Posted on in Memories, Traveling

Hepzibah and Me

In high school or maybe even junior high we had to read Nathaniel Hawthorne’s House of the Seven Gables. I loved it! On our recent trip to the Northeastern States I realized we would be going very close to Salem, Massachusetts. And they have tours of the house the story is patterned on! I could care less about the witch trials, but mention the Seven Gables and I was hooked.

Before our travels, I re-read the book because so MANY years have passed since I first read it. (Love that we can borrow books in the Kindle format, often for free, from the library!) We planned our route to make a tour of the house in Salem on our way from Maine to New Hampshire.

Hawthorne based his book loosely upon his cousin’s house in Salem. Susanna Ingersoll inspired and often entertained Hawthorne at this home. It has been restored to its former glory and is now a museum. In the story Hepzibah was an unfortunate spinster whose eyesight was so poor that she had taken to squinting and that made her face even more unpleasant. The locals thought she was merely scowling at them all the time. She had fallen on hard times and was forced to open a small shop in the front of her house in order to provide food for herself and her brother.

This is a re-creation of what her shop might have looked like. She might have entered through this door. Robert Dutina’s photo of the shop is better, of course!

Hepzibah’s Shop by Robert M Dutina

Being a descendent of aristocracy, Hepzibah was ashamed of having to open the store. She also rented one gable of the house to Holgrave. The story has sorrow, possible murder, intrigue, the young charming country cousin Phoebe, revenge, the town gossips and all the other interesting characters that Hawthorne created. Ned Higgins, the boy who bought her supply of gingerbread cookies made me smile as I now make gingerbread every Christmas with my Grandgirls! When Nathaniel wrote this starting in 1850 he insisted it was entirely a work of fiction based on no particular house. They have done a great job of restoration though, igniting my imagination!

The outdoor gardens were planted like formal English gardens.

Gardens and gables
Refreshing morning dew

I found the adventure refreshing, even if it was likely a fantasy compared to what Hawthorne actually experienced.

Posted on in Memories, Traveling

Mount Washington

The conductor took our tickets

There is a neighborhood in Cincinnati called Mount Washington. For years I have seen a bumper sticker that says “I climbed Mt. Washington” and I would think, so what? Then we traveled to the Eastern United States. Bob wanted to go to the top of Mount Washington, New Hampshire noted as one of the windiest places on earth. So we planned our trip to include the Cog Railway there. 2019 had been a tremendously busy year, with the 7,000 mile road trip to the west, so we scaled this one down a bit! Mountain climbing on foot was not on the agenda.

We lined up to board what looked like a little train ride.
The inside o f the car was all lovely wood.

And shortly the climb began. AAA tourbook reports concise details saying, “The Railway opened in 1869 and bills itself as the first mountain-climbing cog railway in the world. Coal-fired steam and biodiesel-powered trains take passengers on a scenic 3-hour trip top the top of Mount Washington – the highest peak in the Northeast.

“At 6,288 feet, Mount Washington, in the Presidential Range of the White Mountains, is the Northeast’s highest peak. The weather at its summit rivals that of Antarctica; the average annual temperature is below freezing. Conditions can change in minutes from balmy to subfreezing.”

We had one of the loveliest weather days the train personnel could ever remember. The panoramas were breathtaking! Our engine was biodiesel driven. They only run the steam engine once daily.

As the train began to climb the slant of the vegetation showed the angle of ascent.

Yes, those trees were growing straight up!

Appalachian Trail cairns

I have never hiked the Appalachian Trail. In fact, I have not hiked much at all during my life. I was fascinated by the rock cairns marking the route of the trail. Just imagine for a moment hiking this during a 15 foot snow in winter. Or even the height of summer, one rock strewn field after another. How would you find your way and not lose the trail? Thus the cairns, also known as rock piles.

Yes, the chain you see was put there to hold the building in place!

Returning down the mountain we passed a train going up. No wind rain or weather change. Bob was a bit disappointed. We had bundled up for sunshine! It was a memorable ride and the cog railway was fun!

My husband took one photo (below) that reminded me of one of my childhood drawings of mountains. One woman in the crochet and quilting group wanted a copy of the photo for a quilting idea!

Photo by Robert Dutina
Posted on in Faith, Humor, Marriage and Memories, Memories

Grief and Mothers

See the lady in the white dress, white shoes and white gloves? That was my mom!

At my wedding in 1970 I never noticed until now that my mother wore white gloves to our wedding in Live Oak Park, Berkeley, California! As I came toward the groom, trust me when I say, at the time I never saw anyone but him.

My mother died five years later, in her sleep, at our apartment in Lexington, Kentucky. Her death was sudden and somewhat unexpected. Her blood pressure had been high and the doctor was having difficulty controlling it, but there was no indication that she would pass that particular weekend. Today is one day past her birthday.

Mildred Ann was a wonderful cook. When we realized how few of her recipes she had written down, I was furious. To this day I save recipes on my computer and print a card for each of my children (and sometimes for friends, too). Recently I made her chicken and dumplings. It took me several years to find a recipe that approximated hers. Finally found it in James Beard’s American Cookery Book which my sisters-in-law gave me when we were expecting our first child.

This year we celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so Mom has been gone 45 years. And yes, there are times when I still miss her. I believe she would delight to know I am still trying to capture her essence in the kitchen. When I made the chicken and dumplings recently I did not use a deep enough pan when it came time for the dumplings. Oh my. I should have taken a photograph. They boiled over magnificently on the ceramic stovetop. I also forgot HOW MANY the recipe feeds. With just the two of us at home now, we had dumplings coming out of our ears. And no, we tried it, they are NOT very good warmed as leftovers! The first meal was tasty though. And I made it in memory of Mom, my best role model as a good cook.

Forced Hyacinths by GARDENPHOTO.com

If your Mom is still around cherish her, even if you rarely get along. There are times after she passes when you will miss her terribly. For years I could barely go in the grocery stores that have floral departments. This time of year they sell forced bulbs to remind us of the hope of spring. As a child my mother once made me an Easter corsage with hyacinth blossoms. Shortly after she passed the fragrance of hyacinths would have me weeping in the grocery store. Now I grow them in the front garden and when they bloom in late spring I delight to bring them in the house.

Moms, memories, grief all roll up into delight, pain, and after they go a void that nothing but God can ever even attempt to fill. One meaning for El Shaddai is “many breasted One.” Yes, God can be both father and mother to each of us.

Posted on in Amazing Creations, Faith

Lenten Light from You

My friend is the major contributor and editor of The Transfiguration Quarterly which comes from the Episcopalian Convent of the Transfiguration where I am an Associate. She is thinking about publishing the next issue reflecting upon Lent as an outward act and involving light.

Here is what I wrote for her.

Lent for the year 2020 starts on Wednesday, February 26th and ends on Thursday, April 9.  The practices of Lent do not end until sundown on Holy Saturday for all Christian denominations. Typically, a time of introspection with fasting, moderation, repentance, self-denial and self-discipline, what if this year, you changed it up?

In her book, My Daily Appointment with God Lucille Sollenberger notes “How interesting that God should give the world light as one of His first gifts!” The Gospel of John says, “Light shone in the darkness and the darkness could not put it out.” Isn’t it fascinating that we can create darkness by removing light; however, we cannot create light. We are made to reflect light. If there are dark corners where you live this Lent, you may be the one to brighten up those corners with the Light of Christ. What if, instead of withdrawing you asked the Lord to help you reflect His light into the world around you? Have you noticed that when you smile more, more people around you begin to smile? Your introspection at the end of the day could be self-examen to review when might you have done better by shining?

Usually we tend to hide our light under a bucket, perhaps fearful of the criticism from others. How about if we took the Light of Christ that shines in our heart and began to share that shining with those around us? It is easy to say we love those whom we barely know. Much more of a challenge to love those whom we live with and see every day. Perhaps instead of not doing some things this Lent, you could make a pact with God to try doing more kindnesses towards those you live in proximity with. Not only smile more, but be gracious even when you do not feel like it.

We are challenged in Romans 12:10b to outdo one another in showing honor. Forty days of practicing that could bring life changes! 1 Peter 2:9 reminds us that Jesus called us out of darkness into His marvelous light. That marvelous light is ours to live in, to reflect, to bring glory to Christ by showing it to others.

“For it is the God who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.  But we have this treasure in clay jars, so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us.”  2Corinthians 4:6-7

LED bulbs are the brightest source of artificial light known to man right now. The letters stand for Light Emitting Diode.  Well, granted, we do not emit light, we reflect light and the Light we reflect is the grandest known to man! An extraordinary power that belongs to God.

At https://www.learnreligions.com/what-is-lent-700774 Mary Fairchild wrote “The purpose of Lent is to set aside time for reflection on Jesus Christ—his suffering and death, his sacrifice, his life, burial, and resurrection. During the six weeks of self-examination and reflection, Christians who observe Lent typically make a commitment to fast, or to give up something—a habit, such as smoking, watching TV, swearing, or a food or drink, such as sweets, chocolate, or coffee. Some Christians also take on a Lenten discipline, such as reading the Bible and spending more time in prayer to draw nearer to God. The goal of these spiritual disciplines is to strengthen the faith of the observer and develop a closer relationship with God.”

You may find the discipline of reflecting the Light of Christ far more difficult than fasting from chocolate. I am praying that this spiritual discipline of shining forth the Light of Christ may indeed “strengthen your faith” and help you “develop a closer relationship with God.”

A typical Episcopalian response is taken from the Baptismal vows: “I will with God’s help.”

Posted on in Faith, Humor

Rarely A Day Goes as One Plans

Yiddish Humor

Not certain my image of God includes dentures, but I know He certainly has a sense of humor. Last Tuesday when I might have been writing, instead I took my Darling Husband to have his knee repaired again. He was stopped on his bicycle last summer and forgot to take his foot out of his toe clip. Taking a photo for his one photo a day project, he fell and tore the meniscus again. He made me have my toe surgery before he would get his knee repaired. So I did not write the usual second day last week. BTW: He is doing well now, though not without swelling and some discomfort.

I had an appointment with the dermatologist to see about getting a small growth taken off the back of my hand this Monday morning. So I had already set my mind to another project, assuming I could not write this day either. Early this morning they called to reschedule the appointment as doc had a family emergency. So my morning spun out in household projects (toasted coconut in the oven, took a walk with hubby, planned dinner and thawed it, etc.) and I started re-writing what I had begun on that other project.

The Grammarist at https://grammarist.com/proverb/best-laid-plans/ states that “The best-laid plans refers to something that has gone awry, something that has not turned out as well as one had hoped. The expression the best-laid plans carries the connotation that one should not expect for things to always turn out to plan. Like many proverbs, the best-laid plans is usually quoted by itself, though it is not the full proverb. The full proverb is, the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. This is a passage from the poem To a Mouse, written by the Scottish poet Robert Burns in 1786.”

So I will publish tomorrow what I wrote for my friend. Perhaps it will inspire a different Lenten discipline for you?

Posted on in Faith, Spiritual growth

While Waiting for Healing

Have you ever read Hinds Feet on High Places?

If not, get a copy today and begin an adventure! I read this many, many years ago. I gave away so many paperback copies I eventually bought myself the hardback copy so I would NOT give it away. At one time there were no notes for teaching this book, so I wrote my own and lead a group through the book as a Scripture study. This allegory is still teaching me about life with Christ my Lord.

While recovering from this surgery, during a prayer time one morning, I was led again to a scene at the end of the book when Much-Afraid, a timid girl with crippled feet, was led to a ‘desolate altar in this valley of shadows’ to make a burnt offering as commanded by the Shepherd.’

It was not until my retreat January 10 that I re-read and listened to an audible version (free from the library through Hoopla) to review what happened in that sacrifice. I had forgotten that at every altar Much-Afraid built throughout the journey she offered the Lord a portion of her will. This time was no different.

Romans 12:1-2 (NRSV) I appeal to you therefore, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.  Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God—what is good and acceptable and perfect.

What if this living sacrifice of our bodies intentionally included our will, too? Could you do it for Christ? Would you be willing for the Father? Might you ask the Holy Spirit to enable you to conform to God’s will that you might be transformed?

Much-Afraid, like us, was asked to offer a portion of her will at various places in her journey. We are not asked to do that all at once at the outset of our journey. I do not believe we would be able to accomplish it all, psychologically or otherwise. I do not even recognize all the strongholds of my will until I begin to stumble over new ones that are revealed to me as I follow my Lord through this life journey. Thus, there is no way I could consciously offer them as a living sacrifice all at once. Salvation and transformation are on-going processes.

So I have had to sit and wait for healing to come. I am still finding three months later that, no, the foot healing is not yet complete. I was reminded once again that healing, like transformation is a process. My will trips me more than my feet these days.

When I build an altar and sacrifice a portion of my will that is causing me to stumble, the Father has promised to accept that offering and transfigure that portion of me. 1 John reads that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins AND cleanse us from all unrighteousness. So how does that become transformation? Not an easy question. In my experience, transformation comes as I continue and continue to yield to the highest and best that God offers me. No one and done here.

Altar_1

 

Here is a tiny sketch I made to illustrate the Hinds Feet study. I pray you will examine your heart after you read this, build your altar, fan the flames, offer your will a living sacrifice to the One Who loves us best!

 

“Prayer is sitting in silence until it silences us,

choosing gratitude until we are grateful”

-Richard Rohr

 

 

 

 

Posted on in Aging, medical treatment, Spiritual growth

Difficulty of Physical Stillness

I began to wonder if my doctor had ever sat for 5-6 weeks with no weight bearing upon one of his feet? I found it to be difficult psychologically. Psalm 32:9 CSB is a description of me when I refused to trust God in the difficult moments. “Do not be like a horse or mule, without understanding, that must be controlled with bit and bridle or else it will not come near you.”

The verse before that is a wonderful promise: “I will instruct you and show you the way to go; with my eye on you, I will give counsel.”

And God did when I calmed down, asked for help and let Him guide me.

Here is what we saw when the bandages were removed for the first time:

  • Incision where plate was inserted.
  • Heel area where bone marrow was extracted.
  • Had a plantars wart cut out while under!
Poor swollen footsie, recovering nicely though!

Tara Brach calls us to Surrendered Presence, Surrendering Presence. We waste so much time and energy trying to control everything. We are better off as far as energy stores if we can surrender and wait and see. One beaded bracelet I made pre-surgery reminds me that God is never perplexed. He is willing to be my strength. As I gladly boast in my weakness ( 2 COR 12:9-10) He is willing to be my strength and “react” upon me. (See journal entry http://stand-and-tip.com/2019/10/06/perfect-in-weakness/)

On October 31 I read a quote from Mark Nepo that says, “The things that frighten us just want to be held.” “Does that describe my fear of the pain out of control? Just something that wants to be held? Show me Lord, how to spread out the medication. When to stop. How to cope with the remainder of the healing pain.”

“I trust You, Jesus, to lead me through this. I do not want to be hooked on the painkiller. Please give me the courage to cope with this pain. Wisdom to know how to proceed.” And just like that, I was on Tylenol only.

November 2 I wrote in my journal that I needed to go back and read what I wrote about the turtle at the Nature Center ( https://atomic-temporary-149406360.wpcomstaging.com/2018/09/22/the-wise-turtle-and-bloom/). She taught me to hold on to wisdom, courage and the ability to keep looking up. “Most importantly, I realize she is looking up, as I am called to do, fixing my eyes upon things eternal. Letting go of obvious pain and aging issues I am able to relax on my favorite bench and simply soak in the pond activity: belching frogs, passing humans, bird song and noonday joy.” Yes, Lord, return me to that peace. Acceptance of things as they come. Wait and see attitude. NOT jumping to the furthest negative conclusion.”

I will likely never forget for long that I have a steel plate in my foot with 6 little screws. As of January 14 I am walking 5-8,000 steps per day. the doctor thought that was too much. Well, when I got inspired I just began moving. He says I am not totally healed yet. So, as you read this, please pray the bone will grow more thoroughly around that plate and screws.

Posted on in Aging, Faith, medical treatment

Yield and Breathe and Listen

Other lessons learned while recovering from foot surgery: Determined to not be taking much pain medication, I broke the cardinal rule of recovery and took too little. Saturday, October 26 was a 7PM melt down. I felt as if my foot was swelling, then pushing against the padding and ace bandage and then the THROB began. It was the worst pain I had experienced thus far. Put myself to bed and loving husband brought me ice packs and iced water to sip. I listened to meditations, especially from “Full Catastrophe Living” by Jon Cabat-Zinn. Husband rubbed my back. I read until drowsy then slept, and tried to draw what I saw at the apex of pain. Of course, I did not capture it as I saw it at the time. We decided I likely took too little medication that day. Tried to stick to 6 hour schedule the next day. I am exhausted and wary of THAT much pain. Pain I could NOT ignore. I was able with the meditation recording to breathe into it, exhale it, but it was serious WORK. Yes, I have a plate in my toe.

Prior to surgery I tried to prepare myself psychologically for the long recovery sitting. I planned crochet projects, things to read, and recorded TV shows to entertain and distract me. I cooked foods we liked and froze them. Taking my iPhone to the basement I photographed every storage shelf in the pantry area and shelves in the freezer so that when people asked me where something was, I might be able to direct them to the correct area. Even the upstairs kitchen pantry was photographed. I planned clothing that was easy to get on over huge bandage and cast. What I did not realize was just how difficult it can be to sit idle for a long time after a fairly active life! My step count had dropped to around 3,000 steps per day prior to surgery due to pain in my foot. Taking that to near zero and letting go of all household responsibility was something I had not done in several years. I think that like childbirth, we tend to forget the miserable times in life, or at least, to gloss over them. Sitting still and staying cheerful for weeks on end is work! I sometimes found myself fantasizing about just getting up and walking.

October 28, 2 weeks after the surgery, I had a major emotional meltdown. I did not see it coming. I was exploring crochet patterns online for a small turtle to remind me like Aesop’s fable that “slow and steady wins the race.” Was having difficulty signing on to my favorite site.

Suddenly and rapidly the anxiety was upon me. The surgeon had wrapped my foot in thick layers of cotton batting, then gauze, then a bent splint to hold it in place and then ace bandages. It was quite a thick contraption. About 3:45 PM I had a terrible dry skin/hurt combination on my lower calf that undid me. I could not reach far enough inside the cotton-batting of the bandage to get cream on the spot. Even using a plastic knife handle and then a chopstick I could not reach it. And then I became desperate. {Now where were the ears to hear that admonition to trust in the Lord?}

Desperate for relief, frantic and wanting to throw off the bandage and walk away, I began to cry. I cried in fruitless frustration and helplessness, knowing I had to sit still for the bones to heal and anchor this metal plate and 6 screws to my toe.

I texted a dear, faithful friend for prayer. I called out to Bob to come help me.  I told Alexa to turn on meditation music. I sat and cried and tried to breathe as Bob got me a fresh ice pack to apply on the misery location on my calf. Focused on my breath. Over a period of time I took it all down a notch, and then another notch, and then another. Went back to find the correct online screen to sign in to Ravelry. Purchased the turtle pattern, printed it and relaxed even more. Eventually, I had to put ace bandages back on so I could roll to the bathroom. I was exhausted.

Psalm 37:5 (HCSB)  Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him, and He will act.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV2011)  Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

What is the purpose of telling you these struggles? The journal entries above describe what I did outwardly. Inwardly, I fell into God’s arms. I yielded my heart to Him. He touched me in my weakness. If you have not traveled to that point of helplessness (or one like it) you likely have no idea what I am writing about. If you have been there, you might remember the sweet relief that comes from throwing yourself on the mercy of Christ. My feelings had escalated out of control. There was not much warning that I can recall now. When I hit the wall and realized only the touch of the Holy Spirit could return me to my right mind, I knew it was time to yield. If the ice had not relieved the dry skin/hurt, I had bandage scissors at the ready to open that one spot for some cream! I did not have to use them. The idea to have Bob find the scissors came to me only when I chose to breathe and be led through that valley. No one can make you decide in those frantic moments  to yield and breathe and listen. I believe we are each given the opportunity to choose in those types of situations. Repeated practice has helped me begin to choose Proverbs 3:6 more quickly. Other translations read “in all your ways ACKNOWLEDGE Him.”

Isaiah 55 still holds true in my life: Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV2011)  “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Oh Lord, continue to lead and guide me, I pray.

Slow and steady, Molly Lin. Slow and steady progress towards healing.
Posted on in Aging, medical treatment

Happy New Year!

I last posted in October 2019. Then I had scheduled foot surgery and fell off the grid. Had really hoped to blog during that time. Total anesthesia and recovery in this older body did not permit that. When I was finally allowed to walk the holidays were upon us and I got caught up in those preparations and learning how to walk with this repaired foot. I hope to resume writing with regularity and with gusto!

Recently I made a retreat at the Convent of the Transfiguration where I am an associate. I had missed making scheduled biannual silent retreats over the last two years because of travel, illness, etc. I saw a little opening in the January calendar and made a private silent retreat. During that time I prayed about whether to continue writing the blog. The answer seemed to be a resounding “Yes!”

Here is my journal synopsis from that time:

Father, I want to do the work You have given me to do. As deFoucauld wrote and prayed, I am placing ‘myself in Your hands without reserve in boundless confidence because You are MY FATHER.’

Robert Dutina captured my heart towards the Lord with this photo from Los Angeles, Ca.

“I will proclaim by word and example the good news of God in Christ.” I will with God’s help resume the blog writing to His glory, showing forth His power during my recovery from surgery, the lessons I learned in the weeks of waiting.

Monday October 14, 2019

Scheduled toe surgery went off without a hitch. Surgeon cleaned up arthritic joint, turned bone around, placed the plate, secured with screws, injected area with my own cells that were taken from my heel bone and spun down. Closed me up with stitches and layers of bandages.

  • The Plate
  • Six Screws

There were a few surprises for the patient and her husband though! First, I was not allowed to use the knee roller until the nerve block in that leg had totally worn off. I was not strong enough to tolerate crutches, so Bob had to wait upon me with a wheelchair to the bathroom and any other place I wanted to relocate. It took several days for that nerve block to wear off. In the end, I was so grateful not to be feeling the first post-surgical pain and took much less pain medication than expected. It was however humbling to have to ask him for help moving about. Fibromyalgia and arthritis pain are mean. Using crutches every place would have been so difficult.

Before the surgery the admonition to trust God during this process was driven home several times and especially through Psalm 37 verses 3 and 5. So I made it my business to trust Him in these weeks of sitting. I had to be careful to not put weight on my foot lest the plate and six screws be moved out of place. The goal was to stay still so that bone could begin to grow around the plate to help anchor everything in place. (For a further discussion see

Psalm 37:3 (NRSV)  Trust in the LORD, and do good; so you will live in the land, and enjoy security.

Psalm 37:5 (HCSB)  Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him, and He will act

Posted on in Humor, Memories, Special Event

Weird Thoughts Again

So we drove past a woman and man setting up their harvest decorations in front of their house. Now tell me if you think this is strange? Maybe it is just me, but the Wizard of Oz confirmed, for those of us brought up in the city, that a scarecrow is stuffed with straw. The craft stores for the past decade or so have sold ready made scarecrows stuffed with pretend straw, but they hope it will look like straw to you.

How weird is it that an item built from human looking clothing and filled with straw is then seated upon a bale of straw? Isn’t that like go to the morgue and get a bunch of organs, pile them up and then have your photo taken while sitting upon them? We are such a weird society.

I love candy, but halloween is just weird overall.

Once I was invited as a room mother to attend the halloween march in costume where the kids paraded through the elementary school. When I got there all the other room mothers were dressed as witches. I was dressed as the Holy Ghost, complete with a white sheet, white face, white keds and wooden cross around my neck. As we went room to room I invited the kids to touch the least scary ghost EVER and told them about my role in God’s plan. Needless to say, I was called the following week by the principal. I almost asked if she called the witches representing everything reprehensible to my faith. I was encouraged when we went in one room and the teacher had donated New Testaments to the kids. They were proudly displayed on their desks. Wonder if that is even allowed these 36 years later?