I experienced and wrote this in 1994.
If you had walked in, you would have thought I was standing at the kitchen sink, seemingly doing the dishes, but actually I was having a conversation of self-castigation. Crying and praying, internally I was crouched on the floor in the corner where the cabinets met. My tears mixed with the dishwater as I poured out my agenda to the Lord.
Becoming tired and spent I knew the Lord was standing near me and listening. As my sobs turned to sniffling He had only two words for me, “Stand up.” I whimpered another prayer. Patiently waiting for my obedience again He said, “Stand up.” I whined again to the mercy-filled Lamb of God. He refused to dialogue with me until I heeded His first instruction. Again He said, “Stand up.”
I cowered and said, “But, Lord, I am unworthy.”
“Stand up.”
I spoke another prayer, “Lord, I am weak and tired.”
“Stand up.”
I offered excuse after excuse about why I could not obey. Finally I asked, “Why must I stand up when I am so weak and upset?” And then I realized, I could either obey or He would withdraw His presence from my awareness.
Standing there, I was angry and unforgiving of myself. I had been beating myself over the back with a club that I had designed. It fit perfectly into my hand. It wasn’t an ordinary club like in the comic strip “B.C.” My club had spikes on it, too.
So there I was, praying, crying out to God, and telling Him how sorry I was about the sin I had committed. I prepared to use the club upon myself one more time when He broke into my noisy, tearful, self-punishment saying,
“IF I, GOD ALMIGHTY, HAVE FORGIVEN YOU,
WHO ARE YOU NOT TO FORGIVE YOURSELF?”
With a long, empty pause He let His truth sink into my being. His words about a past situation, the cause of my turmoil, were radically different than my reaction. As His light dawned upon my dark interpretation of what was needful, He disarmed me with His love and forgiveness. I laid down my club at the foot of His cross. I prayed He would cover it with His blood and enable me to receive and believe His love for me, praying that I might eventually feel His forgiveness.
Moving forward, I learned to accept His forgiveness and learned how to forgive myself. We are flawed. We are all broken in some way. We have all sinned. In order for our intimacy with Him to flourish, we must adopt His attitudes and point of view in each area of our lives. This is not an easy or instantaneous task. Gradually the Lord will lead us in His will and His ways. He is able to complete the good work He has begun in us. We must let Him.
His divine power has given us everything needed for life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.
2 Peter 1:3
being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1:6
for it is God who is at work in you, enabling you both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
Philippians 2:13
But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Corinthians 15:57
Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!
2 Corinthians 9:15
- What self-destructive weapons are you clinging to?
- What would happen if you laid them down at Jesus’ feet?
- Could you dare to let Him take over now as King and Judge of your Universe
If God Almighty has forgiven you, who are you not to forgive yourself?
Treasures in Plain Sight, A Christian Blog 