The other morning I was lead to pick up “A Sunlit Absence” by Martin Laird. I read the book several years ago. I have portions of it on a USB drive in my car where I occasionally listen to parts of the text. I was drawn to the concept of God sending ‘a very loving light’ to uncover what we hold in the darkness. In the chapter entitled Sharp Trials in the Intellect he refers often to ‘humbling self-knowledge.’

Humbling Self-knowledge is a crucial component of the deepening of our practice. Saint John of The Cross insists that this light we are filled with is ‘very loving light,” but for lengthy stretches of the spiritual journey, as our practice deepens, this “very loving light” enables us to see aspects of ourselves that we would rather not see but nevertheless bear our name. This humbling self-knowledge is the direct result of the inflow of light into our awareness. As when opening the curtains in a room we have not been in for some time, the light exposes all manner of dirt and dust. the dirt and dust were always there, but there was not light sufficient to see. But St. John of the Cross never wavers from his conviction that this light is not simply luminous but also “very loving light.”

A Sunlit Absence by Martin Laird

I have been doing Physical Therapy at home. It is truly boring. Counting to five on each stretch just blanks my mind. I lose count. Uncertain if that was 7 or 17. I never did enjoy gym class or any sort of physical exercise.

Recently I cleaned up the dining room table and put a table cloth on. Ultimately that meant I could no longer do the stretch called the table slide. I thought in my infinite wisdom, (NOT) that the wall slide and other stretches could replace the table slide.

At Physical Therapy appointment we discovered my shoulder was swollen and I had lost ground on the measurement of where I could tolerate a stretch. AGAIN I lost ground. Very discouraging. The therapist wants me now to count to 10 on the stretches because “you count too fast.” He wants me to set my watch to every 2 hours and do 10 or so stretches of at least three varieties.

As I tried to describe the appointment to Bob and put into words what I was feeling it hit me. My brain has been deceiving me into thinking I am disciplined and doing right by my therapy. I have not been doing right. I was reminded of Jeremiah (after I looked up where the verse was). At first I remembered the verse as “the brain is deceitful above all else.” I did not think I was trying to get away with something, but I was. Deceitful, not something I want to be.

The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful,
    a puzzle that no one can figure out.
But I, God, search the heart
    and examine the mind.
I get to the heart of the human.
    I get to the root of things.
I treat them as they really are,
    not as they pretend to be.

Jeremiah 17:9-10 Message

Oh Molly. You have been fooling yourself. Lazy. And also confused. One therapist says do not do these to the point of pain. Then another time the message is to push to the point of pain and maybe a little bit further. The mind, the heart whatever you want to call it I have not been honest with myself about the “work” of recovery.

Realize. Confess. Cling to God. Correct the behavior. Try again.

My humbling self-knowledge shows that I have been fooling around with PT at home. So the table cloth was removed. The table slides started again. The counting to ten is also boring. But if you add the name of Jesus to the list of the fruit of the spirit one can make a ten count if you name them slowly.

“Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self control, Jesus.” God help me to do what is right for my recovery. This girl-child needs constant vigilance and discipline. Jesus said “Of myself I can do nothing.” (John 5:30) I know that left to myself I will always mess it up.

The very loving light of my Father shows me my short-comings. I repeatedly ask for His guidance and help. I have not been disappointed. I grew up in a family that was constantly riddled with criticism. I have learned that my heavenly Father is not like that. Yes, He wants me to grow and learn and change into the image of Jesus, but He does not guide me in holy ways through criticism. Saint John of the Cross was correct. This is a very loving light.

May the Light of Life always guide us in the ways of righteousness and holiness. Father knows that left to myself I will always mess it up!