Yes I endured the procedure. My I was startled by the nerve pain the second day. Exhausted, I still endured.
Have heard his song recently but had never explored it. It is not an old hymn, like one you find in a hymnal, yet it is the song of the ages. Brandon Lake, Phil Wickham, Cody Carnes and Benjamin William Hastings collaborated on this anthem of praise. It still holds true this morning!
As you know I had my first experience with nerve ablation. I was so grateful for the many people praying for me during this experience.
There was a moment after all the intake questions, blood pressure reading, etc. After the IV was started when there was a space where fear might come in, that I turned to the Father – and there in that moment – it seemed as if I could feel the prayers of my husband, friends, and loved ones. A peace came over me and I submitted to the procedure with a calm. No, it was not pleasurable, but I was able to find the courage to go through with it. Unlike some procedures I did not even shed a tear this time. I am so grateful to know how to do La Maze breathing when I must have something painful done to me.
The procedure did not take as long as the internet reported. The Versed they administered through the IV did help keep me calm. I woke up the same morning with a pounding headache that has hounded me all day long. Even Versed did not knock it down!
When we got home I could barely stay awake. Went to bed uncertain how to even get comfortable as right shoulder is still painful after January surgery and the hip ablation was on the left side. Some how I finally fell asleep for a while. Got up for a few moments and back to bed again with ice pack.
When I finally got up for the afternoon I was trying to stay calm and be nice to my loving husband. Inside though I was all ruffled and agitated. After I finally landed in my chair, I could not reach the TV remote, but remembered I could listen to a sermon or podcast to help distract me while I crocheted. The Lord was waiting there, too!
This sermon is about 30 minutes long, but it was just exactly what I needed to hear. Jordan Rice addresses the question”Is your life harder than you expected it to be?” by studying Psalm 27 and he stresses our methods of coping using denial, delusion, distraction and determination.
He presents not only a fresh model of praying using: ACTS = adoration, confession, thanksgiving and supplication. He also leads his congregation in a sample of this method.
Verse 1 turned my attention to the fact that indeed God was with me during the radio frequency ablation. I was surprised when they applied a pad to my right thigh to “ground me” for the radio frequency. Rather like being in some sci-fi procedure!
The sermon touched me deeply. I pray it is a blessing you, too. Whatever is going on in your circumstances, I believe this will apply to you.
My back is still sore (to be expected). We are all praying this will kill pain in my hip. If it does, then when the nerve grows back in a few months they can perform the procedure again. If there is a next time I will hopefully be more brave!
About a week ago I awoke from an afternoon nap with portions of this song resounding in my head. It took me a while, but with the help of the internet I located the song. I have the CD from years ago and it had been a very long time since I heard it. I just love how the Holy Spirit can bring things back to our remembrance! I was greatly comforted by the lyrics.
Here is another recording of the same song from the Everglades correctional institution in Miami, FL. It has come familiar Christian refrains at the end.
Last week I went to a meeting. My friend who is 87 has recently had chemo and radiation. She just learned the cancer is not gone. Awaiting word from doctor if there is a medication she can take to mitigate the spread. There is a surgery, but doctor is afraid she would not survive that.
Then met a friend for lunch. Towards the end of our lunch she told me her husband is suffering again from the mental illness that plagued him earlier in life. He spent one week in a hospital and then checked himself out against doctors wishes. He has not adapted well to life at home. She cannot sleep as he roams the house all hours of the night.
Same day I saw a familiar face at the grocery. As we passed a second time I stopped and said I know I should know you but cannot think of your name. She said, “Me too!” We reminded each other of our names. She had recently suffered from breast cancer. Finished her treatments and was fine. Then last Easter she began vomiting and could not stop. At the hospital they did a CT Scan and found a mass on her pancreas. When I saw her at the store she was wearing a chemo head cover. My heart just sank. Her husband had a terrible mouth and tongue cancer a few years ago. He has recovered, but oh, now this!
Then my 81 year old cousin called to let me know she is at her daughter’s house recovering from a broken hip. At least a neighbor found her quickly and the neighbors are all taking care of her house and her mail while she is at the daughter’s house in another town.
I have told you about my illnesses and medical challenges. I also know we each have our own brokenness and sufferings. I learned years ago it is not good to compare my pain to someone else’s. We cannot know what goes on in another persons body and mind. It is not good to diminish our own problems by looking at other people and telling ourselves, “It’s not that bad,” when in fact for you personally, things can be bad.
Baby Francesca, you might remember, was born with a heart defect. I asked you to pray for her almost a year ago. She was in the hospital for almost a full year before a heart transplant came through. She had a very long surgery, but I am happy to report she is home now and doing well!
My friend’s husband was eventually readmitted to the hospital. Pray he cooperates with his treatment.
So what about your pain, my pain? Our personal pain and suffering is valid because it is ours. My pain does not compare to yours because only you can know what your pain does to you. We must learn to respect the suffering of others and also respect ourselves and what we suffer.
The revisionary surgery the doc wants to do on my toe sounds awful and painful, but the recovery of no weight bearing for 8 weeks is just as awful as the procedure itself. We do not struggle with cancer though I know a little bit about the pain of living with mental illness, but that is not in my marriage or my husband. I have never had a child with a life threatening heart condition. I can barely comprehend the joy of having that child healed, restored and released to my home. So far, Bob and I have not had to face cancer or its treatment in our later years of life. A hip fracture might be in my future or my husband’s, but not so far. Does that diminish what I might have to face?
Patience and empathy with one another is necessary. Kindness and offering help to others is what the Gospel calls us to do. How can you be Jesus with feet and hands to those around you who suffer?
We are also taught to be gentle with ourselves. If I have no grace for my own suffering then how authentic will my compassion be for others? Scripture says to “Love your neighbor AS yourself.” (Leviticus 19:18, Matthew 19:19, 22:39, Mark, Luke, Romans, Galatians and James) James calls it the royal law. James 2:8 NIV
Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves.
Here I add {We have not loved ourselves as You want us to.}
We are truly sorry and we humbly repent. For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and forgive us; that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name. Amen.BCP Post Communion Prayer
God made you and He loves you;therefore who are you to not love and cherish yourself. I am not talking about selfishness here. I am stressing self-care.
How are you at this skill? I encourage you to pray for those around you who are suffering. I also challenge you to touch the deep places of your soul to make certain you are doing your best to recognize your own needs. If you need prayer ask for it. Spend time with the Lord of your heart to learn about areas you may have neglected. Make certain you are transparent with yourself and with God. He loves you dearly, and expects no less from you towards yourself and your various struggles.
Trust Him to lead you in all paths of righteousness.
Wherever Your glory be best served, whenever, however; there, then, and in that state let me Your servant be; only hide not from me Your divine love.
Help me to trust You to the uttermost.
Teach me to serve You as You deserve; to give, and not to count the cost; to fight, and not to heed the wounds; to toil, and not to look for rest; to labor, and not to ask for reward save that of knowing that I am doing Your will.
Let nothing dim the light that shines from within., not even physical ailments!
Yes, I added, not even physical ailments. I cannot seem to catch a break. There is always something with this body! I decided to walk at least one mile a day in dedicated exercise time. I got a few blisters. Wrapped my toes with slip on cushions. Got blisters on top of blisters. Double slip on cushion, no improvement. Added a Band-aid over the great toe and the cushioned sleeves over that. No relief. Orthotics? Shoes? Just my feet?
Returned to the foot surgeon because I was clueless. The toe he put a steel plate in a few years ago (with six lovely screws) seems to be rising up again. Arthritis had made that toe begin to stick up in the first place. He went in during surgery, removed the bone, shaved it down, turned it over. Screwed it down with the plate. He showed me on the current x-ray that it cannot rise up as the bone tissue has grown over the plate now. But respecting how it feels to me, he ordered a CT scan of that toe.
October 2019 after surgery
In the meantime a more expert orthotist the surgeon knows is going to rebuild a pair of orthotics for me in an attempt to correct what the other guy did wrong. We will not order new shoes yet, though that might be in my near future. Blisters need to heal.
Grrr – you must understand I have never been athletic. As a fibromyalgia person I know that the best treatment is exercise, but I do not feel better after I exercise so I shun it when possible. Even with this summer heat, I had FINALLY talked myself into doing this walking and now I am told to only wear open-toed shoes while my toes heal. Told to stop reaching for this mile a day goal. To get in a pool, or try an elliptical, ride a bike, i.e., find some other form of exercise besides walking. He warned me that if I do change this I could be seeing him in the future for toe amputations. NO diabetic wants to hear that, although Bob and the doc do joke that it might be easier to just cut off my feet.
Let nothing dim the light – Oh Lord! I need your help. And just to add injury to blisters, etc. I stepped down off a little foot stool and happened to step onto one of my shoes. As I went down I twisted toe #4 and #5 underneath my foot. Was not certain if I broke them or not. Purple and sore. When doc did the routine x-ray of that foot he could not see a fracture. Said there is a possibility there is a hairline one that the x-ray did not show. He wrapped it with brown stretchy tape (there is a name for that) and told me to check the toes when I got home to make certain there was no redness from the wrap. Then wrap them anytime I would be walking. By the time I got home I took that tape off because of throbbing toes! It has not been put on again.
So what does this mean in terms of the Maya Angelou quote? Let NOTHING dim the light.
Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him JOB 13:15a
God has not kept my toes from blistering or my feet from having troubles. Even now, I will trust Him.
As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:36-39 NIV
Nothing can separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. I wrote a prayer likely in 2020 and it still rings true today.
I have determined that this day, each time I am drawn up short by pain, I will praise You for I love You better than life - even better than quality of life.
My mother had in her belongings “A Prayer for Those Growing Old.” One stanza read,
Seal my lips when I am inclined to tell of my aches and pains. They are increasing with the years and my love to speak of them grows sweeter as time goes by.
I write all of this to say if you are struggling with physical ailments try to keep Christ Jesus in mind. He never promised to heal every one of us during this lifetime. However, we are told in the book of Revelation that in the new heaven and new earth glorious things await us! There will be no more death, mourning, crying or pain (NIV). That is such a glorious thought it is almost inconceivable. I for one am willing to cling to those promises. Help me hang on to the end, Jesus.
Stay with each one of us, I pray. Fix our eyes on You and Your word. You promised You would never leave us or abandon us. Even to old age, and gray hair I will praise You and declare Your deeds (Psalm 71). You are worthy of our praise, all honor, glory and dominion. You have taught us there is so much more than just this physical life we know.
The lyric from “Show me Your Face” says I will make it to the end, If I can just see Your face, I know I will make it to the end, If I can just see Your face.
“Wherever Your glory is best served.” St. Ignatius prayer
I have no memory of the doctor or a tech taking me out of the cast. I do not remember any kind of physical therapy. I do remember the doctor talking with my mother about fears that one leg would be shorter than the other.
After the hospital I had anxiety about doctors and needles. My parents could not tell me about a doctor’s appointment the night before as I would get almost hysterical. Eventually I outgrew the fear. Though to this day I have to psych myself up a bit when there is a needle involved in medical treatment.
Years later while on a retreat I learned that the nuns serving at Good Samaritan Hospital were from the Sisters of Charity convent in Delhi. As an adult I thanked them for comforting this child.
About 1954Current day
My legs grew to the same length. Dr. McMath did a grand job caring for me. Sadly, my father died of heart disease when I was eleven years old. There were no treatments for heart disease in 1961. I never knew him as a man, just Daddy.
I never tried Double Dutch jump rope again. In fact, I have never been inclined to athletic activity. Hated gym class in elementary school. The Double Dutch jump rope incident stole all my confidence. My sister and I were most often unsupervised in our play activities. One day we were playing the garage and found my dad’s ladders for painting. I developed a fear of heights after a ladder slid down a wall while I was sitting on it. Landed hard on the concrete floor. Amazing now that I did not break my fingers where I was holding on. No one had ever had a need to teach me then that a ladder must be anchored before being used.
I find it amazing how our childhood experiences shape us as people. I married a kind man who became a medical technologist. This is the person in a hospital laboratory who can draw your blood and test any fluid that you can put out. In the beginning of our marriage, we were once sitting in a movie theater, and he was feeling the vein in my elbow. Freaked me out. He explained the need to practice. I calmed down. Now I am faced with needles daily: lancets, insulin needles, wearing a continuous glucose monitor, monthly drug injections.
After playing with the ladders, I still dislike heights. When we took our children to the CN Tower in Toronto we went to the observation deck. It is 113 floors above the ground and has a glass floor. I was holding on to the wall around the elevator as I walked around the observation deck. The children were laughing at me. As I walked, I came upon a woman crawling on the floor. Guess it could have been worse! Nope. Heights are not my thing!
From childhood trauma to needle fears then married to a Lab man, (They don’t call them blood suckers for nothing!). From Christian educated by the babysitter and dropped off at church to a Christ seeker who became the only Episcopalian in the family of origin. From fear of heights to challenging the fear for the sake of the children and a family vacation memory.
Our childhood impacts us, but not always for the good. Imprints formed during childhood are not washed away by time. Seventy years later they can still affect how I think and feel.
I have been asked to explore some other methods of telling my story besides the blog and poetry. So I have attempted to put a few memories down on paper. This will be a 2 part read since it has many more words than most blog posts ever attempt.
At age three I broke my thigh playing with my sister and her older friends in a neighbor’s driveway. They were doing Double Dutch jump rope where they swing two ropes simultaneously in opposite directions and you jump in on the side of one of the rope turners. (See photo above.) The girls let me try. I broke my leg. Obviously, way too complicated a sport for a 3-year-old. Someone ran to my house and told mom. She came to get me.
We rode to Good Samaritan hospital from Loveland to Clifton in the car. I was in the back seat. I only remember someone lifted me into the back seat. There were no freeways then. No idea how long it took us to get to Good Samaritan. I was taken to that hospital because my Dad was already admitted there with a heart attack.
The hospital doctors decided to put my leg in traction for six weeks to heal. I suppose they numbed my leg or more likely put me to sleep when they set my leg? I have no memory of that. When they put me in traction, I do remember being furious that they put me in diapers. I was so insulted. I was certainly fully potty trained! It was hot and there was no air conditioning. My long dark hair was cut off in a short choppy bob. Below is a photo of me in traction, hair cut short and sweating. Once while I was asleep, the staff brought my meal. When I awoke the milk was no longer cold. I loved cold milk. My mother obtained a glass of ice and poured my milk over it. I was so angry. I had never had milk like that. Could be I was a 3-year-old brat? Or simply confused and frustrated at my new situation.
One day during my stay they rolled my bed into the room where my dad was a patient. It was such an unusual situation for a young child. I do remember he talked with me and our hands touching.
Someone came to visit and brought me a white stuffed dog that I named Casey. He had a metal nose (which at age 73 I still have). His ears seemed to be made from real fur, sort of like a curly tanned hide. The rest of him was a stuffed white dog shape. Someone else brought me Brach’s cream filled Royal caramel rolls in a metal can. To this day I use that can for candy. Once I saw the same can used as a prop in a movie!
I do not remember there being a television in my room. I am certain televisions were not standard equipment in 1954. Certainly, no computer tablet to play upon. I might have tried to color, but lying down that would have been difficult! Hopefully someone read me stories.
After six weeks, my leg was put in a cast. I do remember being alone with the Sisters of Charity when they decided it was time to cast my leg. Somewhere to my side, across the room, there was a sink. Men in white coats came towards me with large white steaming sheets. I had no idea what those were. I was so frightened. Those men began to wrap my leg in the warm plaster preparation. The nuns comforted me. I left that hospital wanting to be a nun. I have no idea where my mother was during the casting. Perhaps she was not allowed in the treatment room? Maybe she was with my dad in the cardiac unit? All I do know is that the nuns (in full habits) comforted me. I went home in the cast.
I left the hospital wanting to be a nun. My parents bought me a Nun doll for Christmas. I have her tiny rosary in my keepsake cabinet. When I chose to be baptized my mother forbid me to become a Roman Catholic. She said my grandfather, a Methodist minister, would roll over in his grave. I eventually joined the Episcopal church. They came closest to what I felt was true worship. Also, as close as you can get to being a Catholic but without the Pope and such strong emphasis on Mary.
Doll sized rosary on tiny altar to remind me to make a of sacrifice of praise to the Lord our God
It must have been difficult for my mom to care for me, especially while my dad recovered from yet another heart attack. I do know we had a babysitter named Myrtle. Towards the end of her life, she wanted to see my sister and me one more time. She visited us because she was dying of cancer. She gave my sister and me a tiny white New Testament and signed it “Love, Myrt and Gerald.” My first and at times best New Testament! I still have it and use it occasionally.
I have no memory of the doctor or a tech taking me out of the cast. I do not remember any kind of physical therapy. I do remember the doctor talking with my mother about fears that one leg would be shorter than the other.
As you read this I am on my way to a six night, seven day retreat with my spiritual director. I made this adventure last year and am really looking forward to the experience once again. So I likely will not be posting on the blog next week. My typical routine is to write on Monday and Tuesday mornings and post Wednesday through Sunday. This week I will reside in a Sisters of Charity guest room. Private room with half bath, shared but private shower room. All meals included plus nice grounds for walking, rooms for prayer, art work. Just a lovely place. They even have a huge church in the building if I want to go there.
We changed from one internet/TV/phone provider to another last week so Bob in particular has been busy, busy this week with setting up remote controls, learning the remote basics and getting us all situated. I typed a smaller channel guide from the large one they provided.
I have been learning how to use the CGM, (Continuous Glucose Monitor) to make my decisions about foods I eat, how often I eat, etc. The two most annoying things are when the alarm from this device rings in the night and when it loses signal. I even changed the device implanted on my arm on my own this week! Took out the old one (painless). Inserted the new one which was painless but still foreign to me. The hardest thing was getting the container for the new one open. I had to get Bob to do it. I was not strong enough. Grrr. Doctor has changed when I take one of the diabetic medications. We are still working to adjust some aspects of my care.
Lucky, our special beagle is improving with her new monthly arthritis injection, Librela. Her tail is much more straight as she walks now and she can walk further than 2 months ago. She still gets stiff (we can relate!) but she seems to be in much less pain.
Bob has resumed riding his bike at least once a week. We both walk for exercise most every morning. I have been clocking at least one mile a day. Told myself I can take a day off when there is morning rain. Trying to work up to longer walks which will be a challenge in this hot, humid weather. Ha! at the convent I can even walk when it rains! No idea how many times I will need to circle a floor to get a mile! Not quite ready to attempt their indoor stairs.
Three old dogs living here and maybe not new tricks, but adapting to changing ages, technology and health. Whew! It can be a lot of work to keep up, stay calm and work at something you are unfamiliar with. So that is the Dutina update!
I pray you are each doing your fair share of adapting to change and growing in new technological advances!
New Month and at the end we will be halfway through 2024. How did that happen?
The epidural I had did not take away the pain in my back/hip. The pain specialist decided I will benefit from a “Medial Branch Block.” Medicare requires two trial injections first. So I will go in this month and have the first injection. He says we should be able to tell immediately if it is effective. Then I return for a followup visit. They will then schedule the second trial. If that also works, I will get an injection that basically will burn the nerve that goes to that hip. It is not supposed to impair anything else. Relief can last 6-9 months? When the nerve grows back he can administer the burning of the nerve repeatedly without the trial injections. That is good news to me. I was plenty discouraged when the pain was there after the previous injection.
And more good new! Baby Francesca got he new heart and should be headed home soon. Lucky dog has responded well to first injection of arthritis medication. She has now had her second and things are looking good for her!
This month I also get to make another 6 day retreat with a spiritual director. I am so looking forward to that! Last year I learned so much about myself and my direction. This year my quest is similar.
I am seeking what the Lord would want me to do with all this writing. I believe I am to take selections from the blog and rework them, perhaps for a booklet? I will remove YouTube links and multiple photos. Trying to get at the gist of what I am saying … Words fail me to tell you more.
Suffice it to say if you have favorites among what you have read on this blog I would love to hear from you what that selection is. You can refer to the date or title. I am fairly certain I can locate with just that info. It is very hard to re-read what I have written and choose a few favorites for myself. I have 3 local people looking through the printouts and marking them with post-its. Rewriting will take a lot of work, but I don’t mind writing work. Just trying to find where I go, what I do from here.
Thanks for your help!
I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. Psalm 16:7 NIV
Praise the Lord, all his works everywhere in his dominion.
Things that used to be a breeze are now So Very Difficult Routines of self-care take longer and longer. Maybe complicated is a better descriptor?
Not enough to brush my teeth (what few teeth remain). And use the expensive toothpaste the hygienist insists upon. Now there must be floss, rubbery pick, fluoride toothpaste AND DON’T RINSE!
Take bedtime medications, but remember to do it before caring for the teeth because I AM NOT TO RINSE AFTERWARDS. Don’t forget the Tylenol and the other over the counter pill that aids with sleep. Inject the right units of insulin.
Use the fluoride rinse if you can fit it in. Perhaps do that after I eat breakfast? Use that rubbery pick thing after every meal. Last night after dinner I used it while watching TV. Then I noticed that some of the green bristles were missing. WAIT a minute!! Aren’t we supposed to be careful NOT to ingest plastic? Oi, the drama never ends!
Once a month inject that biologic that crushes the psoriasis. Thank goodness the pharmaceutical company provides it free of cost. Have to mark it on the calendar just like the dog’s tablet for anti-flea medication.
Now I am going to be wearing a continuous glucose monitor. Medicare covers the cost of that thing. The doctor’s office will teach us how to install it. Another insert-able thing, this one in the back of my arm. “Not always the same arm, not always the same place, not in a lump or scar.” Monitor should link to my iPhone to give readouts. If I link it to the reader they sent, I cannot use my iPhone to get the readings. Supposed to help teach me the impact of what I eat by showing me moment to moment what my blood glucose is. Check readout before each meal. If it goes too high I am to inject more insulin. They will have to teach me how much and when. This seems like a lot to manage. I will also need to change the device weekly.
Wait! I was taught to check my glucose 2 hours after eating. I smack my forehead and groan. I confuse easily!
Oh, I am a lot to manage!
Does continuous monitor mean I no longer have to begin the day with a finger stick? Well, at first I have to do both. Crap. I get so tired of needles.
Add to that the stretches as I continue to recover from shoulder surgery. If the plantar fasciitis flares up return to doing those stretches, too.
Oh by gosh, by golly! I feel as old as Santa and a lot less spry. Bob reminds me that I have “better living through modern chemistry.” So I fill the prescription boxes for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bedtime, 2 weeks worth. I always say a prayer of gratitude that I am able to afford the medications I need.
The iPhone says if I want to add the weather to my watch face that is called a “complication.” Same for the date and time. I suppose I am just a ‘complicated’ woman. Glad to be cared for, even if I complain. I tell God, “I’m trying.” God replies, “Yes, dear, very trying.”
Learning to turn all of this from overwhelming to let God have it. The Trinity is willing and able to direct my steps and help me walk through these things. I name them one by one and ask the Holy One to direct my steps. I relinquish these challenges to You and ask for comfort and wisdom in how to manage all of it.
But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. James 3:17 NLT
Eventually, new things can become routine. Does anyone know how to make certain I take the lunch pills at lunch and don’t forget them?
Treasures in Plain Sight, A Christian Blog 