So in retelling my faith story, I likely left out many things. From the Presbyterian church, to the Episcopalian church , to no church. Then after birth of first child, back to the Episcopalian church because I wanted someone to teach her about God. When she was a toddler I was too angry to be the one.
When our first child was born as she grew and changed I missed my mother more than ever. I was angry at God for having let her die so close to me giving birth. I learned a valuable lesson. God can handle our anger. He would rather I be angry at Him and scream and shout if I need to rather than to be lukewarm and complacent about the existence of our Eternal Father.
At the funeral I was 9 months pregnant and my sister was 3 months pregnant. Well meaning people say really stupid platitudes about these things such as, “I guess it was her time” “She’s in a better place” and on and on. They did not realize that all I heard through my teen years was how much my mother wanted a grandchild. Her first grandchild had been put up for adoption. My child was her next best hope. And then she was gone.
This anger over her loss smouldered for years in my soul. Then one day I found this verse.
“For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone who dies,” declares the Lord God. “Therefore, repent and live!”Ezekiel 18:32
Yes, it was like having to process news for weeks and maybe months before it sank in. My mother most likely had a cerebral hemorrhage. She died in her sleep. We opted for no autopsy. Plain and simple, that is what we believe did it. She had suffered an episode, perhaps a mild stroke, a few weeks earlier. She had fallen in the bathroom and bruised her face on the side of the bathtub. At the time there were few things my sister communicated to me. That time she did call to say Mom was ashamed of the bruise and putting off her visit to me until it did not show.
At bedtime Mom was having what she thought were migraine symptoms. Took her Rx for that. She and Bob watched Johnny Carson while I went on to bed. I could hear that Carson had the music duo Seals and Croft.
Realized the next day when she was deceased how poignant those lyrics are. No, I never passed that way again. I never had her with me during the rearing of my children. Once I stopped blaming God for her death I was able to grow in my fellowship with Him. I began teaching my child about God. I counted on the Sunday School teams to help reinforce those teachings, but I no longer put those lessons wholly upon them.
Yet, I knew the Lord did not take pleasure in the timing of her death whatever the reasons for it. I continue to seek Him and His Kingdom to this day.
But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.Matthew 6:33
2 thoughts on “Where I Left Off”
Those were difficult days and months..
And you stayed with me throughout. Thank you. I love you dearly.