Awaiting word from doctor if there is a medication she can take to mitigate the spread. There is a surgery, but doctor is afraid she would not survive that.
Then met a friend for lunch. Towards the end of our lunch she told me her husband is suffering again from the mental illness that plagued him earlier in life. He spent one week in a hospital and then checked himself out against doctors wishes. He has not adapted well to life at home. She cannot sleep as he roams the house all hours of the night.
Same day I saw a familiar face at the grocery. As we passed a second time I stopped and said I know I should know you but cannot think of your name. She said, “Me too!” We reminded each other of our names. She had recently suffered from breast cancer. Finished her treatments and was fine. Then last Easter she began vomiting and could not stop. At the hospital they did a CT Scan and found a mass on her pancreas. When I saw her at the store she was wearing a chemo head cover. My heart just sank. Her husband had a terrible mouth and tongue cancer a few years ago. He has recovered, but oh, now this!
Then my 81 year old cousin called to let me know she is at her daughter’s house recovering from a broken hip. At least a neighbor found her quickly and the neighbors are all taking care of her house and her mail while she is at the daughter’s house in another town.
I have told you about my illnesses and medical challenges. I also know we each have our own brokenness and sufferings. I learned years ago it is not good to compare my pain to someone else’s. We cannot know what goes on in another persons body and mind. It is not good to diminish our own problems by looking at other people and telling ourselves, “It’s not that bad,” when in fact for you personally, things can be bad.
Baby Francesca, you might remember, was born with a heart defect. I asked you to pray for her almost a year ago. She was in the hospital for almost a full year before a heart transplant came through. She had a very long surgery, but I am happy to report she is home now and doing well!
My friend’s husband was eventually readmitted to the hospital. Pray he cooperates with his treatment.
So what about your pain, my pain? Our personal pain and suffering is valid because it is ours. My pain does not compare to yours because only you can know what your pain does to you. We must learn to respect the suffering of others and also respect ourselves and what we suffer.
The revisionary surgery the doc wants to do on my toe sounds awful and painful, but the recovery of no weight bearing for 8 weeks is just as awful as the procedure itself. We do not struggle with cancer though I know a little bit about the pain of living with mental illness, but that is not in my marriage or my husband. I have never had a child with a life threatening heart condition. I can barely comprehend the joy of having that child healed, restored and released to my home. So far, Bob and I have not had to face cancer or its treatment in our later years of life. A hip fracture might be in my future or my husband’s, but not so far. Does that diminish what I might have to face?
Patience and empathy with one another is necessary. Kindness and offering help to others is what the Gospel calls us to do. How can you be Jesus with feet and hands to those around you who suffer?
We are also taught to be gentle with ourselves. If I have no grace for my own suffering then how authentic will my compassion be for others? Scripture says to “Love your neighbor AS yourself.” (Leviticus 19:18, Matthew 19:19, 22:39, Mark, Luke, Romans, Galatians and James) James calls it the royal law. James 2:8 NIV
Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves.
Here I add {We have not loved ourselves as You want us to.}
We are truly sorry and we humbly repent. For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and forgive us; that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name. Amen.BCP Post Communion Prayer
God made you and He loves you;therefore who are you to not love and cherish yourself. I am not talking about selfishness here. I am stressing self-care.
How are you at this skill? I encourage you to pray for those around you who are suffering. I also challenge you to touch the deep places of your soul to make certain you are doing your best to recognize your own needs. If you need prayer ask for it. Spend time with the Lord of your heart to learn about areas you may have neglected. Make certain you are transparent with yourself and with God. He loves you dearly, and expects no less from you towards yourself and your various struggles.
Trust Him to lead you in all paths of righteousness.
I made it to all 3 doctor appointments and the GOOD news is, with hard work I have brought my A1C glucose reading down from 7.2 to 6.5. Whew! More points to go if I want to get off some of the diabetic medications.
Hard work and Continuous Glucose Monitor PAYOFF!
Now for the other news. August 19 I see the Pain Specialist for the radio frequency ablation of nerve in my hip. They will administer sedation but I will need to have feeling so doctor can tell if the needle is in the right place. Ugh. I am not looking forward to this. You can see details about how they do it on YouTube, which I chose not to watch. Just enter “Radio Frequency Ablation” and various videos will pop up. The one I did listen to is just information from a Penn State nurse https://youtu.be/zvH1oNpaHHY?si=YP90KoHFXY4yBn9p
Then for more bad news. To correct my toe with the loose screws the only option is surgery. The procedure would be more complicated this time than it was 5 years ago. He would have to take out all the hardware as the bone has calcified over most of it.
For right now I will get new orthotics on August 26. With the new orthotics I will try walking in an enclosed shoe after the many blister sites heal. They will then decide if I need new shoes. If there is no improvement, the doctor might want to do surgery sooner rather than later. For now, I have time to decide when. Yes, it would require 8 weeks on knee roller again, no weight bearing. When he told me I thought I might puke. The last surgery, after 6 weeks, I was ready to hurt the surgeon. I am 5 years older now and not at all eager to take this on.
I believe eventually the plate and screws that are in there will have to be removed. Next time for repair he would use 2 plates and more screws. He would also shorten the tendon in toe next to great toe. I asked how he would do that. Did not like that answer either. He would snip the tendon. WHAT?!?!?
I keep wondering, “What if I just don’t have it done?”
Stephanie Gretzinger’s song keeps running through my head.
Treasures in Plain Sight, A Christian Blog 