The vile mud pot that bubbles through my life. Wants to contaminate everything. Makes me irritable. Unable to see the best in others.

There was a poem I found that helped a bit. I first read this while on retreat recently. I believe Joan Chittister had it in one of her devotional books.

Home of My Loneliness   by Karl Rahner

In the curve of my heart 
lies a hollow place 
where grudging loneliness asks a welcome. 
In that empty chamber of solitairiness 
You rest Your consistent, welcoming love 
on the heartsick and patterned 
discontent of my gloomy days 
and shredded dreams. 
You care for my loneliness with affection 
during the times when no one 
and no thing soothes 
the deep yearning 
sitting listlessly 
inside the arid place of my discontented self. 
The Home of Loneliness welcomes me.

As I found solace in this poem I also remembered a piece of coral we found in Hawaii.

“You rest, Your consistent, welcoming love,” “You care for my loneliness with affection”. The Holy One knows my hollow place. I am held in that consistent, welcoming love. My loneliness, which at times I detest and want to deny is cared for by the Trinity. Even that place. Even those feelings.

Chronic illness has taught me so much about loneliness. Only those who have suffered can truly understand the plight of the chronically sick. The ambivalence of taking medication that may or may not help. The side effects that can send you into a ‘tizzy.” The wisdom of prayer and listening to your own body when making decisions about self-care. The Word says to ask God and He will give you wisdom. James 1:5-6 NIV

My parents dying when I was young (aged eleven when Dad died, aged 24 when Mom died) has taught we so much about loneliness. When your family of origin is gone when you are just forming your own family, the word difficult does not describe the impact upon your life.

Next time you sense that “deep yearning sitting listlessly inside the arid place of (your) discontented self” I urge you to turn that place and those feelings to the Holy One. The internet says there one hundred verses about God holding us in or with His hand.

Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.

Psalm 73:23 NIV

Once during a retreat I spent several hours walking the retreat grounds and envisioning the Lord holding my right hand. Though that was many years ago, to this day I remember how poignant that experience was. You might want to try that for yourself. The Holy Trinity is always with us and walks close, even when we are unaware.