Just as I talk with you, the readers, prayer is relationship. There are times when you comment on this blog and that thrills me. That is relationship in action. You certainly have relationships with others who have eloquent language skills and yet you relate to them just fine. Prayer is relationship. Or perhaps you have another friend who usually mispronounces, uses slang and colloquial sayings, yet you get along together just fine. Just so, talking with God is prayer. Your communication establishes relationship.
I have been talking with God about what to do with this writing. I think I have a first step understood, and perhaps the second one, also. I am re-reading the blog and pulling out times I mentioned prayer. Then I am going to re-write those selections in preparation for hiring an editor to help me go through them. With God’s help I will eventually publish a book or booklet for the encouragement of others.
I have adapted Basilea Schlink’s prayer when she and her community were praying about expanding their convent:
Lord, I believe I have heard You say I am to go forward with writing about our life together. I believe you will guide and direct me. I believe You will finance this next project. I believe I have Your permission to pursue this. And as each obstacle appears, I seek a reminder for deeper repentance, lest any inward attitude blocks the release of Your blessing.
All praises to our King as He goes before us, behind and within us.
Peace is letting go – returning to the silence that cannot enter the realm of words because it is too pure to be contained in words. by Malidoma Patrice Some
“The silence that cannot enter the realm of words” … what might I write about that? I have been there. I may return there. You must go to that place for yourself. Enough said.
I pray you will choose right after the time you are reading this to slip into that silence and rest in God’s presence. It will not be a waste of your time!
12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:12-14
One person said, “It is not my grip on Christ, but His grip upon me.” Do you ever doubt the grip of Christ? He who bears the nail scarred hands in His resurrected body is not weakened by the suffering He endured. He is stronger since His resurrection from the dead than He was before His death. Brandon Lake sings “there is more strength, more power in the hem of His garment than in the camp of the enemy. ” I firmly believe that. Do you?
The Garments of God visual reflection of poem by Jessica Powers. Painted by Doris Klein, CSA
Yes, I need to keep a grip upon Christ. This poem reflects that sentiment.
God sits on a chair of darkness in my soul. He is God alone, supreme in His majesty. I sit at His feet, a child in the dark beside Him; my joy is aware of His glance and my sorrow is tempted to nest on the thought that His face is turned from me. He is clothed in the robes of His mercy, voluminous garments - not velvet or silk and affable to the touch, but fabric strong for a frantic hand to clutch, and I hold to it fast with the fingers of my will. Here is my cry of faith, my deep avowal to the Divinity that I am dust. Here is the loud profession of my trust. I need not go abroad to the hills of speech or the hinterlands of music for a crier to walk in my soul where all is still. I have this potent prayer through good or ill: here in the dark I clutch the garments of God. Selected Poetry of Jessica Powers (Kansas City: Sheed & Ward), 1989
That just sums it up for me so powerfully. Just like my times with God in the basement under-stairs closet, I can clutch the hem of His garments and know He loves me. He sees me. I am known.
I pray you will sit at His feet as Brandon sings you this refrain. May your faith be strengthened, too!
Our dog, Lucky, loves to shred stuffed toys. She takes her time and usually makes a right mess. Kohl’s has a program where they offer stuffed toys and/or story books for $5 each. Proceeds go to charity. I have found these are safe for Lucky as they do not have hard plastic eyes, etc. On occasion I go purchase a few and put them up in the closet until she is ready for a new one. Recently I disposed of the Cat in the Hat after she had taken the stuffing out of his arms, legs and hat. I replaced it with One Fish. Are you familiar with the Dr. Seuss book, One Fish, Two Fish? Lucky loves to rest in our bedroom every afternoon. No clue as to why? I recently went in the bedroom and there was One Fish, turned over it made Two fish and next to that was …. wait for it.
One fishTwo fishSCHOOL of fish, stuffing all over the rug!
One day after chewing on One Fish for a while she took a nap on top of it!
Our friends, Betty and Dan, live in big sky country. We sometimes get a vaguely similar effect here. Recently when walking Lucky in the morning I was delighted with this sky.
Oh the glory of His Presence!
When I asked Bob to take this photo I called it the last bouquet of the summer. Yet the nasturtiums continue to bloom. I do not have the heart to tear them out of the garden until a very hard freeze. I might have to smash some of them though in order to capture the chipmunk that has taken up residence in our front flower bed for 2 years now, grrr!
I placed them in vase on our kitchen counter. A friend came in and asked where I got those flowers? My delighted answer was, “The garden!”
The person I have been concerned about is getting treatment. Much to the delight of those who love that person, several different modalities are being used to approach healing. Pray they find the best medication with the least side effects to promote healing. The quote below is true of my situation the last couple of weeks.
Admitting grief does not diminish us, it strengthens us and makes us more compassionate.
TREBBE JOHNSON
I am doing much better with my own mental health after prayer, listening to an Old Testament story in several versions and taking notes on it. Seeing how this story is also direction from the Father as to how I can move forward. Talking with a compassionate friend has also helped. This has not been an easy 2 weeks, but there is light at the end of the tunnel and it is not a freight train!
May you have the courage to admit your own grief. May you find the strength in that admission. May you be willing to do the work necessary to create a deeper compassion within you.
At the shores of Living Water Hear crickets there Flow of Living Water invites me deeper, Quieter Center in pure love You died to give me radiant love Your Spirit pulls me from the rubble of death With Your power You breathe life into me Help me live to You Invade me at a greater depth Use me as Your singing bowl Your love and power going forth Like sound waves in every direction Bring the world into vibrating harmony.
You said all weary and Heavy burdened should come to You Here we are Please rest us in Your Presence
Breathing in You Breathing out me Your oxygen of Life My troubles unpacked Burdens taken from my arms Cares cast and put down
Embers of my faith Blown upon Rekindled Ignited A light in the darkness And darkness cannot put it out
Your call eclipses physical pain, even emotional pain Straightens my spine In service to You Anointing by eternal power Holiness of God in broken vessel Yet renewed day by day As Living Water I yield to Your flow The “i” seeks lowest ground You in ascendancy.
I was recently reminded about a story by Elisabeth Elliot regarding a priest with tinnitus and how he used it as a place for unceasing prayer.
On page 91 of A Path Through Suffering she writes, “He has elected to regard this ‘little problem,’ as he calls it, as an opportunity rather than a curse.”
“Waking up in the morning to the sound of a thousand crickets is not pleasant. Thank God, during the day I’m busy and I seldom advert to it, but the din never stops.”
“Instead of offering canned advice to others he simply tells how he crossed over from a frantic search for relief to a relatively calm condition of acceptance. He believes that the greatest honor he can give God is to live gladly because of the knowledge of His love. His happiness he regards as a sign of gratitude to God, so nothing must spoil it; therefore, he thinks of tinnitus as a friend, not an enemy. He pretends that the shrill sound in his head is an echo of the song of the universe, as all the earth blesses the Lord – the birds, the rivers, the howling winds.
“‘I let the buzzing in my ears become my unceasing prayer of praise. ‘Cry out with joy to the Lord, all the earth. Serve the Lord with gladness. Come before him, singing for joy.'”
“It isn’t the problems that determine our destiny. It’s how we respond.”
So the poem above by me and the poem below by Anne Porter both ring out with this praise.
Before The Frost These are the nights When every cricket sings When in the dark around us There is a flowering Jubilant Continuous Festival of crickets
They sing together all night long Drawing a pulsing Chiming joy Out of the dryness Of their tiny bodies
The sky Is black and clear tonight The stars in their mountain villages Glitter in silence
But in the trilling crickets Among the autumn grasses The stars Have found their voices.
Crickets at the shores of Living Water. Crickets among the autumn grasses. Crickets as a song of the universe blessing the Lord, even if it sounds like tinnitus. Unceasing prayer of praise. We have so many opportunities to praise the Lord. Carry on!
Harry Chapin wrote and sang a song about Mr. Tanner. He was a dry cleaner and he loved to sing. His friends pressured him to go to New York to have an agent for singers who wanted to advance their careers provide him with a concert venue. The lyrics say, “Music was his life, it was not his livelihood. He did not know how well he sang; it just made him whole.”
The reviews after his concert were not terrific. He never sang again, except late at night when he was alone in the dry cleaning shop. I do not want to become Mr. Tanner. There are interesting videos on YouTube of the actual man who inspired “Mr. Tanner.” His name is Martin Tubridy. There is even a video of the song at a benefit concert for the Harry Chapin foundation where he sings the lines attributed to him. The real-life story is that Martin did not give up his singing career.
A few of my friends have encouraged me to explore publishing my writing. Mostly I feel nudges from the Lord. I have come to the realization that my writing may not ever make it into publication, (no I have not stopped trying). There is a massive work for selection of pieces and re-writing of those pieces that would have to occur. I will most definitely need an editor. (Average pay is $30 an hour.) I am not getting any younger. This writing about my life with Christ keeps me whole. I am so grateful for those who read the blog regularly.
So I continue to ask prayers for guidance from the Lord on how to proceed with all this. As phone calls and appointments interrupt my writing time and life overall intrudes, I will need to carve away dedicated time for the work. The Lord assured me months ago that it would indeed be work.
October 18 is one of the most memorable days ever. My husband was born on this day. I am so grateful that God directed us to each other. Christ has kept us together for 54 years. No, not every moment has been unicorns and rainbows, but our love has grown deeper with each challenge. We have raised 2 children, now are blessed with 3 grandchildren. Bob has made a way for us to retire in relative comfort. We are some of the wealthiest people in the world. Not just financially, for that we are not, but we are rich in faith, love, blessings, joy, humor out the wazoo (mostly thanks to Bob).
This man is a gracious person to everyone he meets. Even as I type this he is serving the needy at Inter Parish Ministry.
Serving picnic food on a sweltering evening with Empower Youth ministry
He will serve as an Election Official at the upcoming election. I know what a high cost that is physically, yet he does it as a matter of civic duty. Since he serves in the district where we live he also enjoys getting to see his neighbors who come to vote.
Since retirement he has taken on the duty of major dish washer in our home. That is besides being the auto maintenance person, general overseer of finances, etc., etc., etc.
This man is a blessing to me beyond my words to describe. There is so much more to say, but I will leave it at that.
Happy Birthday Robert. I love you dearly. Guess I best get busy with that carrot cake he loves!
i foudn the photo above from our collected photos. It reminds me of a winged cloud. Before leaving on retreat I posted on Facebook Psalms 69:20 insults have broken my heart, so that I am in despair. I added the sometimes used phrase “But God…” leaving open the door for God to touch and change me, a reversal of usually negative consequences I might dream up. Then I left for retreat hoping to silence the compulsive thoughts and worries, focus on the Living Christ.
In her book, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach I learned the following
As we lean into our experience of the moment – releasing our stories and gently holding our pain or desire – Radical Acceptance begins to unfold. The two parts of genuine acceptance – seeing clearly and holding our experience with compassion – are as interdependent as the two wings of a great bird. Together. They enable us to fly and be free.
SEEING CLEARLY
HOLDING OUR EXPERIENCE WITH COMPASSION
How did I forget this lesson? I had worked hard 5 years ago studying the book, writing out the phrases that helped me the most, trying to keep the concepts before me. So I once again needed to revisit the wisdom on how to cope with this upset. I wrote pages about how I was feeling. I moved towards holding my experience with compassion but not allowing myself to enter the slimy bog of self-pity. That was work indeed!
I learned the person had checked themselves out of the hospital. Within a few hours I received an apology text. The next day I received another apology text. I sat with my feelings, trying to see them clearly, realizing a text or two would not heal the deep wounds. I held that personal experience with compassion and began to let it go. The wounding no longer held the immensity of a riptide or a massive storm surge, yet neither was it gone. There will come a time the pattern of wounding needs be addressed with the person.
Tara teaches that acceptance and compassion are like 2 wings of a great bird. After typing out notes from her book I told the Lord I need a bird to sit before me to remind me throughout the rest of the retreat to hold those two things for myself. Earlier I had visited the Convent bookstore and as I reached for a book on a shelf I broke an item. I immediately bought the item and said I would repair it for myself. An hour later I wondered where I could get glue, in silence, at the convent?!
Since it was Friday afternoon and silence had not yet begun, I was typing my notes at a Starbucks. After finishing my coffee I remembered that two blocks away was a Walmart. So I went there in search of superglue. When I got back to my room I smacked my head as I remembered the glue was to repair the tiny china bird I had broken. With a few attempts I was finally able to get its tail glued back on in the right position. Yes, stress was certainly playing a number on my brain since I did not remember I already HAD a bird!
So this Buddhist psychologist has helped me more than once to embrace the truth of Christ and move from what felt like devastating emotions to a place of equilibrium and calm. A calm that can only come in my experience from the Living God Who promises to never leave me or forsake me. A Risen Lord who promises to stay with me to the very end of the age. (Deuteronomy 31:6, Matthew 28:20)
From Gratitude daily quotes I read this:
If we begin to get in touch with whatever we feel with some kind of kindness, our protective shells will melt, and we’ll find that more areas of our lives are workable.
PEMA CHÖDRÖN
Some people do not think as Christians that we can glean wisdom from other faiths, but I disagree. The woman above is yet another Buddhist and she has helped me in a few areas that seemed blocked with emotions and unmovable. Yet here, she echoed what I had been working on. Kindness towards what I have been feeling and getting to a place where that area is more workable.
I thank my God for all the ways He reaches and touches me bringing me closer to Him and the offer of wholeness and holiness. Praise His Name forevermore.
There is no better explanation {of acceptance} than Jon Kabat-Zinn’s in “Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World Through Mindfulness”:
“Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is — especially when you don’t like it — and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed.” (p.407)
In other words, desiring the world to be something it is not at the moment, is stopped, and ruminating thoughts about how things “should be” are put aside. Then, you can change what can be changed.
Struggling with this mental illness that has reared its ugly head again, I find myself nose to nose with acceptance. Yes, I have been here before, but this episode has been the worst ever. I have put aside rudeness and personal insults for years. This month hit me hard. Perhaps it is all the times the same nonsense has occurred? Scar tissue is weaker than normal tissue. Maybe as I approach age 74 I have just had enough.
Years ago I learned that accepting something does not mean I approve of the thing.
Acceptance ≠ Approval
Some time, some place I bought this card and placed it inside the kitchen cabinet door.
Acceptance doesn’t mean giving in or giving up. It means giving yourself completely to God’s plan for your life, trusting that He always wants what’s best for you, and will help you meet every challenge with courage. For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Acceptance ≠ Approval
So I am trying to do good self-care. I am trying to detach with love. Praying for courage to go forward. Focus upon my life and my needs helps this process. It seems no coincidence that the retreat at Transfiguration coincided with this crisis of mental illness arising again. It helped to talk with another woman who lives on the grounds and has her own experience with mental illness in someone she is close to emotionally. I felt something in me shift when she described her person as “His brain is broken.”
Mindfulness means bringing your brain and emotions to the current moment. Not wishing for something else. We can actually increase our suffering by clinging to what we wish instead of what actually IS.
Another website entitled Break Free from Toxic Relationships pointed out:
Emotional detachment can be a challenging but necessary process for your personal growth and well-being. It’s an important step towards untangling yourself from toxic relationships that rob you of joy and ruin your mental health.
While challenging, emotionally detaching paves the way to healing and fulfilling relationships and is worth the effort. If you have trouble disengaging from a toxic individual, seek professional help.
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My pockets, my wallet, by house are now scattered with the DOES NOT EQUAL symbol. ≠
No, I do not approve of what is happening. However, I must accept it all the same. I will with God’s help. “Accept the things I cannot change.”
Treasures in Plain Sight, A Christian Blog 