Ouch. This date and June 14th both bring me pangs of anguish. My Dad died on November 14, 1961. My mom died June 14, 1975. If my Dad was alive today he would be 109 years old. I do not wish that on anyone. That said, I have a friend who is in her 90s. Should she die this week I must say I would miss her dearly.
I never knew Paul Arthur Rush as anyone other than Daddy. I had just turned eleven years old when he died in our apartment. I was angry with him that morning when I left for school, (no idea over what now). I do remember that I refused to kiss him good bye. Little did I know he would be dead before I returned to the house from my after school dental appointment. My mother was supposed to pick me up. During my appointment I cried out. The dentist had to stop and let me calm down. I think that was just about the moment my Dad died. What a mess.
When the dental office secretary unexpectedly drove me home (due to the chaos in our house), I entered a place where my life was changed forever. Why am I telling you all of this?
We do not know what the next hour of our life will bring to us or to those whom we love. John Wesley is credited with the quote below, but it is cited from the 1790s to the 1900s in various publications as being written by various people. I think we can all agree it sums up wisdom indeed.
Do all the good you can, By all the means you can, In all the ways you can, In all the places you can, At all the times you can, To all the people you can, As long as ever you can.
On the morning of November 14, 1961 I had no idea how much that saying would impact me later in life. Yes, I wish I had kissed my Dad good-bye that morning. He suffered many years from repeated heart attacks and his heart disease is what finally killed him. For many years I was sorry for my inaction when I departed for school. I know I am forgiven.
I am grateful to my Dad in so many ways. They say he had a great sense of humor. I suppose that is where I got mine? I remember setting his hair in pin curls. For years I had totally straight hair. In my older age it is growing in wavy. His was wavy and I always envied that! After he died I would walk in a room and relatives would gasp and say, “Oh! It is Paul Rush.” So I guess I look more like him than I do my mom.
When I was diagnosed with diabetes I asked how that could be? “There is no history of that in my family.” The doctor told me that when my dad died from heart disease he likely was diabetic. There was no standard testing for diabetes at the time. His heart disease was likely due to his diabetes. (Not to mention the smoking, and drinking, etc.)
I will tell you that losing him set me on a quest to replace him. I found that no one could. However, that was the time when I did turn my heart and soul to the Lord God Almighty. I have found Him to be a most faithful Father Who will never leave me or forsake me.
So never miss a chance to tell someone that you love them. Seek most of all to know the heavenly Father.
My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face, Lord, I will seek. 9 Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, God my Savior. 10 Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. 11 Teach me your way, Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors. 12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me, spouting malicious accusations.
13 I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. 14 Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:8-14 NIV
My Uncle made me pose the morning of Daddy’s funeral. I did not want to smile.
I was born on All Saints Day. It is celebrated in the Christian church worldwide in practically every denomination.
“The Bible doesn’t tell us to pray to the saints (Matt. 6:6) or through the saints (1 Tim. 2:5). Instead, we think of our connectedness to past saints and find inspiration in their stories of God’s faithfulness. Hebrews 11 gives many examples of the great cloud of witnesses whose lives tell of God’s unfailing love and grace. These saints speak from the past and are whispering at this moment…
“God is faithful.” “The Lord is good. Trust Him.” “His grace was sufficient for me in my trials and is sufficient for you today.”
I turn 74 today and some how I keep thinking I am not that old. Until evening comes, and my energy flags. At times I realize all the things I will not get to do again or have never had the opportunity to do. “Like sands through the hourglass.”
The saints who have gone before me continue to offer me an example of faith and a challenge to live my life for the One Who is most worthy. “Time keeps on tick’in, into the future,” with or without us. I agree with the idea of living with an audience of One.
Colossians 3.23-24 “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”
“So, let us embrace the Audience of One Bible verse as a guiding principle in our lives. Let us strive to live each day with the knowledge that we are seen, known, and loved by our Creator. May we find the courage to let go of the need for human approval and instead seek to live a life that brings glory to God, our Audience of One.” There are many more verses listed at this website: https://dailybibleverse.org/audience-of-one-bible-verse/
“Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives,” has been a constant line on daytime television each afternoon since Nov. 8, 1965 says www.thelist.com. I was only 15 years old when that show began.
Please pray I continue to live for the glory of God all the days of my life. I pray the same for each of you!
There is no better explanation {of acceptance} than Jon Kabat-Zinn’s in “Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World Through Mindfulness”:
“Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is — especially when you don’t like it — and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed.” (p.407)
In other words, desiring the world to be something it is not at the moment, is stopped, and ruminating thoughts about how things “should be” are put aside. Then, you can change what can be changed.
Struggling with this mental illness that has reared its ugly head again, I find myself nose to nose with acceptance. Yes, I have been here before, but this episode has been the worst ever. I have put aside rudeness and personal insults for years. This month hit me hard. Perhaps it is all the times the same nonsense has occurred? Scar tissue is weaker than normal tissue. Maybe as I approach age 74 I have just had enough.
Years ago I learned that accepting something does not mean I approve of the thing.
Acceptance ≠ Approval
Some time, some place I bought this card and placed it inside the kitchen cabinet door.
Acceptance doesn’t mean giving in or giving up. It means giving yourself completely to God’s plan for your life, trusting that He always wants what’s best for you, and will help you meet every challenge with courage. For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Acceptance ≠ Approval
So I am trying to do good self-care. I am trying to detach with love. Praying for courage to go forward. Focus upon my life and my needs helps this process. It seems no coincidence that the retreat at Transfiguration coincided with this crisis of mental illness arising again. It helped to talk with another woman who lives on the grounds and has her own experience with mental illness in someone she is close to emotionally. I felt something in me shift when she described her person as “His brain is broken.”
Mindfulness means bringing your brain and emotions to the current moment. Not wishing for something else. We can actually increase our suffering by clinging to what we wish instead of what actually IS.
Another website entitled Break Free from Toxic Relationships pointed out:
Emotional detachment can be a challenging but necessary process for your personal growth and well-being. It’s an important step towards untangling yourself from toxic relationships that rob you of joy and ruin your mental health.
While challenging, emotionally detaching paves the way to healing and fulfilling relationships and is worth the effort. If you have trouble disengaging from a toxic individual, seek professional help.
≠
My pockets, my wallet, by house are now scattered with the DOES NOT EQUAL symbol. ≠
No, I do not approve of what is happening. However, I must accept it all the same. I will with God’s help. “Accept the things I cannot change.”
As you read this I will be attending the Transfiguration Associates autumn retreat. (These mental health crises so often seem to coincide with the retreats.) I am usually so desperate for rest by the time I arrive that sleep is the first thing on the agenda for me! So I try to go a few hours before the retreat begins hoping for a nap and some restoration.
This year I am hoping the retreat leader has time to talk with me. He is the director of Forward Movement. In 1964 I began reading Forward Day by Day. “Forward Day by Day is a booklet of daily inspirational meditations reflecting on a specific Bible passage, chosen from the daily lectionary readings as listed in the Revised Common Lectionary or the Daily Office from the Episcopal Church’s Book of Common Prayer.” Eventually instead of just the tiny blurb printed from an author I used the Lectionary references to read from the Psalms, Old Testament, New Testament and Gospel readings. I was delighted by this booklet that took my faith leaps and bounds from where I began searching for God.
Now I use the app they have made to listen to Morning Prayer with those daily readings. I recently picked up a print copy of Day by Day at church. I had stopped my subscription to the print version a long time ago. I have greatly enjoyed this month’s author. Imagine how blessed I was to read this entry dated Tuesday, October 8 after the hurts from the mental illness person.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” How many of you were taught that growing up? For me, it’s one of the biggest lies from childhood. I may have forgotten the physical cuts, bruises and scars I received growing up, but the words still linger decades after childhood.
Words have far more power than we give them credit. Words have the power to give life. Words have the power to ruin lives as well. Twice in this chapter, Jesus uses words to heal. (Luke 7)
In the beginning God spoke the universe into existence. Words have power.
And as Uncle Ben of Spider-Man fame said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” We should all be aware of the power of our words. Joseph Woo, Vicar of Mosaic Episcopal Church, Diocese of Texas
So as I hear the retreat leader (Rev. Scott Gunn) and pray to meet with him personally, I ask for your prayers, too. I am hoping to speak with him about where to go with the blog writings and the poetry. My priest has encouraged me to approach him and I am eager to do just that. Forward Movement has many forms of publications. Perhaps there is one that will work to get these musings out to the wider public?
Enjoy your weekend. May you be blessed with a greater awareness of God’s Presence.
When I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia I came across this poem:
There is no box made by God nor us but that the sides can be flattened out and the top blown off to make a dance floor on which to celebrate life. Kenneth Caraway
The poem encouraged me that even though I could barely walk at times, I could still dance with my beloved Lord and celebrate life with Him.
At what point did you give yourself to intimacy and trust with the Lord? I clearly remember (and am regularly reminded) that my moment in adult life was at a church conference. I have no idea now who the speakers were or who did the music. I do recall it was a Vineyard conference held in a hotel. There I had an intense and intimate moment with the Lord Jesus that changed me forever.
I was leaned against a door frame during a break between sessions when I remember clearly hearing the Lord say to me, “Come!” in the same commanding voice that Yul Brenner used in the King and I. No, I was not thinking about that movie or the song, but that is what I heard. I do not mean to imply that by God is as moody as the King in the movie. Just think of this as an invitation to intimacy with the Risen Christ.
Then it seemed as if I was in the arms of Jesus and dancing around the room. Unseen by others, to music unheard by others, yet just as real as the ballroom we were meeting in. Isn’t that just like our relationship with the Living God? Unseen by others and unheard by others yet real and vibrant and alive in every aspect of the word?
There is a movie clip and the lyrics for “Shall We Dance” from Rodgers and Hammerstein. (Evidently this clip has 7 different versions. I imagine you would find once is enough, though it is interesting to see how the different directors and actors play it out!)
Anna: We’ve just been introduced, I do not know you well; But when the music started, Something drew me to your side.
So many men and girls Are in each other’s arms— It made me think we might be Similarly occupied.
Shall we dance? On a bright cloud of music Shall we fly?
Shall we dance? Shall we then say good night And mean goodbye?
Or perchance When the last little star Has left the sky,
Shall we still be together With our arms around each other And shall you be my new romance?
On the clear understanding That this kind of thing can happen, Shall we dance? Shall we dance? Shall we dance?
Shall we dance?
Have you put God in a box? Are you willing to blow off the top, flatten the sides and make a dance floor to meet your God upon? Will you give yourself to this sort of intimacy? How do you respond when the Lord says, “Come!” to you? I pray you will arise and do whatever He asks!
Yes, I would give myself in marriage to Robert Dutina today, even knowing all I know about our life together thus far! Just a wonderful blessing our marriage has been to me!
Today is our big celebration! Married Fifty-four years! Count ’em 54!
There were folks how placed bets it would never last. We never asked Betty Dutina who those betting people were. All I can say is we have lasted thus far!
Live Oak Park, Berkeley, California, 1970
19,723 days. 648 months. 28,401,840minutes. Any way you look at it we have been married a LONG time, but in my eyes not long enough!!
2017 Grand CanyonEaster on Siesta Drive after Bob had been so illMy face ached after smiling so much on our wedding day!
And 54 years later I am still smiling!
Happy Anniversary to us! The church prayed over us as we celebrate: “O God, send Your blessing upon these Your servants, that they may so love, honor, and cherish each other in faithfulness and patience, in wisdom and true godliness, that their home may be a haven of blessing and peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.” BCP Page 431
We made it by car all the way to the upper peninsula of Michigan and home again! What an adventure. Some of the things we had hoped to experience were thwarted, but we still had a good time. I find a dose of humor always helps with frustration.
The first afternoon on the road we were both desperate for a bathroom and some coffee as we were skipping our usual afternoon naps. We found a Starbucks location and pulled in. Jumped out of the car, hit the door and said, “First, potty!” To that the employees replied, “We are so sorry. There was a fire in another shop in this strip mall and we have no water.” Not understanding, I asked, “Well, can we at least use your toilets?” Oh, no water to flush either. UGH.
We returned to the car to try find another place, any place that sold coffee and had a toilet. We finally did. That night we stayed in Gaylord Michigan at a Comfort Inn and Suites. It was only 3 years old. Lovely facility and for the first time ever in our experience the room actually had MORE power outlets that we needed!
The Soo Locks are a remarkable feat of engineering and human ingenuity that connect Lakes Superior and Huron. The locks operate by raising and lowering boats between the levels of Lake Superior and the lower Great Lakes using a series of gates and chambers. Water and boats are moved solely by the force of gravity. The Soo Locks date back to the mid-1800s and are a popular tourist destination, attracting an estimated 500,000 visitors annually.
The Soo Locks, located on the St. Marys River, allow freighters to navigate between Lake Superior and the lower Great Lakes, the St. Lawrence Seaway, and international markets. This essential transportation link moves nearly 86 million tons of cargo annually, including 95% of the United States’ iron ore.
Well, as this adventure would have it, the Locks were closed up tight that day for a disaster drill. The area was swarming with Police and Border Patrol officers. As one commenter on Tripadvisor stated, “When we got there, the park is barricaded with only one entry point with an armed guard.” Even a ship worker we saw at the gate had to wait for special permission to enter. Very disappointing for us. After we watched big ships going along the Saint Lawrence River at our friend Pat’s house we had looked forward to this visit. Here are a few snapshots from outside the fence. To me it looked like a five story building on top of an enormous ship! I could not find the height listed, only the dimensions listed below. 223 meters in length is about 731 feet or 2 football field lengths!
Vessel type
Bulk carrier
Operating status
Active
Flag
Canada
Gross tonnage
23306 tons
Deadweight
34752 tons
Length
223 m
Breadth
23 m
Year of build
1987
photo by r m dutina
So though we were disappointed we figured we would go on to Clyde’s drive-in, famous for burgers and shakes. Yes, it was still morning, but we had waited for a famous milkshake for a few weeks and now we were here. Pulled in to the parking lot and there was one guy on a motorcycle. Before we could emerge from the car a woman came out of the place and told us she was sorry, but they had no electricity. “WHAT?!?!” Yep no electric, so no food service or ability to ring up sales. We told her our unfortunate experience at Starbucks and at the Locks. She replied, with a gleam of humor in her eyes, “Well it must be you guys! Every place you go is not functional!” We drove away with no milkshake. There were a few other sightings of Clyde’s in other places in Michigan, but we did not stop.
That night we stayed at the Boarders and Suites by Cobblestone in Munising. It was very nice. We were somewhat mollified by our luck so far. We were finally sleeping and traveling the Upper Peninsula, or as the locals say the “UP” or we were among the Yoopers.
Several of the motels we chose were disappointing and one was downright depressing. However, all of them were quiet and clean so we did not do too badly by doing it all online by ourselves.
Each day we listened to our favorite faith podcasts and music we brought from home on data sticks in the car. We were praising God as we went along!
In Numbers 13 Moses sends men from each tribe into the land of the Negev to Canaan to explore and bring back a report.
When Moses sent them to explore Canaan, he said, “Go up through the Negev and on into the hill country. 18 See what the land is like and whether the people who live there are strong or weak, few or many. 19 What kind of land do they live in? Is it good or bad? What kind of towns do they live in? Are they unwalled or fortified? 20 How is the soil? Is it fertile or poor? Are there trees in it or not? Do your best to bring back some of the fruit of the land.” (It was the season for the first ripe grapes.) Numbers 13: 17-20 NIV
They brought back a bunch of grapes to show the fruit of the land. It was so enormous, it took two men to carry it, slung over a pole between them. Most of the spies gave a negative, fearful report. (See Numbers 13:28-29, 31-33)
We adopted a woman we called our Jewish Grandmother. Her name was Cloty Gutman. She was born on 16 March 1904, in Germany. She died on 15 May 2002, in Cincinnati, at the age of 98. She was a sweet, sweet lady. Bob adjusted her hallway clock once and she was delighted to have it run and ring again! The set of end tables in our home came from her as did this lovely cluster of grapes.
Yes, they represent the Numbers 13 spies that Moses sent out, but it also represents the ones who gave a positive report. Joshua and Caleb told the people they could do what God asked with His help. The people were fearful and brought trouble upon themselves by refusing to believe the positive report.
6Joshua son of Nun and Caleb son of Jephunneh, who were among those who had explored the land, tore their clothes 7 and said to the entire Israelite assembly, “The land we passed through and explored is exceedingly good. 8 If the Lord is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us. 9 Only do not rebel against the Lord. And do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will devour them. Their protection is gone, but the Lord is with us. Do not be afraid of them.” Numbers 14:6-9
We, too, have countless opportunities to believe a negative report and not rely upon what God says to us. Joshua and Caleb were eventually rewarded for their faith. Before that, this conversation between the Lord and Moses ensued.
But the whole assembly talked about stoning them. Then the glory of the Lord appeared at the tent of meeting to all the Israelites. 11 The Lord said to Moses, “How long will these people treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the signs I have performed among them?12 I will strike them down with a plague and destroy them, but I will make you into a nation greater and stronger than they.” Numbers 14:10-12
The grapes remind me to hold fast to my faith and the things the Lord has said to me. Are we treating the Lord with contempt? Do we refuse to believe in the Holy One in spite of all the signs He has performed among us? Lord, I pray it is not so.
Moses pleaded with the Lord on behalf of the people.
13 Moses said to the Lord, “Then the Egyptians will hear about it! By your power you brought these people up from among them. 14 And they will tell the inhabitants of this land about it. They have already heard that you, Lord, are with these people and that you, Lord, have been seen face to face, that your cloud stays over them, and that you go before them in a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. 15 If you put all these people to death, leaving none alive, the nations who have heard this report about you will say, 16 ‘The Lord was not able to bring these people into the land he promised them on oath, so he slaughtered them in the wilderness.’
17 “Now may the Lord’s strength be displayed, just as you have declared: 18 ‘The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.’ 19 In accordance with your great love, forgive the sin of these people, just as you have pardoned them from the time they left Egypt until now.”
20 The Lord replied, “I have forgiven them, as you asked. 21 Nevertheless, as surely as I live and as surely as the glory of the Lord fills the whole earth, 22 not one of those who saw my glory and the signs I performed in Egypt and in the wilderness but who disobeyed me and tested me ten times— 23 not one of them will ever see the land I promised on oath to their ancestors. No one who has treated me with contempt will ever see it. 24 But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went to, and his descendants will inherit it.25 Since the Amalekites and the Canaanites are living in the valleys, turn back tomorrow and set out toward the desert along the route to the Red Sea.”
Caleb had a different spirit. Caleb followed the Lord wholeheartedly. How is your spirit? Have you decided to follow wholeheartedly or halfheartedly? It is worthwhile to examine yourself in the presence of the Lord and answer this question. I pray you will dedicate yourself with every part of your being to the work of God’s call upon your life.
At this point the people who were following Moses were told that they would wander in the wilderness for 40 years, one year for each of the 40 days they explored.
Not one of them will ever see the land I promised on oath to their ancestors. No one who has treated me with contempt will ever see it.Not one of you will enter the land I swore with uplifted hand to make your home, except Caleb son of Jephunneh and Joshua son of Nun. Numbers 14:23, 30
Convinced and convicted the group decided to then obey the first command of the Lord and though Moses warned them, they were soundly defeated because the Lord did not go with them. Have we heard the voice of commandment and ignored it? Have we presumed we could go back and be obedient to the first instruction even though other instructions have been given?
The path of obedience that says ‘do the last thing you were instructed’ is true. We are to follow and obey each step of the way, in the order things are given. We are not to pick and choose our obedience in our own chosen order.
I believe I am to follow through on “doing something” with the writings from this blog and stories and poetry. I will continue to pursue that in spite of physical challenges and limitations. God help me and guide me, I pray!
May the grapes of faith, the giant cluster from the Valley of Eshkol, lead you in your quest of obedience. May you bring delight to your Father as you walk out your faith.
There are many people who shun written prayers and just as many others who rely upon them. I actually do both. Do not even know now where I recently came across this prayer. John Wesley interests me because before I was born my Grandfather Snapp was a Methodist minister. He died before I arrived. It is said that those who knew Allen Ross Snapp (1876 to 1946) loved him. I have also heard he preached hell fire and brimstone. Wish I could find a record of one of his sermons. I would love to have known him.
My mother, Her father, Allen Ross, back row 2 of her 5 brothers, Frank Snapp and Howard Snapp
When I was looking for a church to get baptized in at age 15 I visited quite a few. The Methodist one I visited did not do a lot for my young questing heart. Later, we did join Clough United Methodist where our young baby son was dedicated to the Lord.
This prayer, often used in January services among the Methodists, spoke to my heart. Surely Grandpa Snapp used it in his services, too! I am certain you will hear refrains of Paul’s letters in it. I sincerely hope you can read, pray and recite it with a genuine heart of dedication to Christ.
I am no longer my own by Yours. Put me to what You will, rank me with whom You will. Put me to doing, put me to suffering. Let me be employed for You or laid aside for You, exalted for You or brought low for You. Let me be full, let me be empty. Let me have all things, let me have nothing. I freely and wholeheartedly yield all things to Your pleasure and disposal. And now, glorious and blessed God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, You are mine and I am Yours. So be it. And the covenant now made on earth, let it be ratified in heaven. Amen.
And set to music
I pray you can give yourself to the Lord, if not today, then very soon. One church challenged their members to read this daily for 100 days. You might want to try that!
These are questions we ought to be asking ourselves in every conversation. I was reminded recently of a situation in my life where someone did not filter her comments in this way. I was deeply wounded by her comments.
As you may know my husband almost died in 2019. In 2021 we began to build a new house, smaller house, no steps. etc.. Prior to the house being finished I was gripped by a fear that went something like, “What if he dies before we move in?” I was involved in a weekly prayer group at our church. I asked my prayer friends to pray for me as I was having difficulty shaking off that fear. Time went on. Bob continued to gain strength and we moved into the house.
A couple months later we held an open house for others to come and see where we live now. One of the women from that prayer group took me aside and said, “See! Nothing happened.” The comment felt demeaning and condescending. Was it true? Yes. Was it kind? Not in my ears. Was it necessary? Not in the least.
Not everything we think needs to be said aloud to others.
With chronic illness you quickly learn that those who do not suffer from a chronic illness likely have no inkling what you go through. With the near death of a spouse you also learn that others who have not experienced it likely have no inkling what you go through.
I thank the Lord everyday that my husband lived through that awful illness and recovered so well. I am so grateful for those who prayed for me to stay strong as I helped nurse him back to a full life and was enabled with the help of their prayers to release my fears to the Lord God Almighty.
This incident marred any fondness in my heart for that lady. She has good points. I benefited some from knowing her. I just cannot bring myself to trust her, at least with my innermost needs.
I believe we need to take care with our words. This applies to me, also. James warns us in Chapter 1
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry James 1:19 NIV
