1954 to Now – Part Two

I have no memory of the doctor or a tech taking me out of the cast. I do not remember any kind of physical therapy. I do remember the doctor talking with my mother about fears that one leg would be shorter than the other.

After the hospital I had anxiety about doctors and needles. My parents could not tell me about a doctor’s appointment the night before as I would get almost hysterical. Eventually I outgrew the fear. Though to this day I have to psych myself up a bit when there is a needle involved in medical treatment.

Years later while on a retreat I learned that the nuns serving at Good Samaritan Hospital were from the Sisters of Charity convent in Delhi.  As an adult I thanked them for comforting this child.

Current day

My legs grew to the same length. Dr. McMath did a grand job caring for me. Sadly, my father died of heart disease when I was eleven years old. There were no treatments for heart disease in 1961. I never knew him as a man, just Daddy.

I never tried Double Dutch jump rope again. In fact, I have never been inclined to athletic activity. Hated gym class in elementary school. The Double Dutch jump rope incident stole all my confidence. My sister and I were most often unsupervised in our play activities. One day we were playing the garage and found my dad’s ladders for painting.  I developed a fear of heights after a ladder slid down a wall while I was sitting on it. Landed hard on the concrete floor. Amazing now that I did not break my fingers where I was holding on. No one had ever had a need to teach me then that a ladder must be anchored before being used.

I find it amazing how our childhood experiences shape us as people. I married a kind man who became a medical technologist. This is the person in a hospital laboratory who can draw your blood and test any fluid that you can put out. In the beginning of our marriage, we were once sitting in a movie theater, and he was feeling the vein in my elbow. Freaked me out. He explained the need to practice. I calmed down. Now I am faced with needles daily: lancets, insulin needles, wearing a continuous glucose monitor, monthly drug injections.

After playing with the ladders, I still dislike heights. When we took our children to the CN Tower in Toronto we went to the observation deck. It is 113 floors above the ground and has a glass floor. I was holding on to the wall around the elevator as I walked around the observation deck. The children were laughing at me. As I walked, I came upon a woman crawling on the floor. Guess it could have been worse! Nope. Heights are not my thing!

From childhood trauma to needle fears then married to a Lab man, (They don’t call them blood suckers for nothing!). From Christian educated by the babysitter and dropped off at church to a Christ seeker who became the only Episcopalian in the family of origin. From fear of heights to challenging the fear for the sake of the children and a family vacation memory.

Our childhood impacts us, but not always for the good. Imprints formed during childhood are not washed away by time. Seventy years later they can still affect how I think and feel.

Thanks for reading this long blog.

1954 to Now – Part One

I have been asked to explore some other methods of telling my story besides the blog and poetry. So I have attempted to put a few memories down on paper. This will be a 2 part read since it has many more words than most blog posts ever attempt.

At age three I broke my thigh playing with my sister and her older friends in a neighbor’s driveway. They were doing Double Dutch jump rope where they swing two ropes simultaneously in opposite directions and you jump in on the side of one of the rope turners. (See photo above.) The girls let me try. I broke my leg. Obviously, way too complicated a sport for a 3-year-old.  Someone ran to my house and told mom. She came to get me.

We rode to Good Samaritan hospital from Loveland to Clifton in the car. I was in the back seat. I only remember someone lifted me into the back seat. There were no freeways then. No idea how long it took us to get to Good Samaritan. I was taken to that hospital because my Dad was already admitted there with a heart attack. 

The hospital doctors decided to put my leg in traction for six weeks to heal. I suppose they numbed my leg or more likely put me to sleep when they set my leg?  I have no memory of that. When they put me in traction, I do remember being furious that they put me in diapers. I was so insulted. I was certainly fully potty trained! It was hot and there was no air conditioning. My long dark hair was cut off in a short choppy bob. Below is a photo of me in traction, hair cut short and sweating. Once while I was asleep, the staff brought my meal. When I awoke the milk was no longer cold. I loved cold milk. My mother obtained a glass of ice and poured my milk over it. I was so angry. I had never had milk like that. Could be I was a 3-year-old brat? Or simply confused and frustrated at my new situation.

One day during my stay they rolled my bed into the room where my dad was a patient. It was such an unusual situation for a young child. I do remember he talked with me and our hands touching.

Someone came to visit and brought me a white stuffed dog that I named Casey. He had a metal nose (which at age 73 I still have). His ears seemed to be made from real fur, sort of like a curly tanned hide. The rest of him was a stuffed white dog shape. Someone else brought me Brach’s cream filled Royal caramel rolls in a metal can. To this day I use that can for candy. Once I saw the same can used as a prop in a movie!

I do not remember there being a television in my room. I am certain televisions were not standard equipment in 1954. Certainly, no computer tablet to play upon. I might have tried to color, but lying down that would have been difficult! Hopefully someone read me stories.

After six weeks, my leg was put in a cast. I do remember being alone with the Sisters of Charity when they decided it was time to cast my leg. Somewhere to my side, across the room, there was a sink. Men in white coats came towards me with large white steaming sheets. I had no idea what those were. I was so frightened. Those men began to wrap my leg in the warm plaster preparation. The nuns comforted me. I left that hospital wanting to be a nun. I have no idea where my mother was during the casting. Perhaps she was not allowed in the treatment room? Maybe she was with my dad in the cardiac unit? All I do know is that the nuns (in full habits) comforted me. I went home in the cast.

I left the hospital wanting to be a nun. My parents bought me a Nun doll for Christmas. I have her tiny rosary in my keepsake cabinet. When I chose to be baptized my mother forbid me to become a Roman Catholic. She said my grandfather, a Methodist minister, would roll over in his grave. I eventually joined the Episcopal church. They came closest to what I felt was true worship. Also, as close as you can get to being a Catholic but without the Pope and such strong emphasis on Mary.

Doll sized rosary on tiny altar to remind me to make a of sacrifice of praise to the Lord our God

It must have been difficult for my mom to care for me, especially while my dad recovered from yet another heart attack. I do know we had a babysitter named Myrtle. Towards the end of her life, she wanted to see my sister and me one more time. She visited us because she was dying of cancer. She gave my sister and me a tiny white New Testament and signed it “Love, Myrt and Gerald.” My first and at times best New Testament! I still have it and use it occasionally.

I have no memory of the doctor or a tech taking me out of the cast. I do not remember any kind of physical therapy. I do remember the doctor talking with my mother about fears that one leg would be shorter than the other.

Part Two on Wednesday will complete the story!

Currently

As you read this I am on my way to a six night, seven day retreat with my spiritual director. I made this adventure last year and am really looking forward to the experience once again. So I likely will not be posting on the blog next week. My typical routine is to write on Monday and Tuesday mornings and post Wednesday through Sunday. This week I will reside in a Sisters of Charity guest room. Private room with half bath, shared but private shower room. All meals included plus nice grounds for walking, rooms for prayer, art work. Just a lovely place. They even have a huge church in the building if I want to go there.

We changed from one internet/TV/phone provider to another last week so Bob in particular has been busy, busy this week with setting up remote controls, learning the remote basics and getting us all situated. I typed a smaller channel guide from the large one they provided.

I have been learning how to use the CGM, (Continuous Glucose Monitor) to make my decisions about foods I eat, how often I eat, etc. The two most annoying things are when the alarm from this device rings in the night and when it loses signal. I even changed the device implanted on my arm on my own this week! Took out the old one (painless). Inserted the new one which was painless but still foreign to me. The hardest thing was getting the container for the new one open. I had to get Bob to do it. I was not strong enough. Grrr. Doctor has changed when I take one of the diabetic medications. We are still working to adjust some aspects of my care.

Lucky, our special beagle is improving with her new monthly arthritis injection, Librela. Her tail is much more straight as she walks now and she can walk further than 2 months ago. She still gets stiff (we can relate!) but she seems to be in much less pain.

Bob has resumed riding his bike at least once a week. We both walk for exercise most every morning. I have been clocking at least one mile a day. Told myself I can take a day off when there is morning rain. Trying to work up to longer walks which will be a challenge in this hot, humid weather. Ha! at the convent I can even walk when it rains! No idea how many times I will need to circle a floor to get a mile! Not quite ready to attempt their indoor stairs.

Three old dogs living here and maybe not new tricks, but adapting to changing ages, technology and health. Whew! It can be a lot of work to keep up, stay calm and work at something you are unfamiliar with. So that is the Dutina update!

I pray you are each doing your fair share of adapting to change and growing in new technological advances!

June 1st!

New Month and at the end we will be halfway through 2024. How did that happen?

The epidural I had did not take away the pain in my back/hip. The pain specialist decided I will benefit from a “Medial Branch Block.” Medicare requires two trial injections first. So I will go in this month and have the first injection. He says we should be able to tell immediately if it is effective. Then I return for a followup visit. They will then schedule the second trial. If that also works, I will get an injection that basically will burn the nerve that goes to that hip. It is not supposed to impair anything else. Relief can last 6-9 months? When the nerve grows back he can administer the burning of the nerve repeatedly without the trial injections. That is good news to me. I was plenty discouraged when the pain was there after the previous injection.

And more good new! Baby Francesca got he new heart and should be headed home soon. Lucky dog has responded well to first injection of arthritis medication. She has now had her second and things are looking good for her!

This month I also get to make another 6 day retreat with a spiritual director. I am so looking forward to that! Last year I learned so much about myself and my direction. This year my quest is similar.

I am seeking what the Lord would want me to do with all this writing. I believe I am to take selections from the blog and rework them, perhaps for a booklet? I will remove YouTube links and multiple photos. Trying to get at the gist of what I am saying … Words fail me to tell you more.

Suffice it to say if you have favorites among what you have read on this blog I would love to hear from you what that selection is. You can refer to the date or title. I am fairly certain I can locate with just that info. It is very hard to re-read what I have written and choose a few favorites for myself. I have 3 local people looking through the printouts and marking them with post-its. Rewriting will take a lot of work, but I don’t mind writing work. Just trying to find where I go, what I do from here.

Thanks for your help!

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
    even at night my heart instructs me.
Psalm 16:7 NIV

Praise the Lord, all his works
    everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the Lord, my soul. Psalm 103:22 NIV

My State of Aging 2024

Things that used to be a breeze are now  So  Very  Difficult Routines of self-care take longer and longer. Maybe complicated is a better descriptor?

Not enough to brush my teeth (what few teeth remain). And use the expensive toothpaste the hygienist insists upon. Now there must be floss, rubbery pick, fluoride toothpaste AND DON’T RINSE!

Take bedtime medications, but remember to do it before caring for the teeth because I AM NOT TO RINSE AFTERWARDS. Don’t forget the Tylenol and the other over the counter pill that aids with sleep. Inject the right units of insulin.

Use the fluoride rinse if you can fit it in. Perhaps do that after I eat breakfast? Use that rubbery pick thing after every meal. Last night after dinner I used it while watching TV. Then I noticed that some of the green bristles were missing. WAIT a minute!! Aren’t we supposed to be careful NOT to ingest plastic? Oi, the drama never ends!

Once a month inject that biologic that crushes the psoriasis. Thank goodness the pharmaceutical company provides it free of cost. Have to mark it on the calendar just like the dog’s tablet for anti-flea medication.

Now I am going to be wearing a continuous glucose monitor. Medicare covers the cost of that thing. The doctor’s office will teach us how to install it. Another insert-able thing, this one in the back of my arm. “Not always the same arm, not always the same place, not in a lump or scar.” Monitor should link to my iPhone to give readouts. If I link it to the reader they sent, I cannot use my iPhone to get the readings. Supposed to help teach me the impact of what I eat by showing me moment to moment what my blood glucose is. Check readout before each meal. If it goes too high I am to inject more insulin. They will have to teach me how much and when. This seems like a lot to manage. I will also need to change the device weekly.

Wait! I was taught to check my glucose 2 hours after eating. I smack my forehead and groan. I confuse easily!

Oh, I am a lot to manage!

Does continuous monitor mean I no longer have to begin the day with a finger stick? Well, at first I have to do both. Crap. I get so tired of needles.

Add to that the stretches as I continue to recover from shoulder surgery. If the plantar fasciitis flares up return to doing those stretches, too.

Oh by gosh, by golly! I feel as old as Santa and a lot less spry. Bob reminds me that I have “better living through modern chemistry.” So I fill the prescription boxes for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bedtime, 2 weeks worth. I always say a prayer of gratitude that I am able to afford the medications I need.

The iPhone says if I want to add the weather to my watch face that is called a “complication.” Same for the date and time. I suppose I am just a ‘complicated’ woman. Glad to be cared for, even if I complain. I tell God, “I’m trying.” God replies, “Yes, dear, very trying.”

Learning to turn all of this from overwhelming to let God have it. The Trinity is willing and able to direct my steps and help me walk through these things. I name them one by one and ask the Holy One to direct my steps. I relinquish these challenges to You and ask for comfort and wisdom in how to manage all of it.

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. James 3:17 NLT

Eventually, new things can become routine. Does anyone know how to make certain I take the lunch pills at lunch and don’t forget them?

One Thing I Learned at Physical Therapy

When they give you ice therapy at the end this channel is on their television monitor. This channel is hilarious! Obviously you do not have ot watch the full hour, but it made me chuckle out loud and forget the pain of stretching!

If you are feeling poorly, this is bound to cheer you at least a bit!! Wish our cable company carried it! Maybe I can find it on YouTube app?

Think On These Things

At the beginning of the new year I brought the idea of Philippians 4:8 as a practice for 2024. How is your thinking coming along? Have you been able to pattern the ideas Paul gives us in Philippians?

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:8 NIV

Remember when I wrote it is not just reciting the attributes but actually naming things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, etc. that is beneficial? I find that was easier when I was sitting in a chair recovering. Never to late to return to the practice though! Thinking things that are beneficial to me will help me more than anything else I might think about. A mind running rampant in the negatives is certain to get me nowhere in the Kingdom of Light.

Even though I was frustrated when the therapist said I had lost ground in my recovery I was also thankful for the honesty of measuring range of motion from week to week. It must be difficult for the therapists to have to deliver news like that day after day to various patients. I am thankful for his honesty. My lack of progress was true.

How about you? Have you been able to train your thoughts to things that Paul says are best for us? When you get in a negative thought pattern are you able to catch yourself and turn to the things in Philippians 4:8? I believe that using this practice during my recovery has helped me continue the practice.

If I catch a negative wanting to lodge in my mind (like a nasty fish hook) I turn my thoughts to ideas about that situation or person that are right, pure, lovely, etc.

It is not easy to train our mind, but it is essential if we are to mature as the followers of Jesus. Yes, He loves us just as we are, but He does not want us to stay the same as we have always been. There is very little in my life that I can control, but I am told in Scripture to control myself. Reining in my mind to come alongside the Mind of Christ is a lifetime job. It is probably best to begin by thinking on things that are excellent and praiseworthy. Find at least one example of those. Then try finding examples of one or two others. Paul is not asking us to do something that is impossible to us. This will however take discipline!

Revealed

The other morning I was lead to pick up “A Sunlit Absence” by Martin Laird. I read the book several years ago. I have portions of it on a USB drive in my car where I occasionally listen to parts of the text. I was drawn to the concept of God sending ‘a very loving light’ to uncover what we hold in the darkness. In the chapter entitled Sharp Trials in the Intellect he refers often to ‘humbling self-knowledge.’

Humbling Self-knowledge is a crucial component of the deepening of our practice. Saint John of The Cross insists that this light we are filled with is ‘very loving light,” but for lengthy stretches of the spiritual journey, as our practice deepens, this “very loving light” enables us to see aspects of ourselves that we would rather not see but nevertheless bear our name. This humbling self-knowledge is the direct result of the inflow of light into our awareness. As when opening the curtains in a room we have not been in for some time, the light exposes all manner of dirt and dust. the dirt and dust were always there, but there was not light sufficient to see. But St. John of the Cross never wavers from his conviction that this light is not simply luminous but also “very loving light.”

A Sunlit Absence by Martin Laird

I have been doing Physical Therapy at home. It is truly boring. Counting to five on each stretch just blanks my mind. I lose count. Uncertain if that was 7 or 17. I never did enjoy gym class or any sort of physical exercise.

Recently I cleaned up the dining room table and put a table cloth on. Ultimately that meant I could no longer do the stretch called the table slide. I thought in my infinite wisdom, (NOT) that the wall slide and other stretches could replace the table slide.

At Physical Therapy appointment we discovered my shoulder was swollen and I had lost ground on the measurement of where I could tolerate a stretch. AGAIN I lost ground. Very discouraging. The therapist wants me now to count to 10 on the stretches because “you count too fast.” He wants me to set my watch to every 2 hours and do 10 or so stretches of at least three varieties.

As I tried to describe the appointment to Bob and put into words what I was feeling it hit me. My brain has been deceiving me into thinking I am disciplined and doing right by my therapy. I have not been doing right. I was reminded of Jeremiah (after I looked up where the verse was). At first I remembered the verse as “the brain is deceitful above all else.” I did not think I was trying to get away with something, but I was. Deceitful, not something I want to be.

The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful,
    a puzzle that no one can figure out.
But I, God, search the heart
    and examine the mind.
I get to the heart of the human.
    I get to the root of things.
I treat them as they really are,
    not as they pretend to be.

Jeremiah 17:9-10 Message

Oh Molly. You have been fooling yourself. Lazy. And also confused. One therapist says do not do these to the point of pain. Then another time the message is to push to the point of pain and maybe a little bit further. The mind, the heart whatever you want to call it I have not been honest with myself about the “work” of recovery.

Realize. Confess. Cling to God. Correct the behavior. Try again.

My humbling self-knowledge shows that I have been fooling around with PT at home. So the table cloth was removed. The table slides started again. The counting to ten is also boring. But if you add the name of Jesus to the list of the fruit of the spirit one can make a ten count if you name them slowly.

“Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self control, Jesus.” God help me to do what is right for my recovery. This girl-child needs constant vigilance and discipline. Jesus said “Of myself I can do nothing.” (John 5:30) I know that left to myself I will always mess it up.

The very loving light of my Father shows me my short-comings. I repeatedly ask for His guidance and help. I have not been disappointed. I grew up in a family that was constantly riddled with criticism. I have learned that my heavenly Father is not like that. Yes, He wants me to grow and learn and change into the image of Jesus, but He does not guide me in holy ways through criticism. Saint John of the Cross was correct. This is a very loving light.

May the Light of Life always guide us in the ways of righteousness and holiness. Father knows that left to myself I will always mess it up!

Will You Breathe Deep?

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Elisabeth and Lilias

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