Chronic means: continuing or occurring again and again for a long time. Being, providing, or requiring long-term medical care. Always present or encountered, especially : constantly vexing, weakening, or troubling.

This pain will not go away. Yes, it waxes and wanes, but it is never going to leave me until I die. I get so tired of it all. Lately I have especially had great difficulty when trying to get to sleep at night.

Today I will not have any caffeine at all in the afternoon. I will set up sleep meditations in case I cannot drift off on my own.

There are times when no matter how I prepare or take care of myself the chronic pain disrupts my life, my goals, my rhythm of living. There has not been a medication found to treat this. There are a few that help with some of the symptoms, but nothing that covers the umbrella of distress. It is chronic and sometimes crushing. I tell Bob there are times I feel as if I have been ground into a powder.

Why am I putting this in the blog? Well, there are likely others out there struggling with this or a similar problem. Sometimes I can get away from the all consuming pain sensations by getting focused upon a challenge or a project such as writing. Even one hour of departure from the torture chamber can be good. Cooking for an hour while singing favorite praise music can help. Sadly not every hour of the day can be spent planning a project, performing a task or rejoicing over a task completed.

I keep hearing snippets of a poem from 1985. When I looked for it just now it was about relationship trouble, not necessarily physical struggle.

Eleven Fifty-three Post Meridiem ©Molly Lin Dutina

Nighttime and the Unresolved
Come marching to my bedroom
Tramping through my head
Hurling accusations
Quoting words once said
Reason takes a low profile
While logic flees the scene
Where is the solution
For circumstances now turned mean
Never, shoulds, and woulds
Paint dismal, hopeless scenes
Understanding vanishes
Deep each insult bleeds.
Forgiveness is the answer
That makes the war to cease.

Let it go. Let go. Release.
Present moment calls to me
Be NowHere in God’s sweet peace
A song can be resung
The past can’t be undone
But pouring in forgiveness
The fall-out is made numb

Come to here and now
Feast on today’s plenty
In gratitude for all
Dare to now drink deeply
From streams of joy and love
We are granted
Only to
“Live our lives by moments”
Aren’t we now
1985

Though “Come to the here and now, feast on today’s plenty, in gratitude for all” does help me cope. When I come to the here and now in a painful night I have to place my focus upon Jesus Christ who loves me better than I love myself. I offer my pain on behalf of another. (I am not quite certain how that works, but I make the offering regardless.) I remember to breathe in Jesus and breathe out me, or breathe out my pain. I try not to watch the clock. Rest, just rest. Sink into the center down silence of love and peace.

I am seriously a work in progress. There is no medication that can help me with this. With St. Patrick I try to “arise today through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity with belief in the threeness and confession of the oneness towards the Creator.” Help me Lord not to project fear or negativity on this day and whatever it might bring. Help me to lie down tonight in Your arms of love and rest in Your everlasting care.

I will try to remember to pray compline especially with the wonderful portion of Psalm 4

verse 8 I lie down in peace; at once I call asleep; for only you, LORD, make me dwell in safety.