Category: Illness and Health

Posted on in Aging, Illness and Health, Memories, Poetry, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth

Poetry and Pain

In church one morning I was drawn to the cry of a baby some place in the congregation. I did not get upset or distressed by it. I seem to be naturally drawn to all babies everywhere. This baby spoke to my soul. Here is the verse that followed that hearing.

Tiny Baby in the Background© 2014 Molly Lin Dutina

Tiny baby in the background
crying, crying
and I am drawn to her
as the tiny baby inside me
cries write it, write it

Struggling under the fog of constant pain
drugs, drugs, 
distraction to nth degree
rock that baby and hold her
comfort her, rock her

Unconditional love and kindness
will prove again the victor
as, given time,
the words will come
Be at peace

I am not usually drugged in order to cope with the chronic pain. Obviously I was that day in 2014.

Posted on in Aging, Faith, Illness and Health, medical treatment, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth

Aunt Ra

Bob’s Aunts lived in New York City. The last time I saw Aunt Ra alive she was in the hospital suffering from cancer. I wrote this as we were leaving New York to return home to Cincinnati.

Profound Sense © 2000 Molly Lin Dutina

How can I leave you here in your suffering?
Who will escort you when employees
are careless about their duties and
don’t even want to be at work today?
Will someone wrap you in tenderness
when the struggle seems overwhelming?
Can an advocate arise in the
technical discussion of your treatment
with you too weak to speak
transported in agony
beyond concern for choices
all effort towards enduring
present life demands?

As I hold your hand and
smooth your temple in the
radiology holding area
I am reminded that as I
comfort you, I comfort Jesus.
Your gaunt features remind me of
the asceticism of St. Francis.
One niece says you resemble
a female Buddhist monk.

As I turn from you
not wanting to burden you
with my weeping
I marvel at the ability
I am given to walk.
Sobs consume me because
I cannot help you more.
How can I get in a car
put hundreds of miles between us
and be unaffected by your struggle?
I cannot.
So I am reduced to a 
profound sense of helplessness.

Others’ eyes avert from my
weeping countenance.
I cannot stop the tears
and I do not try.
The ingratitude of those not helpless
assaults my brain and senses.
“Christ above you, Christ within you,
Christ beneath you.
Christ on your right, Christ on your left
Christ in every eye that sees you
Christ in every voice that speaks to you.”


I marvel
even as I weep
that I can peel and eat
an orange
blow my nose
drink a Coke
think of you
-all virtually unaided-
except for the life force
that keeps me from
disease, suffering, death.
I use every tissue in my possession.
I mop my face with napkins.
Swollen eyes, red, bulbous nose
so what?

In the hospital corridors they stare.
The brisk breeze at the bus stop
startles me – I am alive.
On the bus they wonder
why I cry and sniff
St. Patrick’s Hymn rolls through my soul
“Christ with you, Christ before you,
Christ behind you.
I arise today through a mighty strength
The invocation of the Trinity
Through belief in the Threeness
Through confession of the oneness
Towards the Creator.”
And I commend you into those
Holy Hands and keeping.

Be certain to listen to at least the second minute of the music!

Posted on in Faith, Family, Illness and Health, medical treatment, Prayer, Thanks

Black Ice Consequences

This winter our son fell on black ice while walking into work. He suffered both knee injury and shoulder injury.

For those of you living where ice does not happen, good old Wikipedia describes it as: Black ice, sometimes called clear ice, is a thin coating of glaze ice on a surface, especially on streets. The ice itself is not black, but visually transparent, allowing the often black road below to be seen through it. The typically low levels of noticeable ice pellets, snow, or sleet surrounding black ice means that areas of the ice are often practically invisible to drivers or people stepping on it. There is, thus, a risk of slippage and subsequent accident due to the unexpected loss of traction.

He has been under medical care ever since. This afternoon he will finally receive shoulder surgery. There is a tear and they are going to repair it. Please pray for successful surgery and rapid thorough healing. He has been in pain for months.

If you have ever had shoulder surgery you know that getting comfortable afterwards is a major deal. He will not even be able to use his right hand for a long time after the surgery. And yes, he is right handed.

He is hoping for some major pain relief from the surgery and we are lifting that to the Father also.

I ask your prayers for him and his family (wife and son). I look forward to updating you with great news soon! He has been in physical therapy for his knee (same fall) and it seems to be healing nicely.

Concern for our kids never goes away, even when they are in their mid-40s!

Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

Elizabeth Stone
Posted on in Challenge, Faith, Illness and Health, Just do it, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Traveling

Unrest

How does it hit you?

Anxiety that would never name itself fear, yet it usually is just that!

The experts, both travel agents and psychologists agree that planning a trip is the most exciting thing. Experiencing the trip can be delightful unless one gets too stressed. Having completed a vacation can leave you with many pleasant memories. Our upcoming trip to Hawaii has been filled with anticipation, will be filled with enjoyment and then we will have many happy memories. Unless of course, my fears come true!

My mother always wanted to go to Hawaii to see the many flowers. She never had the funds to get there before she died. We have been planning a trip since 2020, the year of our 50th wedding anniversary. During the pandemic Hawaii said you could travel there, but had to be in quarantine for 2 weeks. We could not afford a month in Hawaii! So we put it off and all but stopped planning. Except we talk to Dan and Betty often about sights and experiences they have enjoyed in Hawaii. We most often add their ideas to what we want to do!

We have been meeting with a travel agent for this trip. That has not been delightful. We talk about things we want. She looks up the item and prices. Later she sends us an itinerary and often parts of it are wrong. She is seriously keeping Bob on his toes!

Our health has challenged us as this trip draws closer. Bob needs a medical test that he is considering putting off until after the trip. When I question him about that he tells me, “So what if it indicates something should be done?” He would rather not know. I want certainty that he will be okay traveling. He quips, “Hawaii might be a cool place to die.” That does not comfort or sooth me. Think about that. If it happens do I just bring his ashes back or arrange transport for his whole body. What a logistical nightmare! Not to mention ruining the trip. Just yesterday, come to find out, they cannot take him for the test until we return!

I have had pain in my shoulder since Thanksgiving. Doctor’s assistant sent me to physical therapy. PT made it worse. Doctor said I need an MRI to find out what is going on in there. It seems worse with certain movements. This has become pain that cannot be ignored when I move a certain way. That breath-taking kind of pain that makes one gasp and see stars. I dread lying down in bed at night. MRI is scheduled for Tuesday evening, March 28, but return appointment with doc is not until mid-April. He said I might require an injection of steroid or surgery. NO SURGERY at least until after Hawaii. Surgery now would interfere with Hawaii. Oh, I get Bob’s reasoning now. Departure date is early May. 

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

So there it is. The fears laid out in the open. What do they require? That I trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not to my own understanding. In all my ways I must acknowledge Him and He will make my paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6) Oh.

Oh. That “T” word. It begins with a cross – t. It ends with a cross – t. And the letters in the middle ask, “R us?” Or better English, are we? Or Are U? (skip the ‘s’)

T r u s t

At one season in my life I set Psalm 56:3-4 to a melody. I would sing, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in You, O Lord. When I am afraid, I put my trust in You, O Lord. In God whose word I praise, In God whose word I praise, in God I trust without a fear.” I am starting to sing it today, through the travel to Hawaii, and back home.

Shoulder, medical test, all of it can likely be something to be classified as false evidence of impending doom, appearing real, to ruin my anticipation of this trip of a lifetime. I refuse to let the devil steal my joy.

Instead of 50 years of marriage celebrated as we visit our 50th state, we will be celebrating almost 53 years of marriage as we visit our 50th state. Pray for us please! Especially scaredy cat, worrywart, Molly. Put it down Molly. You cannot receive His full blessing if your hands are full of fretting.

Posted on in Amazing Creations, Beagle, Faith, Family, Illness and Health, Just do it, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Thanks

Give This Thought and Practice

Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.

Omar Khayyam

This moment. Right now. Just now.

How many of us even think about that idea? We are so far off in “If only” and “What if” that we are usually barely conscious of right now. But we can be conscious of right now? We most likely will have to train ourselves to do this present moment thinking. I cannot overstate the benefits!

Can you stay focused on God for more than a moment?

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.

Mark 12:30 NIV

This moment is your life and your chance to love the Lord your God. This moment. Right now. Just now. Many people before us have tried multiple methods to accomplish this. What is your method? Have you developed a practice towards keeping happily with His presence in each moment? Turn your heart towards Him as you sip iced tea or hot coffee? As you walk through a door frame do you remember you are walking in His presence.

Photo by Benjamin Rascoe on Unsplash

There are countless methods to mind the moments. What is yours? As we turn our hearts and minds continuously towards the Trinity we will find more satisfaction and happiness in each moment. Take the challenge for yourself. Practice His presence and find ways to be happy in this moment with Him.

Recently I was hit with a bout of nausea and other sickly symptoms. I had to stop everything I was doing to cope with my body and symptoms. Talking with a dear cousin she also was ill for a few days. She mentioned that she just cried out to the Father, “I know You have taken care of me and met all of my needs. I know You will do that just now, even while I am not feeling well.” And indeed, God did. Though she was not as energetic as usual, she was able to take care of herself and her attitude by staying conscious of God’s good care.

“Be happy for this moment.” Were either one of us happy to be sickly? Absolutely not! Rather than wasting time awfulizing or bemoaning our state of being we both made a decision to stay aware of our good Father and invite Him into the situation.

Photo by Valentina Ivanova on Unsplash
Posted on in Amazing Creations, Challenge, Faith, Illness and Health, Just do it, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth

Book entitled The Lost

The quote below is from a novel I read recently. The wisdom of the LORD seems to show up in so many places!

The battle’s in here.’ Sunni tapped a finger against Jonah’s temple as he pushed himself upright on the bench. ‘Pain’s just your body’s way of telling you something’s wrong. It’s how you deal with it that matters.’ It was just hard to believe that when it hurt so much.

The Lost by Simon Beckett

The novelist knows that our biggest battle is between our ears. Whether it is bodily pain or the facts of life. Struggling with physical pain can be especially difficult. We can get lost in the facts and rumors and dismal dashing of hopes. What does the New Testament say about that?

 … for the weapons of our warfare are not merely human, but they have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments 5 and every proud obstacle raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 NRSV

We have the power to take every one of our thoughts captive to obey Christ. Are we using that power to His glory and for our well-being? Yes, it is a big job, but we are given what we need to accomplish it.

In my experience if I am willing to use the weapons given me to take every thought captive to obey Christ the experience can be like falling dominoes (or that series that Dan likes so much where one action causes other actions., Gabe somebody?)

Nope, I found it!

Wikipedia says: “Reuben Garrett Lucius Goldberg (July 4, 1883 – December 7, 1970), known best as Rube Goldberg, was an American cartoonist, sculptor, author, engineer, and inventor.

Goldberg is best known for his popular cartoons depicting complicated gadgets performing simple tasks in indirect, convoluted ways. The cartoons led to the expression “Rube Goldberg machines” to describe similar gadgets and processes.”

I take a negative or disquieting thought into the Light of Christ. Jesus, the Spirit of Truth, shines His light upon the thought. It can no longer hold darkness of untruth. That makes a whole sequence of things predicated upon that thought to come to the Light of Christ and be made captive unto Him. My thoughts change as each is taken captive. Maybe oversimplification, but I hope you get the idea.

Here is a Rube Goldberg video to illustrate how things can pass.

So what thought holds you captive? Are you willing to take it captive through the weapons of warfare you have been given? Do you want to see the sequence it controls fall to the LORD?

Posted on in Aging, Faith, Illness and Health, Journal, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Yield

Wonder What Chronic Pain is Like?

Sometimes the pain of fibromyalgia is compared to having the flu. If you have had the foggy brain, aches and pains, etc. of flu you might know what fibro is like. First, you have to remember what all of that felt like. The thing with pain is we often forget what it felt like. Fibromyalgia does not let you forget. It rears its ugly head and exerts its dark power regularly – even daily.

There have been a few nights lately when I have gotten to sleep and then woke up about 15 minutes later. I think the waking is usually caused by physical discomfort. One night I finally got my tablet and made a few notes about it. This is not meant o draw pity or fear or aversion. Just the truth about what it is like at times to be me.

It is as if every place I have ever injured on my body has gained a voice of complaint, discomfort and unceasing pain. Trying to get to sleep is the hardest task. Right shoulder, right knee, right plantar fasciitis, turn over and left lower back has an acerbic diatribe to throw in. Spasm in thumb joint, afternoon fatigue, the list goes on to include headaches, jaw pain, stiffness trying to stand- stiffness that makes me realize I am no longer a young woman. Aging is advancing so rapidly that I am absolutely stunned, dumbfounded, flummoxed.

If those are temporarily quieted there is a painful lump on index finger second joint that has a voice like a high pitched child who has learned to scream. Heaven help me. And then I am reminded what Paul wrote in Romans.

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:16-18

With streams of remembrance my mind goes to my youth. I have always been nineteen in my mind. That is no longer so. I do not mourn the changes though perhaps it might do me good. I am not nineteen. I am not ninety-one. I am simply Molly Lin, disciple of Christ Jesus, finding her way through aging.

The thought occurs that perhaps this is spiritual warfare. Lord Jesus, King of angel armies, show me how to push back this darkness. And if it is not warfare, then show me how to move into acceptance with grace and mercy towards myself.

Such a difficult task, but one I must take up or slip into weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth!

The sufferings – I share in mean I will also share in His glory. Theses sufferings are not worthy to be compared with the glory that will be revealed. Oh Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. If there be any wicked way in me, lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:24)

Posted on in Book quotes, Challenge, Faith, Illness and Health, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth

Where is God?

As you can see in the above picture by Missy Cummings, He was purported to dwell in the cloud by day and the fire by night, the Tabernacle, then a couple of Temples, and now indwells you. Can you get your mind around that idea?

This absolutely flies in the face of separation regarding us and the Lord God Almighty. He is not “The big man upstairs.” He is not just God of the Bible stories. Jesus made a way for Him to dwell within you, to abide, tarry, stay.

Bob was recently musing on the Gospel of John and these verses.

‘I ask not only on behalf of these, but also on behalf of those who will believe in me through their word, 21 that they may all be one. As you, Father, are in me and I am in you, may they also be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22 The glory that you have given me I have given them, so that they may be one, as we are one, 23 I in them and you in me, that they may become completely one, so that the world may know that you have sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

John 17:20-23 RSV

Do you desire this sort of oneness with the Father and the Son? Perhaps you shudder at this level of intimacy with them? Many people want the idea of separateness – God separate from us – as the Word says in John 3:19 people love darkness rather than light because their deeds are evil. Saints have been trying to teach us for generations that having God dwell in us is a heavenly gift. Julian of Norwich born 1342 and died 1416 was a celebrated author and mystic. She taught:

“Greatly ought we to rejoice that God dwells in our soul; and more greatly ought we to rejoice that our soul dwells in God. Our soul is created to be God’s dwelling place, and the dwelling of our souls is God, who is uncreated. It is a great understanding to see and know inwardly that God, who is our Creator, dwells in our soul, and it is a far greater understanding to see and know inwardly that our soul, which is created, dwells in God in substance, of which substance, though God, we are what we are.” ~ Julian of Norwich

~Julian of Norwich

“Between God and the soul there is no between.”

~Julian of Norwich

How do you interpret that in your own life? Read those 2 quotes again and ponder what they might mean for you 2023. If you love God and have accepted Jesus as His Son, He has come to dwell in you. We recently sang, “O come, o come, Emmanuel.” And He has come! Jesus was born a man, died for all men and rose again to be seated at the right hand of the Father. He has accomplished His work and has sent the promise of the Holy Spirit to dwell in us who believe. There is no between God and the soul.

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.

Ephesians 3:16-17 TLB

If, like me, you are facing another year of physical struggle, I pray you will take the above verses to heart. Ask the Father repeatedly to empower you with inner strength. Invite Christ to make His home in you and TRUST in Him. Help us all, Lord, to grow our roots deep into Your love and make us strong.

Posted on in Aging, Faith, Illness and Health, Just do it, medical treatment, Spiritual discipline

She Would Like You To Come Back

When the dermatologist burns off one wart thingy and cuts out two places with razor type instruments, you are not pleased when they call with the report and say, “She’d like you to come back. We just had a surgery cancellation. Can you make it on this date?” I was barely awake from an afternoon rest as I agreed to show up then. I think she said basal cell on one site.

Basal cell carcinoma is quite common. The number of reported cases in the U.S. has steadily increased.

  • An estimated 3.6 million Americans are diagnosed with BCC each year.
  • More than one out of every three new cancers are skin cancers, and the vast majority are BCCs.
  • The diagnosis and treatment of nonmelanoma skin cancers, including BCC and squamous cell carcinoma (SCC), increased up to 77 percent between 1994 and 2014.

The dermatologist scrapes or shaves off the BCC using a curette (a sharp instrument with a ring-shaped tip), then uses heat or a chemical agent to destroy remaining cancer cells, stop the bleeding and seal off the wound. The physician may repeat the procedure a few times during the same session until no cancer cells remain. Typically, the procedure leaves a round, whitish scar resembling a cigarette burn at the surgery site.

When it’s used

Curettage and electrodesiccation can be effective for most small BCC lesions. In these instances, the procedure has cure rates close to 95 percent.

https://www.skincancer.org/skin-cancer-information/basal-cell-carcinoma/bcc-treatment-options/

Oh joy, (sarcasm). The child that was terrified of doctors after being hospitalized with a broken thigh at age 3 gets to go back and let the doctor shave on her to make certain she got all the margins. It is hard, even at age 72, to be brave.

“3.6 million people diagnosed every year.” That is a fine statistic when it is OTHER people.

“Electrodessication” sounds like an obstetrician whose practice I left after he told me they were going to dissect me for my second C-section to remove the baby. Made me feel like frog in high school science.

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10 CSB

I will go. I likely will eat an ice cream cone afterwards even though it will be morning. God will be with me and likely Bob, too. My part will be to cooperate and FEAR NOT. That is not stated as a suggestion. Every translation I read on Bible Gateway shows the wording in a similar fashion from do not be afraid, do not be dismayed, do not be anxious, do not be overwhelmed, no need to fear, don’t be frightened, terrified or dismayed. Frankly, just don’t go there, Molly. God will strengthen us, help us and hold us with His righteous right hand. Loving God and knowing this verse, makes it harder to be a scaredy cat.

I have friends who have many places on their skin with this diagnosis. This experience will give me more compassion for them. One is having surgery on his back January 19 of this year. One had part of his ear cut off and skin graft done to heal and cover the place. One has had several places on his arms removed. Fret not, (as we are told three times in Psalm 37), fret not Molly Lin and others seeing a dermatologist, it leads only to trouble.

Posted on in Aging, Challenge, Faith, Family, Illness and Health, Listen, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Thanks, Traveling

Ears and Hearts

While traveling in New Mexico we bought a pottery piece at a craft show. It was wrapped in newspaper. When I unwrapped it to show our hosts, the Cookseys, I saw the editorial cartoon by Jeff Koterba. The paper was dated June 7, 2020, The Albuquerque Sunday Journal. I emailed Mr. Koterba asking if I could use his cartoon in this blog. The caption reads, “May we listen with our ears … and our hearts.” The drawing is wonderfully creative!

Jeff Koterba answered me a few days later. I asked if he would send me a copy of the cartoon as mine was all wrinkled from cushioning the pottery. He replied that these are the kinds of stories he loves! He would be glad to share the cartoon. (See above) He is a very talented artist.

I requested his memoir from the Cincinnati Public Library entitled “Inklings.” It was a transparent, at times amusing and sometimes painful read. Jeff grew up in an alcoholic household and he and his father both have Tourette’s syndrome. It took years for Jeff to even realize what the Tourette’s was. His biography reads:

Honored by the National Cartoonists Society, National Headliner Awards, and Great Plains Journalism. Awards, Jeffrey Koterba’s cartoons are syndicated to over 800 newspapers with Cagle Cartoons and have appeared in such publications as The New York Times, The Washington Post, and USA Today. He currently draws with support on Patreon. 

His original drawings have flown aboard space shuttle Discovery. Back on earth, his work has been included in multiple exhibits in the U.S. and Europe, including alongside Picasso.

Entertainment Weekly called his memoir, Inklings: “…a powerful and moving portrait of an artist.”

A two-time TEDx speaker, he often gives talks on creativity, Tourette Syndrome, and current affairs.

Here he explains much of what it is like to live with Tourette’s.

This very talented man also writes songs, plays guitar and is lead singer for the band he formed called the Prairie Cats. So much talent! I am always amazed at the accomplishments of those who do not let physical obstacles get in their way.

May I apply my talents to the tasks the Lord gives me in spite of my upbringing in an alcoholic home, chronic pain disorder and the physical challenges that aging provides me with. Jeffrey Koterba is truly an inspiration to me!