Category: Memories

Posted on in Aging, Faith, Illness and Health, medical treatment, Memories, Trust

1954 to Now – Part Two

I have no memory of the doctor or a tech taking me out of the cast. I do not remember any kind of physical therapy. I do remember the doctor talking with my mother about fears that one leg would be shorter than the other.

After the hospital I had anxiety about doctors and needles. My parents could not tell me about a doctor’s appointment the night before as I would get almost hysterical. Eventually I outgrew the fear. Though to this day I have to psych myself up a bit when there is a needle involved in medical treatment.

Years later while on a retreat I learned that the nuns serving at Good Samaritan Hospital were from the Sisters of Charity convent in Delhi.  As an adult I thanked them for comforting this child.

About 1954
Current day

My legs grew to the same length. Dr. McMath did a grand job caring for me. Sadly, my father died of heart disease when I was eleven years old. There were no treatments for heart disease in 1961. I never knew him as a man, just Daddy.

I never tried Double Dutch jump rope again. In fact, I have never been inclined to athletic activity. Hated gym class in elementary school. The Double Dutch jump rope incident stole all my confidence. My sister and I were most often unsupervised in our play activities. One day we were playing the garage and found my dad’s ladders for painting.  I developed a fear of heights after a ladder slid down a wall while I was sitting on it. Landed hard on the concrete floor. Amazing now that I did not break my fingers where I was holding on. No one had ever had a need to teach me then that a ladder must be anchored before being used.

I find it amazing how our childhood experiences shape us as people. I married a kind man who became a medical technologist. This is the person in a hospital laboratory who can draw your blood and test any fluid that you can put out. In the beginning of our marriage, we were once sitting in a movie theater, and he was feeling the vein in my elbow. Freaked me out. He explained the need to practice. I calmed down. Now I am faced with needles daily: lancets, insulin needles, wearing a continuous glucose monitor, monthly drug injections.

After playing with the ladders, I still dislike heights. When we took our children to the CN Tower in Toronto we went to the observation deck. It is 113 floors above the ground and has a glass floor. I was holding on to the wall around the elevator as I walked around the observation deck. The children were laughing at me. As I walked, I came upon a woman crawling on the floor. Guess it could have been worse! Nope. Heights are not my thing!

From childhood trauma to needle fears then married to a Lab man, (They don’t call them blood suckers for nothing!). From Christian educated by the babysitter and dropped off at church to a Christ seeker who became the only Episcopalian in the family of origin. From fear of heights to challenging the fear for the sake of the children and a family vacation memory.

Our childhood impacts us, but not always for the good. Imprints formed during childhood are not washed away by time. Seventy years later they can still affect how I think and feel.

Thanks for reading this long blog.

Posted on in Aging, Faith, Family, Illness and Health, medical treatment, Memories

1954 to Now – Part One

I have been asked to explore some other methods of telling my story besides the blog and poetry. So I have attempted to put a few memories down on paper. This will be a 2 part read since it has many more words than most blog posts ever attempt.

At age three I broke my thigh playing with my sister and her older friends in a neighbor’s driveway. They were doing Double Dutch jump rope where they swing two ropes simultaneously in opposite directions and you jump in on the side of one of the rope turners. (See photo above.) The girls let me try. I broke my leg. Obviously, way too complicated a sport for a 3-year-old.  Someone ran to my house and told mom. She came to get me.

We rode to Good Samaritan hospital from Loveland to Clifton in the car. I was in the back seat. I only remember someone lifted me into the back seat. There were no freeways then. No idea how long it took us to get to Good Samaritan. I was taken to that hospital because my Dad was already admitted there with a heart attack. 

The hospital doctors decided to put my leg in traction for six weeks to heal. I suppose they numbed my leg or more likely put me to sleep when they set my leg?  I have no memory of that. When they put me in traction, I do remember being furious that they put me in diapers. I was so insulted. I was certainly fully potty trained! It was hot and there was no air conditioning. My long dark hair was cut off in a short choppy bob. Below is a photo of me in traction, hair cut short and sweating. Once while I was asleep, the staff brought my meal. When I awoke the milk was no longer cold. I loved cold milk. My mother obtained a glass of ice and poured my milk over it. I was so angry. I had never had milk like that. Could be I was a 3-year-old brat? Or simply confused and frustrated at my new situation.

One day during my stay they rolled my bed into the room where my dad was a patient. It was such an unusual situation for a young child. I do remember he talked with me and our hands touching.

Someone came to visit and brought me a white stuffed dog that I named Casey. He had a metal nose (which at age 73 I still have). His ears seemed to be made from real fur, sort of like a curly tanned hide. The rest of him was a stuffed white dog shape. Someone else brought me Brach’s cream filled Royal caramel rolls in a metal can. To this day I use that can for candy. Once I saw the same can used as a prop in a movie!

I do not remember there being a television in my room. I am certain televisions were not standard equipment in 1954. Certainly, no computer tablet to play upon. I might have tried to color, but lying down that would have been difficult! Hopefully someone read me stories.

After six weeks, my leg was put in a cast. I do remember being alone with the Sisters of Charity when they decided it was time to cast my leg. Somewhere to my side, across the room, there was a sink. Men in white coats came towards me with large white steaming sheets. I had no idea what those were. I was so frightened. Those men began to wrap my leg in the warm plaster preparation. The nuns comforted me. I left that hospital wanting to be a nun. I have no idea where my mother was during the casting. Perhaps she was not allowed in the treatment room? Maybe she was with my dad in the cardiac unit? All I do know is that the nuns (in full habits) comforted me. I went home in the cast.

I left the hospital wanting to be a nun. My parents bought me a Nun doll for Christmas. I have her tiny rosary in my keepsake cabinet. When I chose to be baptized my mother forbid me to become a Roman Catholic. She said my grandfather, a Methodist minister, would roll over in his grave. I eventually joined the Episcopal church. They came closest to what I felt was true worship. Also, as close as you can get to being a Catholic but without the Pope and such strong emphasis on Mary.

Doll sized rosary on tiny altar to remind me to make a of sacrifice of praise to the Lord our God

It must have been difficult for my mom to care for me, especially while my dad recovered from yet another heart attack. I do know we had a babysitter named Myrtle. Towards the end of her life, she wanted to see my sister and me one more time. She visited us because she was dying of cancer. She gave my sister and me a tiny white New Testament and signed it “Love, Myrt and Gerald.” My first and at times best New Testament! I still have it and use it occasionally.

I have no memory of the doctor or a tech taking me out of the cast. I do not remember any kind of physical therapy. I do remember the doctor talking with my mother about fears that one leg would be shorter than the other.

Part Two on Wednesday will complete the story!

Posted on in Challenge, Faith, Journal, Listen, Memories, Nature, Prayer, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Trust, Yield

Stunned by Truth in This Prayer

One week Lectio 360 was focusing on different ways of knowing the Lord. Below are their words.

I find this is my heart’s cry as I try to write this blog

What I know of God will only be a fraction of who the Holy Trinity is. Oh that I might make clear the little part I have understood during my life!

This is what the Lord says:

“Let not the wise boast of their wisdom
    or the strong boast of their strength
    or the rich boast of their riches,
24 but let the one who boasts boast about this:
    that they have the understanding to know me,
that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,
    justice and righteousness on earth,
    for in these I delight,”
declares the Lord. Jeremiah 9:23-24 NIV

Father, I pray I am using my understanding to know You and the creation You have put before us for discovery of You and delight in Your creation. I pray You will continue to unfold the Scriptures for me. Holy Spirit continue to show and teach me the ways of the Almighty One.

May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. Galatians 6:14 NIV

When Bob lay dying 6 years ago I realized that no one could promise me he would survive the illness or that we would continue our marriage of so many years in the way we had become accustomed. When a woman hits a crossroads like that, for this woman at least, I had to realize that I must crucify my hopes and dreams and let the Lord Almighty have full control.

“I began to approach the situation with stillness but no presumption that I in any way knew the ultimate result. Though I was often unconsciously holding my breath, there was a stillness in me. The stillness came with a peace that I recognized as coming from God. Reporting the day’s events and blood work results to prayer partners via email, without forecasting the next step or event or outcome was about my only “productive” output.

“The stillness was related to Habakkuk 2:20 NRSV “But the Lord is in His holy temple; let all the earth keep silence before Him!” Another prayer that surfaced from the BCP “We do not presume to come to this Thy table trusting in our own righteousness but in Thy manifold and great mercies. We are not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs under Thy table. But Thou are the same Lord whose property is always to have mercy.” (Holy Eucharist 1 P. 337)

“Part of my struggle was yielding to the facts and in stillness letting my wishes die, placing my hope in the plans of the Almighty. I could not see the outcome at all, but I trusted His goodness and His love for both myself and my family. I learned that crucified you must hold perfectly still. Ephesians 3:16 helped me to trust more. “I pray that, according to the riches of His glory, He may grant that you may be strengthened in your inner being with power through His Spirit, and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, as you are being rooted and grounded in love.” I prayed for Bob and our children to be strengthened. I prayed for myself to be strengthened by His Spirit with power penetrating to my innermost being. Yes, crucified you must hold perfectly still. I was not “going” anywhere.

I had to hold still, let go of my wishes and dreams. Let God unfold the future before me. True surrender.

I am His child.

I have only learned a small fraction about Who my God is. I barely know the Trinity. I am willing to continue to learn. In many ways, I know that the lessons from the not too distant past will carry me to the very end of my days. May Christ be glorified in and through me, I pray.

Posted on in Aging, Book quotes, Faith, Listen, Memories, Praise, Prayer, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Trust, Worship, Yield

Knitting and Hinds Feet

Just before I left for retreat I decided to pick up the knitting I learned a few years ago. I have crocheted for over 50 years. About the time Bob retired I decided I should learn to knit. After all those years of crochet I was able to knit the continental method, but never very well. So I got out my needles and set to work. First thing you need to do to knit is called casting on. I could not remember how to do that! I watched YouTube videos. Did not get it. Asked at the Journey Together In Stitches group at Transfiguration Convent and voila! It came back to me with a little help from my friend Bonnie! “Slingshot method”

It can be difficult on a week-long silent retreat to stay quiet and listen. I know the Lord has spoken to me before while crocheting and doing hand work. I wondered how to keep my brain from taking off down unnecessary thought paths.

This is the cover of the first copy I purchased.

About 1997 I had read a book entitled Hinds Feet on High Places, A Christian Allegory.

The book impacted me so much that I gave away every paperback copy that I ever purchased. I finally found it in hardback and made my self buy it so I would keep it. The book is so chock full of Scripture and I delighted in finding the references to each one that I recognized. I wrote my notes in the front of the book. A few years after that a group of us were interested in the story as a study. There was no such thing in the Christian resource world. So I wrote a group study based on the text.

On retreat, I went to my computer link to the library wondering, hoping, they might have an audio version of the book? They not only had one, it was available! The recording is about 5-1/2 hours long. I spent some of the retreat knitting and listening to this wonderful book.

I remembered when I first read it and the Lord was teaching me some of the lessons He gave to Much-Afraid. Her first letter of the alphabet “Acceptance with Joy.”

Where the water drops fell one by one, there grew the little golden flower, though where the seed had come from, Much-Afraid could not imagine, for there were no birds anywhere and no other growing things….She asked, “What is your name, little flower, for I never saw one like you before.” The tiny plant answered at once in a tone as golden as itself, “Behold me! My name is Acceptance-with-Joy.” At that Much-Afraid decided, “I, too, will look up in to His face and say, “Behold me! I am thy little handmaiden Acceptance-with-Joy.” from H. Hurnard’s book Hinds Feet on High Places.

Can you declare the same thing to Christ? Regardless of what comes your way or how your body chooses to age, can you declare to the Almighty, “Behold me, Acceptance-with Joy?”

I have mastered casting on (for now). I have knit a couple small washcloths. I have remembered that this is what the Good Shepherd asks of me, that I follow Him with Acceptance and Joy. Are you able to pick up this challenge?

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

27 “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! 29 And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30 For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Luke 12:25-31 NIV

Posted on in Aging, Challenge, Faith, Illness and Health, Memories, Prayer, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Thanks, Trust, Worship, Yield

Tiny Brass Chair

Sitting in my prayer chair, waking up the morning of May 31st, I heard this:

Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isaiah 46:4 NIV

The Message of the same verse reads:

“Listen to me, family of Jacob,
    everyone that’s left of the family of Israel.
I’ve been carrying you on my back
    from the day you were born,
And I’ll keep on carrying you when you’re old.
    I’ll be there, bearing you when you’re old and gray.
I’ve done it and will keep on doing it,
    carrying you on my back, saving you.”

Brings to mind the image of refugees or flood victims fleeing and carrying old people on their backs. Proud Americans do not like to think this image is about them, yet we all need God to carry us, regardless of age.

Listening to Lectio 360 the same day they related a story about a man whose wife battled chronic illness for 20 years. People WANT someone to blame. Many years ago when I sought prayer for strength and courage to cope with my chronic illness a “charismatic” preacher said to me, “I thought you knew better than that,” as if I should never be ill. Shame is not helpful in those situations! God TOLD me He would be with me in the fibromyalgia.

Should I push God aside and shout, “but You have to heal me! You promised if I did such and so I would be healed.” We tend to see others who have physical afflictions as if they are less than ourselves, as if they are responsible for the failing of their body. What a crock of hooey! Those of us who suffer need the courage of the Lion of Judah, the strength of the Risen Christ to help in times of need.

 Let us therefore approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16 NRSV

Even Bob was struck in Lectio by the story of the woman with chronic illness. He wanted to be certain I listened on that day, and I had. The story is like what I was told … there is unresolved anger in your past, that is why you are ill. Let us just pray over you …sleep on a bed of magnets to be healed …drink this particular juice made from an exotic fruit … its all in your head. (Yep! those are actual things I was told!)

And to the remark about it all being in my head I replied, “Yes, in my head, my elbows, shoulders, hips. You name it I hurt there or I did last week or will next week.”

Fibro caused me to live in a high state of denial. That same logic does not work with diabetes. I AM angry at having diabetes, but I understand some of the disease in under my control, though there are many factors that are not. The Continuous Glucose Monitor no longer lets me live in that state of denial regarding diabetes. I must confess I am shocked at the effect certain foods have upon me. I must limit or eliminate those from my consumption.

In my nick knack collection I have a tiny brass chair that used to be in the windowsill. It reminds me that Christ is in our midst, ‘the unseen guest at every meal’. In the photo below it fell forward in the glass fronted case. At first I wondered how long it had been like that? Then I wondered if I could right it without dropping it behind the bookcase that rests below the display? Then I rejoiced that AGAIN the Lord has gotten my attention. I set a place for Him at the table of my life.


Lord God, Ruler of the Universe, give me eyes to see and ears to hear that I might proclaim Your glory.

Posted on in Amazing Creations, Faith, Memories, Praise, Prayer, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Thanks, Worship

Did You Watch It?

Season 4 Episode 1 of The Chosen was broadcast last weekend and we were delighted to have it on again. Very interesting that the church we visited used many of the same Scriptures and images that the show did. Made me wonder if they have an “in” with the program or if it was just the Holy Spirit at work, again!

When I attended the Soul Collage retreat in May of this year I found this picture. It moved me deeply. I share it with you not knowing if there is a copyright on it or not. If there is, my apologies to the photographer.

I immediately thought of the prayer quoted in the Eucharist by some churches:

"Blessed are you, Lord God of all creation,
for through your goodness we have received
the wine we offer you:
fruit of the vine and work of human hands,
it will become our spiritual drink."

And like in the Chosen, the website Jewish Voice says:

Blessed are You O Lord, our God, King of the Universe, who creates the fruit of the vine.

To me, it is no small thing the the Lord draws all of these things together for us. It is my plan to write the prayer of blessing/thanksgiving on the photo.

When we had our very first house on 1/2 acre of land, Bob not only planted a large garden but also wanted to grow grapes. And grow them he did! I quickly learned that if I was going to help harvest the grapes I better wear rubber gloves (thicker than cotton garden gloves) in case the wasps and bees were there ahead of me. Now we are fortunate if we can purchase fresh concord grapes in a market.

Blessed are You O Lord our God, King of the Universe. May we always see Your hand at work in our midst.

Posted on in Aging, Amazing Creations, Faith, Memories, Nature, Praise, Prayer

What to Write?

How about my day so far? Uncertain if I like the continuous glucose monitor. Sometimes it is so confusing. Guess I will know more once I meet with the doctor. Morning measurement seems to jump over 2 gingersnaps. Add a bowl of no sugar cereal with milk and the number went through the roof. Took a walk at the nature center and it still did not come down. Grr.

About that walk. It is good for me to go on the trail. See the turtles sunbathing. See the snapping turtle swim and then dive as if it saw a net or some other threat? None of them are concerned about my glucose reading. People feeding the turtles draw fish to the water, also. Always fun to watch.

There used to be an area where I could smell the pine trees, but so many of those trees have died that the fragrance is gone. The children on the trails always amuse me and some of the dogs are cute. I recognize most of the bird songs. The water striders still do not make sense to me, but they are fascinating. Perhaps you are not familiar with the water strider? Explanation follows.0000000

How do they do that?

National Wildlife Federation explains: Water striders are small insects that are adapted for life on top of still water, using surface tension to their advantage so they can “walk on water.”

Water acts different at the surface. Water molecules are attracted to each other and like to stay together, especially on the surface where there is only air above. The attraction between water molecules creates tension and a very delicate membrane. Water striders walk on this membrane.

Water striders are about a half-inch long with a thin body and three sets of legs. The water strider’s secret is its legs. The legs have tiny hairs that repel water and capture air. By repelling water, the tiny water striders stand on the water’s surface and the captured airs allows them to float and move easily.

There is a place near a nature center pool where I remember our son at about age 5 throwing little things into the water to try to fool the frogs.

Did I mention there are eyelashes on our deck? With all the younger women wearing false eyelashes these items make me think of them. Do you know what this is actually is?

Remember the blizzard of maple seeds? These are the stems those seeds were affixed to!

We are still pulling maple seedlings out of every flower bed. tough on the back! Wish I could hire a kid to do it. But there are also sweet alyssum seedlings and columbine and pansy/viola seedlings, so maybe not a good idea.

Praise the Lord.

Praise God in his sanctuary;
    praise him in his mighty heavens.
2 Praise him for his acts of power;
    praise him for his surpassing greatness.
3 Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
    praise him with the harp and lyre,
4 praise him with timbrel and dancing,
    praise him with the strings and pipe,
5 praise him with the clash of cymbals,
    praise him with resounding cymbals.

6 Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord. Psalm 150:1-6 NIV

Posted on in Aging, Cooking, Faith, Memories, Praise, Prayer, Trust

Nostalgia

When our children were little I would bake a special cake for our Easter celebration. I had a cake pan shaped like a lamb.

I used the James Beard recipe for 1-2-3-4 cake which is very rich! The recipe always made too much batter for the lamb cake pan.

Form made two layers similar to this.

When it was baked we stuck it together with rich butter cream frosting and used raw spaghetti to help it stay put. After frosting the outside we put coconut all over the lamb to look like wool.

I did not use a bow, but we did dye coconut green to look like grass.

I cooked the rest of the batter in a one layer pan and froze it for our celebration on Pentecost. Fifty days after demolishing the lamb cake we were each eager to taste the Pentecost cake. I pray my adult children and yours are eager to taste the Holy Spirit sent to us on Pentecost.

Posted on in Aging, Amazing Creations, Faith, Just do it, Listen, Memories, Nature, Poetry, Praise

Never Crossed My Mind


Never Crossed My Mind ©Molly Lin Dutina  2024

Never crossed my mind
As a younger woman
Hiking the trail, searching for flowers
Savoring the sound of Living waters
That a time would come

When the trails would offer  a daunting challenge
Sitting on a low bench
Taking an inexpert selfie
Would create clenching back pain
Upon arising

The Living Water refreshes my soul
Grand vistas renew my high opinion
Of Your glorious creation
Most High and Holy God
You bless me.

Black bear lumbers through the woods
Even haphazard parking by tourists
Cannot disturb this peace

Trickle of the brook calls me to quiet
Splendor of mighty clouds
Marching across Your endless sky
Summon me to Your heart.

The woodland has changed 
Mighty windstorms have reshaped
Trails and brooks
Grateful the young rangers 
Care for these trails and not me

Posted on in Amazing Creations, Faith, Memories, Nature, Special Event, Traveling

Vacation List of Beauties

When our son was very young he coined a statement, “Beauty! It’s a beauty!” I decided it was too difficult to take photos of every lovely spring wildflower we saw. In case you have not taken a walk recently perhaps this might bring you cheer! You can put the name of the flower in your browser if you want to see a photo click on images there. What follows is my partial list from the Smoky Mountain Flower Hunt 2024.

Day 1

Fairy wand

Wild ginger

Showy orchis

Canada violet

Jack and the pulpit wilted

Solomon seal

False Solomon seal

Wild strawberry

Common blue violet

Crested dwarf iris

Foam flower

Flowering dogwood

Trout Lily

Yellow Violet

Blood root, no flower

Bluettes!! These might be my favorite. 1/3 inch each flower. Tiny, tiny.

Dog hobble

Day 2

Yellow Trillium

Purple phlox

Jack in the Pulpit, finally!!

Thanks to Merlin which identified the songs of:

Swanson’s warbler

Hooded warbler

Worm eating warbler

Day 3

Pink Lady’s Slipper

Didn’t need Merlin to hear the wood thrush and pileated at once!

Doesn’t get much sweeter than that.

Thank you Father for allowing us to travel to the spring flowers one more year! All praise to You for Your glorious creation. You do not have to share it with us, yet You do! All praise and glory to the Most High God. Amen.