Category: Aging

Posted on in Aging, Book quotes, Challenge, Faith, Just do it, Listen, Music, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Thanks, Traveling, Yield

Lay Your Burdens Down

On my way to prayer time one morning I heard this song in my heart.

The song makes it sound easy. Check your shame at the door. Lay your burdens down. The true story is we must be willing to let go of those things.

In 1678 John Bunyan published “The Pilgrim’s Progress.” The main character, Christian, carried a burden in the story. This is an allegory of Christian life, “a symbolic vision of the good man’s pilgrimage through life.” There are characters and monsters, difficulties and challenges. Christian carries a heavy burden on his back. All these things occur on his way to the Celestial City.

Christian RAN, but not without great difficulty, because of the heavy load on his back. He ran on thus until he came to a place where there was a hill, and upon that hill stood a Cross; and a little below, at the bottom was a sepulcher.

Modern English edition of Pilgrim’s Progress

Sepulcher means a burial vault, tomb or grave.

“So I saw in my dream that just as Christian came up to the Cross, his burden fell off his shoulders and back, and began to tumble, until it came to the mouth of the sepulcher, where it fell in, and I saw it no more!”

Modern English edition of Pilgrim’s Progress

My question is why do we have to be urged to lay our burdens down? It seems too often we enjoy punishing ourselves for faults and failures. As if we could be the ultimate judge of our own character! Perhaps our burdens “for” others is truly just our desire to control and direct their paths as if we think ourselves omniscient?

Bunyan encourages us to give our burdens over to the cross and the empty tomb. Let your burden roll away and be seen no more. Let the Christ of the Cross take care of you and your burdens. He is more than able.

If we released all that burden-carrying energy into simple love and adoration of Christ our relationship with God would truly change.

Until we reach the Celestial City we are kept by our Father. The indwelling Spirit can check our behavior with a conviction that is beyond any church doctrine or moral code. The Holy One can lead and guide us, protect and correct us if we are willing to come under the authority given from heaven.

Perhaps this is a challenge that can lead you into a new phase of your spiritual life? Here is the song Christian sang at the end of this chapter.

"Thus far did I come laden with my sin;
Nor could anything ease the grief that I was in.
Until I came here, What a place is this!
This must be the beginning of my bliss!

"For here, the burden fell from off my back,
And here, the chains that bound it to me, did crack!
Blessed cross! Blessed sepulcher! Blessed rather be,
The Man who there, was put to shame for me!"
Posted on in Aging, Faith, Humor, Illness and Health, medical treatment

Itchy Itchy OH SO ITCHY!!

There is a saying, “After 40 it’s patch, patch, patch.” I have been saying, “After 70 we just crumble.” No joke. I was diagnosed last year with plaque psoriasis on my scalp. Now a friend has it, too. She even gets it in her ears.

Mayo Clinic says: Psoriasis is a skin disease that causes a rash with itchy, scaly patches, most commonly on the knees, elbows, trunk and scalp.

Psoriasis is a common, long-term (chronic) disease with no cure. It can be painful, interfere with sleep and make it hard to concentrate. The condition tends to go through cycles, flaring for a few weeks or months, then subsiding for a while. Common triggers in people with a genetic predisposition to psoriasis include infections, cuts or burns, and certain medications.

Psoriasis is thought to be an immune system problem that causes skin cells to grow faster than usual. In the most common type of psoriasis, known as plaque psoriasis, this rapid turnover of cells results in dry, scaly patches.

The cause of psoriasis isn’t fully understood. It’s thought to be an immune system problem where infection-fighting cells attack healthy skin cells by mistake. Researchers believe that both genetics and environmental factors play a role. The condition is not contagious.

No one ever wants to hear the words chronic and no cure in the same sentence about themselves. Well, here we are again! At least we know it is not contagious!

I mean crumble, literally. The plaques itch and I am told not to scratch them as that can lead to hair loss. Oh great! I could become bald, too? Because frankly, it is almost an unconscious thing to scratch these areas. And when I do scratch them, there are crumbs, not tiny dandruff flakes, more like actual crumbs of scalp that drop off. Just lovely. If you want to see photos look them up on your web browser. Too gross to post here.

An auto-immune problem. Whole other type of AI. Poop. Maybe we should turn the Artificial Intelligence bot brains loose on this one and see if they can develop a safe cure?

I realize this is not life threatening. It is not cancer, or leukemia, heart disease, stroke. Just a miserable auto-immune ailment with no cure. If you have this I wish you luck. There are treatments meant to alleviate some of the symptoms for some of the time. But the symptoms return. I hope you can get a respite from them.

I feel rather like a dog! More like a woman with her hand on her head, scratching, scratching, shedding.

Yet you, Lord, are our Father.
    We are the clay, you are the potter;
    we are all the work of your hand.

Isaiah 64:8 NIV

This is one where I will ask the Father, “What were you thinking?” Maybe like chronic pain it is meant to call me back into His Presence?

Posted on in Aging, Book quotes, Challenge, Faith, Family, Humor, Illness and Health, Just do it, medical treatment, Thanks, Yield

Yikes

This week for me holds appointment to get new orthotics and shoes. I do not meet the medicare criteria even though diabetic. Thus, the appointment will be self-pay.

Another appointment for physical therapy. Only opening was during my writing time Tuesday. Good thing I worked ahead!

Another appointment for check up with internist. Are you getting the picture?

We have a dinner to celebrate someone turning 82.

There is an ice cream social with another small group. Figure 20 some folks.

I have been taking Imodium AGAIN this morning. Fear to eat and headache that comes with that running to the bathroom. So back to Tylenol.

So far, Monday has brought a lousy week here.

But, who me? Complain?!? Yep, that’s me.

When my son was very young I was cleaning the bathroom one day and thanked God that I could kneel before HIS throne and not just the one in the bathroom. This week I likely have the cleanest ceramic throne on the entire street!

Grateful we have good medical care and can afford (so far) the things we need to pay for out of pocket. Wish doctors were not ‘practicing” on us and actually had some answers for some of this stuff.

Grumble, grumble old lady.

I am not as hearty as I think I am.

So how did it all work out? A week after I wrote the top part here is my report . New orthotics and shoes are on order. Physical therapy was not as painful as feared. I have done the exercises every day, so far. (Trying to be good for strength and healing.) At dinner for 82 year old I ate some food though not a good appetite. Regretted it the next day.

Saw the internist. He ordered oodles of tests. All the results came back normal. WHAT?!?! So what is the cause of all these bathroom runs? Might never know. He sent Rx for stronger than Imodium drug. Before I took even one dose it all stopped occurring. Thank You Lord.

Maybe eating a sampler (or flight) of ice cream flavors healed me? If only that were true!

So 2-1/2 weeks of the green apple quick trots and I am fine now. Truly. My friend with sciatic pain is still suffering. Bob’s lungs are enjoying clear air this morning after lightning storm moved through last night. They say we are to have rain storms today. Part of me is hoping so.

Pain since Thanksgiving in shoulder is not gone, but no longer consuming all of my attention. Lifting things carefully and trying to use it more than last number of months.

Tonight is Bob’s last meeting as an HOA board member. Tomorrow he works at the election. A draining week for him for certain.

John Eldredge reminds us in Resilient that these are this we are going through. Going through – not necessarily setting up housekeeping here. I am glad to know this in not my final home. I love that Scripture calls me an alien, a sojourner.

Dear friends, since you are immigrants and strangers in the world, I urge that you avoid worldly desires that wage war against your lives. 12 Live honorably among the unbelievers. Today, they defame you, as if you were doing evil. But in the day when God visits to judge they will glorify him, because they have observed your honorable deeds.

1 Peter 2: 11-13 CEB

Immigrants and strangers, just wish the locals would not share their green apple quick trots and other ailments with us! Okay, so it is a little out of context, but you get the idea I hope!

Life is hard she shouted!
Posted on in Aging, Challenge, Faith, Illness and Health, Journal, medical treatment, Prayer, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth

Aging with Minimal Complaining?

Gee, did I just write that title? Sitting here at my desk watching a black cloud settling in to pour it’s rain over a nearby neighborhood, I have been pondering all the physical changes Bob and I have been going through. Sort of like having that black cloud park over our home. I was hit by a triple whammy recently.

Had a steroid injection in my right shoulder on a Monday afternoon. Just imagine the most tender spot in your body, put a needle in it. Inject steroids and see what happens. As a Type 2 diabetic those steroids (and every other situation) make my glucose react. This time to jump sky-high. Yes, next morning my glucose value was 210! I average around 79-110. Pounding headache arrived that Tylenol could not touch. Night #1 slept in recliner as no comfort to be found in the bed. Did not even try to go to sleep in the bed on Night #2. Meantime, I must have eaten something funky. In protest my bowels decided they must be emptied of all substances.

Before those things began my ear decided it was living underwater – or some such, with fluid that would not move out. Eventually, the steroid stopped making my glucose skyrocket. The BRAT diet of banana, rice, applesauce, and toast became just rice. Then a rice cake. After days of trying to hear my ear is still funky after plain Guaifenesin and Pseudoephedrine to try to dry it up. One ear felt left out so it too started to slosh. Shoulder is still touchy. Did not expect injection to heal the partial tear, just give some pain relief. Doc is still talking surgery. Need to sign up for PT. Again.

Meanwhile, Bob has had lung difficulties, pain that wakes him in the night, discomfort that makes it hard to sleep. You know, aging is NOT for sissies! Who knew the decline that comes with aging is not just losing your strength.Nothing here is unusual to humans. If we are blessed with a long life we will have illness, decline and perhaps suffering.

One neighbor fell at the community mailbox and bruised both eyes, chin, face and is fortunate not to have broken anything. Later turned out she did break her elbow. Another neighbor fell in his bathroom and needs shoulder surgery. The doc says he cannot repair both places, only one place in his shoulder. Another friend fell and broke her pelvis. Has been suffering all kinds of severe pain. Another friend flew home from Kentucky only to get home with fever, sore throat and likely Covid. Is it that new strain?

Photo by Sai Abhinivesh Burla on Unsplash

As we lose strength, dexterity and even our health can we fix our eyes on Jesus during these trials? Will we do our best to remember these are things we are going through? It seems when I experience these sorts of set-backs I never quite recover the strength I had prior to the event. Just a little slower, a little weaker, a little less young when things stabilize again.

Perhaps the most important lesson to hold on to is ‘these are things we going THROUGH, not camping here, just having to endure.’ Even chronic pain will not go on forever. When we die and go to Jesus we are promised a new body. Thank goodness for that! Cling to Jesus now. Like the tendril on this morning glory vine sculpture, we wrap our hearts and minds about Him the best we can. He holds us. We hold to Him.

Again and again I am brought back to my own prayer,

I have determined that this day, 

each time I am drawn up short by pain, 

I will praise You 

for I love You better than life – 

even better than quality of life.

Molly Lin Dutina

I am always amazed that if I pray this with focus and sincerity, (usually from a 4 x 6 card), my attention is drawn to Jesus and away from all the what-ifs and if-onlys. We cannot control our circumstances, but we can control our hearts, our mind-set. Using the pain to draw myself back to Christ is a powerful panacea.

Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash

May you lean hard upon the One who loves you best and knows you even in the sleepless nights. Blessings, Molly D.

Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Isaiah 46:4 NIV

Posted on in Aging, Challenge, Faith, Family, Poetry, Prayer, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Yield

Loneliness

The vile mud pot that bubbles through my life. Wants to contaminate everything. Makes me irritable. Unable to see the best in others.

There was a poem I found that helped a bit. I first read this while on retreat recently. I believe Joan Chittister had it in one of her devotional books.

Home of My Loneliness   by Karl Rahner

In the curve of my heart 
lies a hollow place 
where grudging loneliness asks a welcome. 
In that empty chamber of solitairiness 
You rest Your consistent, welcoming love 
on the heartsick and patterned 
discontent of my gloomy days 
and shredded dreams. 
You care for my loneliness with affection 
during the times when no one 
and no thing soothes 
the deep yearning 
sitting listlessly 
inside the arid place of my discontented self. 
The Home of Loneliness welcomes me.

As I found solace in this poem I also remembered a piece of coral we found in Hawaii.

“You rest, Your consistent, welcoming love,” “You care for my loneliness with affection”. The Holy One knows my hollow place. I am held in that consistent, welcoming love. My loneliness, which at times I detest and want to deny is cared for by the Trinity. Even that place. Even those feelings.

Chronic illness has taught me so much about loneliness. Only those who have suffered can truly understand the plight of the chronically sick. The ambivalence of taking medication that may or may not help. The side effects that can send you into a ‘tizzy.” The wisdom of prayer and listening to your own body when making decisions about self-care. The Word says to ask God and He will give you wisdom. James 1:5-6 NIV

Photo by Tijs van Leur on Unsplash

My parents dying when I was young (aged eleven when Dad died, aged 24 when Mom died) has taught we so much about loneliness. When your family of origin is gone when you are just forming your own family, the word difficult does not describe the impact upon your life.

Next time you sense that “deep yearning sitting listlessly inside the arid place of (your) discontented self” I urge you to turn that place and those feelings to the Holy One. The internet says there one hundred verses about God holding us in or with His hand.

Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.

Psalm 73:23 NIV

Once during a retreat I spent several hours walking the retreat grounds and envisioning the Lord holding my right hand. Though that was many years ago, to this day I remember how poignant that experience was. You might want to try that for yourself. The Holy Trinity is always with us and walks close, even when we are unaware.

Photo by Iryna Marienko on Unsplash
Posted on in Aging, Family, Humor, Music, Thanks, Traveling, Yield

Her Choice

Recently we were watching a PBS series entitled Southern Storytellers. Online synopsis reads, “Southern creators of literature, music and film explore deep ties with the South: Billy Bob Thornton reflects on a life of writing songs and screenplays; Adia Victoria celebrates music and marriage near Nashville; David Joy laments the loss of the Appalachian culture he loves; Jericho Brown reveals the South to be essential to his creativity; and Mary Steenburgen remembers her Arkansas childhood.”

We thoroughly enjoyed each person’s story. I especially liked Mary Steenburgen’s song that she wrote for her husband, Ted Danson. I share it here with you and ask that you remember Bob Dutina, my husband of 52 years and 9 months, so far! He is a fabulous husband indeed!

My One and Only in Hawaii

embed https://youtu.be/xxj2oofQffo

In 1970 we met in July, got engaged in August and married in September. Still loving each other!

Posted on in Aging, Beagle, Humor

Barbie Dolls

The photo above is entitled Barbie Evolves. At first Barbie was just a fashion doll.

Yes, I had one as a child. I thought it was sort of creepy. I knew I would never look like THAT! Listening to a radio program recently that reviewed the new movie with the writer and producer they mentioned that before Barbie there were basically only baby dolls for girls to pretend with. Suddenly there was a teenage doll girls could aspire to be like.

Barbie Career Dolls

Her clothes were extremely difficult to put on and take off. Her bust-line combined with that waistline was going to be unattainable for most girls. I eventually figured some man must have created her.

When my granddaughters were growing up I was given a pattern to crochet for Barbie clothes. I kept a damaged doll for fitting in case I had to make some. Then I hid the pattern hoping they would never find it. Literally, did not want to make those things, but did not want to have to buy the pattern either if they requested some clothes.

The radio program told about how the designer at first sent the doll back to Japan again and again because they kept making her with nipples and the toy designer did not want nipples. After many attempts the Japanese designers got the idea. The commentator also made the remark that Barbie was made of plastic and therefore will be around for centuries in landfills!-

So all this time I am listening and walking the beagle. At times we take a short cut from the retention pond along the edge of the neighborhood back to the street. There is a man who lives there who had a lovely pine tree. For some reason he wanted it cut down. When Ryan builders would not do it, and the HOA board would not do it (the tree was clearly on his property) he decided to do it himself. We all scratched our heads over the why? since it appeared to be in good health. So I am walking Lucky, listening to the radio interview and I pass his wood pile. I stopped abruptly and took the photo below.

Launched in 1959 by the Mattel toy company right here in Cincinnati my life has been surrounded by Barbie and her fellow character dolls. If you raised boys you likely were shielded from her unless they had girls to play with. In that case, they likely wanted a Ken doll or G I Joe? That leads to an entire other conversation about dolls who are not anatomically correct!

Posted on in Aging, Faith, Family, Journal, Just do it, Listen, Memories, Prayer, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Thanks, Yield

New Sentiment from Gratefulness

We don’t have to pretend to be fine when we are not. We don’t need to push through and be strong. Gratitude is a soft landing place that requires us to be honest, open, and willing to look at everything we’re facing and not turn away.

Alex Elle

I find that quote really powerful. The tremendous freedom in it! Gratitude “REQUIRES us to be honest, open, and willing to look at everything we’re facing and not turn away.”

A dear friend of many years suffered a fall a couple months ago. She shattered several bones. The pain was tremendous. She was hospitalized, then nursing care, then yet another nursing home/rehab situation. It must have been very hard to look at everything she was facing and not turn away. I know she was relying upon the Lord in this grueling recovery situation. The pain still has not gone, but she is coping. I did not learn about her situation until recently. I would have liked to pray for her especially during the worst of it. I know she prayed for me during the worst part of my life years ago. After that fall, the image of a soft landing place could be comforting.

This diagram was used in several other places, so I used it, too.

A neighbor recently had a bout of falling. Her son thought it was from her back pain and perhaps too many meds. She was taken by life squad to the hospital. In reality it was Addison’s disease with severe dehydration. She was in intensive care for several days. We lifted her in prayer plus her son and husband. She is hom02e now and doing well. I wonder if she knows that gratitude soft landing place?

Is the image a heart or a praying mantis face?

As I draw closer to the Holy One, unhealed things rise to the surface. Lately I have been sorting through some feelings and stumbling blocks that tend to trip me up. I have suffered emotional scarring from several situations with women over my 70+ years. Part of me says, “get over it,” and part of me says “the wounds are still there.” This wounding keeps me from engaging with other women freely. There is always a huge part of me held in reserve. Most of it began in my childhood from my family of origin. Hard to believe those wounds are present so any years later! The LORD knows all my scars and has recently helped me heal another layer. He could not help me if I turned away and refused to face the wounds.

All of this has led me to a place of deeper gratitude. Nothing in our life can be taken for granted. Also, everything can eventually become a source of praise.

“We don’t have to pretend we are fine when we are not. We don’t need to push through and be strong.” I had to ask the LORD for help.

Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24 NIV

Help me turn every discomfort to You. Show me the cause and help me give it to You for healing. Whether I am in pain emotionally, physically, or spiritually You know and are able to give me wisdom in each situation. If I must return to a topic 1,000 times I realize You never tire of healing and helping, guiding and growing me into the image of Jesus. I also know You are no respecter of persons; You desire to heal every person. Help us each to yield to You. Amen.

Posted on in Aging, Amazing Creations, Faith, Family, Memories, Nature, Thanks, Traveling

The Place in Hawaii Where I Cried

Most of my life my mother worked at a florist in Norwood, Ohio called Dorl & Fern. I met Mr. Dorl a few times. For years my mother told my sister and I how much she wanted to visit the Hawaiian islands in order to see the flowers. (Also, her only sister lived there.) Many times the arrangement designers in the shop would use flowers shipped from Hawaii. She was delighted with those arrangements. She especially like the idea of orchids growing along tree trunks. There was much delight as she worked with the local California florist to design my wedding bouquet. Sadly, she died before she was able to go to Hawaii.

Our wedding 1970

When we were planning our visit to Hawaii (the Big Island) and Maui we told our friends Dan and Betty that we definitely wanted to see the flowers. They directed us to the Botanical Garden just north of Hilo, officially called the Hawaii Tropical Bioreserve & Garden.

The folder they gave us when we paid our admission describes the place as “a garden in a valley on the ocean.” The land is ‘held in reserve for future conservation, protecting the beautiful Onomea Bay forever.’

I was not disappointed. The beginning of the trail was a downhill boardwalk among fascinating plants, many of which we had never seen before. We were also entertained by tiny colorful geckos along the way.

Anthurium I have seen in floral shops in Ohio but never in lavender!
Geckos often lose their tail when fighting, but can grow them back!
“Pink Maracas”

Bob and I were amazed later when we compared our photos. Some were duplicates and some were things the other had not noticed. My photos of the orchids were the most abundant of all the photos I took. If you are familiar with house plants you may see some growing in the photos. So here is photo album of my still shots. By the time I would learn to make a video from still shots I could likely write 3 blog entries. Hard to teach old dogs new tricks!

If you paste the link below into your browser you can see slides from the garden posted on the Bioreserve website. Sadly, they do not identify the plants.

https://bigislandguide.com/hawaii-tropical-botanical-garden

And then there were the orchids! You have most likely seen orchids in grocery store floral departments or big box discount stores. They are nothing like these orchids!!

See photo to right
Orchid rooted on tree
What we know as house plant called Peace Lily.
Anthurium rooted on tree truck
Bob’s favorite orchid on tree
I do not know all the names
rooted some place on that tree!
delicate colors
Splatter painted?
Splotched white area unlike below
My thumb is to show you how tiny this one is!
Not identical to white ones above.

Okay, so by then I was weeping. Truly weeping over the beauty my mother missed. Weeping over the beauty of God’s creation and how He arranged for us to have the privilege to see it. I swear at one point it was as if the man who walked away from me in the garden resembled Ted Dorl. I cried because in some way this has been a deep link with my memory of my mother. And now, I had completed it. We sat on a bench while I tried to compose myself. Two women walking past surely looked bewildered by my tears. Bob gladly indulged me while I walked among the orchids again, then I found more plants and started taking photos all over again.

My Christmas tree wish
Look closely!
There she is, tucked away!
At first glance looks like a pansy to me!

You know how people print photos on mugs and phone cases and all sorts of things? I think I want this printed like that!

The flight over the volcano was stunning along with flying over the coast and the waterfalls, but this is my best memory. It was hard for me to leave. It was getting very hot and humid. I was wrung out from the emotional experience. Rarely have I felt so close to my mom since she passed. Our daughter turns 48 this week. That means mom died 48 years and two weeks ago. May she be surrounded by Jesus and flowers in all of heaven!

The earth is the Lord’s and all that is in it,
    the world, and those who live in it,
 for he has founded it on the seas
    and established it on the rivers.

Psalm 24:1-2 NRSV
Posted on in Aging, Faith, Family, Illness and Health, Just do it, Listen, medical treatment, Memories, Spiritual discipline, Spiritual growth, Thanks, Yield

Twice in a Few Hours

This came up in my email today. The same sentiment arose another time and I can’t recall where!

Whatever may be the tensions and the stresses of a particular day, there is always lurking close at hand the trailing beauty of forgotten joy or unremembered peace.

Howard Thurman

“Trailing beauty of forgotten joy or unremembered peace.” With the smoke from the Nova Scotia fires moving into the Cincinnati area and the air quality index indicating the air is dangerous for those with compromised health issues it has been a rough time at our house.

My husband has COPD and, like me with my health issues, sometimes lives in a high state of denial. (COPD stands for chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.) The week of June 11-17 was exceptionally bad. Bob has had difficulty getting accustomed to the fact that the air quality index warnings have to do with him. It seemed that each day his symptoms got worse. Finally on Friday evening, June 16th, he crashed into his chair and knew he was ill. We were outdoors for a part of the day on the 17th for a celebration of life memorial for a friend of his. We went home and I locked him in the house. He likely should have seen a doctor on the 15th, but did not. By Sunday evening he knew he had to contact the doctor on Monday morning for at minimum steroids and antibiotics. I was convinced the doctor was likely to admit him to the hospital, though he did not.

The doctor got him in. Put him on steroids and told him if there was no improvement, antibiotics were next. Sent us home.

During that time I did lots of praying and lifting. The Lord told me I needed to yield to Him, too. I was shocked when I returned from retreat how very, very anxious I became about Bob’s health situation. Listening to the voice of the Spirit I realized why.

I had gone from trusting the Lord implicitly during the retreat to anxious and worried. How did that happen so quickly? I was reminded that my Dad had been chronically ill for years with heart disease. (There are many tales about that I could write, but not today.) I grew up living on edge about his condition. At ten and younger I did not quite understand that his condition would be fatal. My husband almost succumbed to flu in 2018. That is when his COPD went from mild to more severe.

Mayo Clinic online says, “COPD symptoms include breathing difficulty, cough, mucus (sputum) production and wheezing.” There were times I could hear Bob’s lungs rattle with wheezing from across the room. His cough became so severe and prolonged that I wondered if he would bring up part of a lung instead of just mucus. Sunday evening his breathing was fast and very shallow. One night he must have coughed in his sleep. I, too, was asleep; however, I came straight up out of the bed thinking he had fallen. He was asleep in the bed. The LORD spoke to me that my anxiety was linked to that childhood experience of my father’s heart disease and subsequent early death. (At the time he was 46 yrs. old, I was 11 yrs. old.) I am no longer that child. The Spirit helped me recognize this and release that childhood scarring to my heavenly Father.

So as Monday morning came I was listening to the LORD, praying, releasing my fears, declaring to God that whatever happened at the medical office my heart was in His hand. I am sorry to report that my praise over the doctor not hospitalizing Bob was not as robust as my praise before the appointment thanking God for giving us good medical care. I think I had braced myself and was not quite certain what to do in the aftermath. Isn’t that sad?

We went out to lunch at his favorite place. Visited the pharmacy for the new medication. Came home, tended to housekeeping duties and took our rest. He was still very sick. That afternoon when my watch rang for the afternoon alert to bring my attention back to Christ, I gave thanks that we were working together on vacation photos and other office matters. I confessed my shame at not being more grateful immediately after the appointment.

This morning he decided to text the doctor as his sputum was no longer clear. Doctor had said that would indicate need for antibiotics. Bob did all of that before I was out of bed! This round of denial is certainly over.

“Trailing beauty of forgotten joy or unremembered peace.” Beauty – we went out to lunch. Were able to celebrate our recent vacation to Hawaii and not get swamped by fears about the illness. Unremembered peace – relief as I texted two people who were praying as we went to the doctor. We each think sending him home was good news.

Having ridden this roller coaster so recently I am trying to maintain an even attitude towards this illness. When he was intubated in 2018 the doctor told me that COPD can ‘turn on a dime’ meaning someone with this illness can go from sick to extremely ill in no time at all. That makes it hard to suspend my fears and hesitation. I am determined though, ‘with God’s help.”

Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Isaiah 46:4 NIV

Today (June 28) the air quality is again dangerous. We have closed up the house and are praying this does not exacerbate his symptoms. Stay well!