When it’s over, I want to say all my life I was a bride married to amazement.
-Mary Oliver
Have you read Mary Oliver’s writing? I love that image of “I was a bride married to amazement.” The LORD God Almighty has filled our world with truly amazing creations. I cannot fathom how a person can walk around with open eyes and not see the creation with amazement.
Almost 53 years ago I was a bride.
I was amazed at the wonder of my betrothed, Robert M Dutina. I was amazed at the goodness of God in creation, thus married in the park. I knew no building could contain the God I worship. I have continued to be amazed at all my life has been filled with. Both happy and sad.
Always, though, always I have been married to amazement.
Amazed at not only the nasturtiums above, but the next one, too!
One flower filled with sunshine and a glorious land snail in my very own side garden. The first year we were married we had a two track driveway outside our dining window. Someone had planted nasturtiums down the center. They have been dear to my heart ever since!
And just now! One pileated woodpecker flying over my front yard singing as it goes. Yes, married to amazement.
When Amazement asked if I would be married to it, I gave a resounding Yes!!
"There is a white scribble
in that Blue Sky," I note,
"scribble with a long underline
like an exclamation point."
It reverberates with “Look!”
This morning sky was dark and gloomy
Booming with thunder
Flashing with lightening
Now sky is glary with sunshine
Ridiculous with heat
hours ago you would never
have suspected this total change
was even possible
now be in awe of the
power of transformation
hours can create.
Will you allow God to cause a similar transformation in you? Are you willing to yield to that power? The sky was always blue, yet our eyes could not perceive it.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:19 NIV
“I am making a new creation,” says the Lord. For you and me He is making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland! There is a plan. Whether or not our eyes can see it, our brains perceive it, the plan is there waiting for us to fulfill it. Through the power, strength and guidance of the Holy One a way in the wilderness is found.
We once visited Craters of the Moon park in Idaho. It was a very strange wilderness indeed. While we were there one woman went hiking with her friend for her birthday. She had hiked the park many times. They got lost and died. Here is a short video giving you a sampling of what that wilderness is like.
Visitors are urged not only to not hike alone, but to tell someone where they plan to hike. It is easy to get lost there.
It is easy to get lost here, also! Have you asked the LORD to guide your life and journey through this strange land of living?
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV
In Christ. New creation. With purpose and a plan to fulfill. Follow on, fellow travelers!
The vile mud pot that bubbles through my life. Wants to contaminate everything. Makes me irritable. Unable to see the best in others.
There was a poem I found that helped a bit. I first read this while on retreat recently. I believe Joan Chittister had it in one of her devotional books.
Home of My Loneliness by Karl Rahner
In the curve of my heart
lies a hollow place
where grudging loneliness asks a welcome.
In that empty chamber of solitairiness
You rest Your consistent, welcoming love
on the heartsick and patterned
discontent of my gloomy days
and shredded dreams.
You care for my loneliness with affection
during the times when no one
and no thing soothes
the deep yearning
sitting listlessly
inside the arid place of my discontented self.
The Home of Loneliness welcomes me.
As I found solace in this poem I also remembered a piece of coral we found in Hawaii.
“You rest, Your consistent, welcoming love,” “You care for my loneliness with affection”. The Holy One knows my hollow place. I am held in that consistent, welcoming love. My loneliness, which at times I detest and want to deny is cared for by the Trinity. Even that place. Even those feelings.
Chronic illness has taught me so much about loneliness. Only those who have suffered can truly understand the plight of the chronically sick. The ambivalence of taking medication that may or may not help. The side effects that can send you into a ‘tizzy.” The wisdom of prayer and listening to your own body when making decisions about self-care. The Word says to ask God and He will give you wisdom. James 1:5-6 NIV
My parents dying when I was young (aged eleven when Dad died, aged 24 when Mom died) has taught we so much about loneliness. When your family of origin is gone when you are just forming your own family, the word difficult does not describe the impact upon your life.
Next time you sense that “deep yearning sitting listlessly inside the arid place of (your) discontented self” I urge you to turn that place and those feelings to the Holy One. The internet says there one hundred verses about God holding us in or with His hand.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
Psalm 73:23 NIV
Once during a retreat I spent several hours walking the retreat grounds and envisioning the Lord holding my right hand. Though that was many years ago, to this day I remember how poignant that experience was. You might want to try that for yourself. The Holy Trinity is always with us and walks close, even when we are unaware.
I have learned more about my journey to the center-down silence since 1988. I have been pondering re-writing this poem but have not attempted yet. Maybe the words will come and I will pursue it.
Until then I pray you will venture into your own journey with the Living Christ. Find your way to quiet your self and rest with the Holy One.
I abandon all that I think I am, all that I hope to be, all that I believe I possess. I let go of the past, I withdraw my grasping hand from the future, and in the great silence of this moment, I alertly rest my soul.
~ from DEEP IS THE HUNGER by Howard Thurman
God clearly gives us a path to His quiet. We must desire this. We must make a move towards Him. He writes clearly through the book of James 4:8. We are to “draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts you double-minded.“
My heart is not proud, Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. 2 But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content.
3 Israel, put your hope in the Lord both now and forevermore
Psalm 131 NIV
Go there, to that place of quiet. Wait for His touch and His wisdom. With practice you will not be disappointed!
During retreat at sunset I went to my car to get a printed notebook of Treasures in Plain Sight to share with Sister Maureen. You sort of have to read some of my postings if you want to get to know me. Walking back to my room 7:12 PM on 23-6-5 I heard the Lord say,
"I want you to sit
Enjoy the breeze
LISTEN to your own writing."
There is a huge patio with picnic tables near the parking lot. It is covered with a roof held by ropes and poles. I had earlier seen a sister who seems to be confined to a motorized wheelchair. She is younger than me. I saw her sitting on the patio enjoying the evening breeze. The patio overlooked a part of the grounds where the trees open and a small meadow is seen.
I told her, “Look at you! You take your chair wherever you go! I had to walk out here and there is not even a back on these picnic benches!” She rewarded me with a huge, lovely smile.
Sister went back in the building when an alarm rang on her wrist. I wondered if she had been waiting to see deer? There was a lovely meadow in the distance with an opening in the trees. Sure enough, at 7:27 two large deer came out from between the trees and began to graze in the meadow. I made note of the time to give to her. (I saw her in the cafeteria at lunch the next day and slipped her the note. She cheerfully thanked me with a BIG smile.)
I sat in the evening breeze and began paging through the notebook with writings I had posted a year ago. It was fun to visit memories and see His hand at work in my life. When I had finished I heard,
“Blog or not
writing IS part of your calling."
You see, during this retreat I was asking what the Lord would have me do in the future. I was exhausted in so many ways. If I was told to stop X-Y-and-Z, believe me, I was willing to obey. I had made a retreat here last autumn. The program was Soul Collage. Participants choose magazine pictures to illustrate their theme or train of thought. I brought my most meaningful collage with me to ponder during the retreat. I prayed repeatedly asking the Lord to direct my ways. The focus of this collage is writing.
When I write I bow my heart to the Lord similar to the nun in the white habit, praying that I can find the words to explain my experiences and bring God glory. One thing that has always fascinated me is the sound the waves make as they recede from the beach back onto the ocean floor. “Susurrus”is the word that describes a murmuring stream. Wonder what describes that sizzling water going through sand sound? Those are the things that keep me writing! The bookshelf tells the story of me researching my writing. The keyboard, my obvious method. The clock reminds me that I am to walk Lucky at about eleven every morning. I have a time limit to my writing session! And the fossilized nautilus. That became a centerpiece for my retreat. More later on that.
Returning to the building I found a book I had never seen before. The author is Edward Hays. It is entitled “The Ladder.” What an eye opener! and soul unfolder! I spent much of the evening reading the first 20 or so pages.
The following song describes what was going on for me. Lyrics show on the video.
The snow was not what we had expected
A layer of warm air turned much of it to ice pellets instead
So less snow, but more noise
At one point it sounded like skeletal fingers tapping
On the sliding glass door
Even the dog wondered who was there.
Today is chop, chop, scoop and lift
As we hurry to clear the driveway as best we can
Sun will help to dry the pavement before
The next set of snow clouds descend
Winter says “Bring it on!”
Cedars holding dollops of snow
Of marshmallow
Of vanilla ice cream
Pure gelato gone huge
Cedars bent by the
Weight of winter deliciousness
And we, right now, are in Maui! We yield to each season, Lord!
The whole earth is filled with awe at your wonders; where morning dawns, where evening fades, you call forth songs of joy.
It was a quiet, cloudy morning
Stillness embracing early morn
Then I heard a creaking of the siding
A tossing of the saplings
Turned to bending of the decades old trees
As a ‘mighty rushing wind’ passed through
And almost as quickly the trees returned to stillness
A few moments later another gust came
It seemed determined to be a steady blowing
Rain came flying past my window
The wind became a gentle breeze
The music of raindrops overtook the wind
And May 1st was declared by the heavens
The wind, the rain, it all stopped as suddenly as it began
Bird song is heard again
Strange yellow/gray sky as sun rises higher
Wrestling with the spring weather front
Newly emerged maple leaves
Soft in coloring cling to their branch in the breeze
Help me cling to You, Jesus my source of life
I was having a spiritual struggle and one person or the spirit from one person seemed to be the biggest challenge. I could not name the spirit but I knew it was there. Finally it was apparent I needed to get alone with the LORD and have a prayer time to throw this thing off. I was prepared to spend many hours if necessary, but surprisingly it only took a couple hours. This is the resultant poem.
In church one morning I was drawn to the cry of a baby some place in the congregation. I did not get upset or distressed by it. I seem to be naturally drawn to all babies everywhere. This baby spoke to my soul. Here is the verse that followed that hearing.
Treasures in Plain Sight, A Christian Blog 