Pain and then some more pain. Unrelenting even with Tylenol. I am ground to powder.

Pain and fatigue. The pillars of my life with fibromyalgia. I am certain that osteoarthritis, diabetes and aging are not helping the situation.

Mayo Clinic at https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/fibromyalgia/symptoms-causes/syc-20354780 says the primary symptoms of fibromyalgia include:

• Widespread pain. The pain associated with fibromyalgia often is described as a constant dull ache that has lasted for at least three months. To be considered widespread, the pain must occur on both sides of your body and above and below your waist.
• Fatigue. People with fibromyalgia often awaken tired, even though they report sleeping for long periods of time. Sleep is often disrupted by pain, and many patients with fibromyalgia have other sleep disorders, such as restless legs syndrome and sleep apnea.
• Cognitive difficulties. A symptom commonly referred to as “fibro fog” impairs the ability to focus, pay attention and concentrate on mental tasks.

Yep my pillars are pain and fatigue. A pillar is a slender, freestanding, vertical support; a column. I am not thinking a pillar of cloud by day or of fire by night. I am thinking the constant in my daily life, day or night. My pillars are not decorative such as the ones below.

One morning I wrote “I wake up in pain. Two fingers numb. Shoulder so stiff. Hip has not spoken up yet. This gets so old, tiresome, ridiculous. I choose to praise You, even when the pain is present. I love you better than life, even quality of life.”

Surgery was supposed to relieve the shoulder pain and return full function to my right shoulder. Surgery has the result of almost constant pain. If I do the stretches it is supposed to be fine by September of this year. Lord, I cry to You. Please come to me and help me in my distress.

I remember the lyrics from the Vineyard O Jesus Mine

O Jesus mine, O Jesus mine
You’ve filled us with a love divine
Our hearts have found no resting place but Thee, O Jesus, Jesus, Jesus mine.

I always thought I heard(Our hearts have found a resting place IN TIME)

The Celtic Prayer Book stated God has made us capable of life with Him and thus we are ever lonely and insatiable.

What occurs in private with Him is rarely seen in the open. What some admire about a Christian’s life they also have no idea how it actually came about. There is longing and at times anguish in His presence, which is often only seen after its transfiguration. Only God can transfigure longing and anguish.

Lord, make me aware of Your presence with me, even in the morning pain and afternoon/evening hip pain. Help me adapt and cope I pray.

In A Sunlit Absence by Martin Laird  P. 123 He writes “The pathless path of prayer knows only how to move through struggle; and the only way through is through – not around, over, under or alongside, but through.” Struggle – with chronic fatigue and pain, not knowing how to fulfill the call to create something else with the writing, how to ….

Moving through struggle with pain and fatigue is not easy to accomplish day after day, hour after hour. Yet millions of people do it daily, hourly, weekly, monthly year after year.

Perhaps my sharing is all too transparent for those of you who do not have physical struggles? For the rest of us I hope this is read as a means of helping you understand some of the ways I get through these times. I know full well that God is no respecter of persons and ways He has touched me He can touch you with also. (Acts 10:34)

In this chapter of Laird’s book he is describing how a woman learned to struggle beyond her depression. He wrote

The fourteenth-century anonymous English author of The Cloud of Unknowing suggests that instead of pushing away or clinging to thoughts and images that appear in our awareness, whether distracting or attracting, we should simply “look over their shoulder.” This ingeniously playful advice requires a serious and cultivated inner awareness. …We have to meet distractions with stillness instead of commentary. This implies not only do we allow distractions to be present but we also allow them to help us steady our gaze as we “look over their shoulders, as it were, searching for something else.”

This flowing vastness of simple awareness, what St. Hesychios calls ‘the sun rising in the heart,’ is untouched by depression just as it is untouched by time, by age, by pain, fear, anger or greed, or by anything else – though simple awareness is never separate from any of these any more than a spoke of a wheel is separated from its hub. The spoke is not the hub, yet the hub centers all the spokes.

Laird goes on to teach that although this is harder to do than to write about, there comes about a stillness that is from the simple awareness. We are to gaze into that stillness.

Yes, I have the constant pillars of pain and fatigue in my life. They do not, however, need to be the constant focus of my attention. Though I may feel ground to powder, I can look over the shoulders of those two life ingredients and find the vastness of simple awareness. Awareness that ‘there is always something to be thankful for!” When I am especially having difficulty it can be helpful to allow myself some self-pity, but only for about 5 minutes. Beyond that is NOT helpful. Sitting in silence, not trying to add words to the situation, but observe it, allow it and to look ‘over its shoulders’ that is most helpful to me. I do not always accomplish this, do not pull it off every single time. But the sooner I return to this practice the better off I am.

Just as the deer walks the forest in the same pattern regularly, yet does not wear a path like humans seem to, we are called to follow this ‘pathless path of prayer.’ The photo in the opening reminds me of this.

The stillness that come from simple awareness. Certainly a pearl of great price to seek after.

 “Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. ⁴⁶ When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it. Matthew 13:45-46

May your heart rest in this Jesus, a simple awareness of the goodness of life, regardless of your struggle.